Living while on the Spectrum

BIAS

As a young girl aging into an adult, the only thing I wanted was acceptance. My masking was because It was difficult to connect in the ways I needed to. Having people tell me, You look at the world through rose-colored glasses has tormented me until I found my voice. Fear of being misunderstood is the root of all my anxiety. I've made peace with that fact about my life, now it's time to share my story with the world. ASD didn't change anything about who I am, the diagnosis explains a lot. After all the wondering and second-guessing, I had answers. Now I know how to help my children, even when depression and anxiety try to take me down, I will always get it together. Now my family is on the road to a better place. But, now I have more profound concerns, and that is walking in the world with all this hateful rhetoric. I've learned to camouflage, but I raised my children to own their thoughts and not to be afraid to speak up when they're feeling wronged.

It's frightening to realize this world is so biased and full of hate. I want to know how to protect my children from the ignorance of others. Kids can be cruel, this is true, but it's learned behavior; adults are even worst because their bias is passed down generation to generation. I can testify to that. It happens in All cultures, All the time.

Someone once said to me, you're like a dog with a bone when you learn something new. This saying speaks to my whole aura, I love learning new things, and I'm not ashamed. However, I do repeat a lot, and I'm sure that drives my family mad. I love requiring knowledge, I believe it serves a purpose. Trying to figure out things, in general, was difficult at times, but once I learn about anything, it became an obsession. I'm grateful it led me down a path of a healthy look at life. Being exposed to a lot at a young age gave me some serious life lessons. I've taken all that I have learned and used it to make a great life for my family and me. I've realized my children were watching me, so they did learn, and I am glad they all came out with a strong sense of self.

When I get caught up, it usually ends with shouting matches concerning, who's right, and who's wrong. I could never get a lot of people to see my side of things because everyone did not understand my logic. If more minds were open to the idea that everything is not black or white, and also realize there are all shades of gray, there'd be peaceful coexistence among the masses. Kindness and acceptance of each others' differences should be celebrated, not ostracized. This epiphany didn't come overnight, but I'm glad it did. I have gained more clarity than I ever thought possible.

In my younger days, my masking came from wanting to fit into a typical social setting, As an adult, I needed to fit into the working world, I struggled tremendously in that department. I'm no longer in desperate need of friendship or acceptance. I prefer my own company. Lately, it's starting to take lots more energy to try to understand why people feel they have a right to critique your journey as if they're the ones who are walking in your shoes. This notion has baffled me ever since childhood, and it still does. Almost everyone I've encountered had an opinion about my choices in life, and might I add, they were utterly misguided. It was through no fault of their own. Systemic bias was and still is a thing. When a person is overly concerned with someone else's thought process, you have to ask yourself why.

During that time, of course, I didn't know, it was my little atypical mind causing all the confusion. People saying things like You're so confused Or, You're living in la-la land, and then the ever so famous line you take things too personally. I would then reply If it's directed at me? Why would I not take it seriously? Then came the bewildered looks, followed by the saying, Bless your heart. Moving to the beat of my own drum has been my thing since a small child; doing what made sense always worked for me. Sticking to what I knew helped me a great deal. I didn't acquire my knowledge through years of schooling, but I did educate myself from a logical standpoint. I've been called bougie, stuck-up, conceited, blonde, contrary, airhead, oreo, whitewashed, brainwashed, Know-it-all, narcissistic, chemically imbalanced, con-artist weird, a show-off, In-my-own-world! There are so many stereotypical labels, too many to name! All were meant to stigmatize and keep you stuck in the same way of thinking. And I am sad to say it still happens to this day. But I have a better insight now that I know how to deal with certain misconceptions concerning my life and my decision-making process. Having coping mechanisms in place has been my saving grace.

My having intense feelings was never a good thing because you were forced to suck it up. No one is really interested because everyone fell down the rabbit hole. All people seem to care about is how they're perceived. Turns out, it really doesn't matter in the end because my being different wasn't, and still isn't the problem; I turned out exceptional. Also, I realized I connect with people through intellect rather than body language, and that's fine too, I just wish I figured this out sooner.

What I'm trying to express is a concern for our children's future. Teaching and bias don't mix, that's what I've learned throughout this process. Making people feel as if they're inadequate because of their thought process, no matter how insignificant others' might think it is, that's the problem in a nutshell. Specific individuals need to know that it is still a form of bullying. I feel if societies trying to change for the better; The yours vs. mines mentality is the problem. Special needs and people who are struggling with all the hurdles of life don't care about that. I, for one, would appreciate a little peace.