Learning How to Love My Deafness

I have been wanting to write this article for quite a while, but I wasn’t sure how to put into words what I wanted to say. I would like to tell you a story. It is a story about deafness, accessibility, and discovery.

Story Time! When I was in elementary school, we discovered that I was partially deaf. In my right ear, I could hear absolutely nothing. Remember those hearing tests in school where they would ask you to raise your hand when you hear the beep? Yea. I wasn’t very good at those. I remember putting my right hand up once or twice just to make it seem like I could hear it. I think I was just hearing phantom noise. At the time, there wasn’t much to be done. When I turned eleven I was invited to be one of the first to receive the BAHA surgery in Ohio. BAHA is Bone Adhering Hearing Aid. I remember begging my dad to let me get the surgery. It wasn’t that he didn’t want me to get it, he was just concerned it wasn’t the best idea for an eleven-year-old to make the decision. Mom supported it. I can still see myself standing on the front porch steps of our apartment begging to get the surgery. “Don't you want your daughter to be able to hear?” plays clearly in my head until this day. He caved and I got the surgery!

The surgery itself I don’t quite remember. I remember being nervous and I remember having my stuffed cat beanie baby, Chip, with me. I can also see my mom sitting next to me as they put me to sleep. That’s all I really remember. That and my head hurt when I woke up. Behind my right ear was now a shaved patch of skin and a titanium screw. The titanium screw is what my hearing process snapped into to allow me to hear. I was ecstatic.

Then the reality of middle school set in. I had a hard time snapping on my processor. I was afraid that I was going to hurt myself. Or break the processor in the process of snapping it off and on. I was wrong. I also happened to have gym class around this time. The combination of me in the gym was horrible. First, because I have no athletic ability whatsoever. Second because I somehow always got hit with the ball. It was not on purpose. My classmates were not malicious or bullies. I just couldn’t dodge in time. Because of this unfortunate coincidence, I made the decision not to wear my hearing processor. There was also suddenly the thoughts of an anxious preteen crowding my head. What if people made fun of me for wearing it? What if no one liked me? What if they thought I was weird for being deaf? It all crowded in on me until I made the (wrong) decision to stop wearing it.

Years went by where I could pretend I was just like my hearing classmates. Not being able to hear out of my right ear didn’t affect my education. I was able to pay attention in class and get good grades. Nothing suffered because I was partially deaf. I went through high school without wearing it. Then one day my mom found my hearing aid when I graduated. I had lost it for a while. I started to wear it again a few years back and it’s the best thing that I ever did. I can hear better than I did without it. The processor picks up sounds that I otherwise would not hear. The best way to describe what I hear with it is this. I don’t hear what a hearing person does, but I hear better than I would without it.

Lately, I have been discovering how to make certain things more accessible for me. I have a hard time hearing my TV in my bedroom. If I turn it up too loud, my whole family can hear it. Luckily, my tv is a Roku which means I use the Roku app on my phone as the remote. On the app, there is an option to use headphones, so the sound streams directly through my headphones. When I discovered this little life hack, I was so excited. I continue to use it whenever I watch shows or movies on my tv, even if I'm listening to music. I recently upgraded my hearing processor for the newest one. It comes on Wednesday. The upgrade came with a free accessory of three choices and I chose the mini microphone. The mini microphone is what I chose because I have a hard time hearing my friends and family in loud and crowded settings. Even if it is a quiet restaurant I struggle sometimes. My new aid will be blue because I no longer want to hide that I am deaf and blue is a pretty color! It also will stream sound from my phone directly to my aid and I am totally psyched for that feature. All of these features will make my life easier and I didn’t even know that it was possible. I believed that I was going along perfectly fine. I do not speak for everyone in the def community, I can only speak for myself and these features have me psyched for an easier life in this area. I’m so excited!