Learn to Love Yourself, It's The Most Valuable Love You'll Ever Feel

I'm such a hypocrite. I don't love myself, not at all, but I do have a mental health condition that results in low self-worth, so I have an excuse. Read more about that hot mess here.

But, I do practice self-love, and I'm not talking about masturbation! Every week I'm doing at least one thing that benefits me, myself and I in the hopes that doing it repeatedly will help me get to a place where it happens organically, out of habit and because I know I deserve it. Right now it happens quite reluctantly, and again, because of my mental health problems, I often seek permission or validation from someone close to me before doing it because I need an outsider to agree that I deserve it.

So, you don't love yourself right now either huh? Then let's dive in and get started on how to just practice doing it.

1. Think about something that feels luxurious to you. Maybe it's a bubble bath, maybe it's a face mask, maybe it's a hot chocolate with whipped cream, maybe it is masturbating while scented candles are lit - no judgements here, just pick something that's luxurious and makes you feel fancy when you do it.
2. Find a time during the week when you can do it without interrupting anyone else's daily routine, and when you won't be needed for anything by anyone. If like me, you feel like you inconvenience people a lot, you're going to want to do whatever your *thing* is when it's impossible to be in anyone's way to avoid feeling like taking care of yourself is getting in other people's way. Similarly, if you have people, pets or children that depend on you, you'll want to pick a time when they're all busy/sleeping/out to do your *thing* so you don't get interrupted - especially if (again!), like me, you think other people's priorities come first, because you'll stop your *thing* to do whatever they need.
3. Do. The. Thing. Simple, right? Wrong. You'll be tempted not to spend money on a fancy bubble bath, or think that the cream on your hot chocolate is too many calories, or feel like you should be doing "more important" things, or even just think it's pointless because you don't feel worth it. This is the genuinely hard part because it takes work to make yourself do something you don't feel entitled to.

So, to do your *thing* you're going to have to use something called mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of living in the here-and-now, basically. If you go to do something but a thought such as "other things really should be done before I do this" stops you in your tracks, it's time to whip out your mindfulness and gently push that thought out your head.

Mindfulness can be practiced in so many different ways - I first learned it from a chronic pain support group as a way to cope with one of my health conditions that causes widespread and chronic physical pain - but it can be applied to pretty much anything you want.

This is my favourite mindfulness exercise - it helps me to calm down when I'm anxious as well as get to sleep if I'm stressing out, and to centre my thoughts if there are just too many in my head at once - give it a go!

1. Get comfortable in a sitting or lying position and close your eyes. You can do this in silence or with just instrumental music playing, but music with vocals is likely to distract you so I'd recommend silence if you don't like instrumental tracks.
2. Picture the air you breathe as physically visible. It can be pictured as anything: coloured clouds, sparkly wind, even a moving rainbow if you want. I'm a bit boring and just picture solid white clouds as my breaths.
3. Clear your mind of all thoughts that are not related to your visible breaths.
4. With your eyes closed, imagine your visible breath entering through your nose and follow it right down to your lungs, feeling your chest inflate with its presence, and repeat the principal on the exhalation - chest deflates, visible breath exits through your mouth.
5. As you continue, if a thought that's not related to your visible breaths and in/out motion of your chest pops into your head, don't chastise yourself for it. Mindfulness isn't about getting it right the first time - it's about learning to turn those thoughts away without punishing yourself for having them. If you began this exercise to stop yourself thinking about smoking, for example, and all of a sudden you're thinking about a cigarette - you haven't failed! All you have to do is acknowledge that the thought arrived, but show it the door and return to your visible breathing.

It's not easy, but once you've practiced it enough times it becomes easier to give unwanted thoughts a gentle kick out of your brain-door.

So, if you're preventing yourself from practising a self-love activity by thinking about other things, take a moment to rid yourself of negative thoughts with mindfulness, and try to execute the activity again.

Now that we've covered how to practise self-love even if you don't actually love yourself, do you want some tips on things you can do to show yourself you care without too much effort? I bet you do. And you're getting them even if you don't!

For the ladies (but anyone can try them!) :

1. Give yourself an at-home manicure. Get a cheap pair of glue-on nails from Primark and apply them while you watch a TV show. It doesn't even matter if you keep them on for more than five minutes, the point is doing something that makes you feel a bit fancy.
2. Use a face mask/pore strip/facial exfoliant. If you have depression, you might not be big on hygiene - it's no secret that people in a depressed funk don't have the motivation to wash or bathe a lot of the time, so doing just a small portion of your body is both less time consuming and feels kinda like pampering because of how little you take care of yourself!
3. Have a super-warm bath with hella bubbles and scented candles. This is a great bedtime activity, especially if you get some bath products that have scents designed to make you sleepy - Lush has an entire range of calming and relaxing products made especially to help you catch some Z's - but it can obviously be done at any time you want.
4. Buy yourself some cute underwear. Most girls love a bra or pair of undies (or even better, a matching set) that makes them feel sexy - but we almost always buy them with the intent of showing it off in bed with a partner. Buy it for you and wear it under a boring outfit to go to the corner shop! You'll be bursting with underwear confidence - it's a real thing, ask any girl - and it'll make you feel good about yourself.

For the guys (but anyone can give them a try!) :

1. Switch on whatever games console you use and play your favourite game on easy (and stay offline - play against bots, this is all about you. Team up with your pals later!) Favourite game + guaranteed win = confidence boost without stressing about being taken out by your sharp-shooting buddy that always gets the headshot. When I do this, I play Left 4 Dead 2 because killing zombies is a great stress-reliever for me. Let's not read too much into that...
2. Throw on whatever underwear you'd wear if you were hoping to show off to a potential partner. I know from my exes that buying underwear doesn't = fun for guys, but you've all got a pair of boxers that you think your junk looks great in, so whip them on and stroll around your room in just them, admire your crotch from every angle and tell your mini-me just how fantastic he's looking right now.
3. Pretty much everyone has a song they can sing/rap/scream word-for-word, so get it pumping and sing along with all the tuneless gusto you can manage. It doesn't matter if you absolutely murder a classic in the process, only you are going to hear it and if you can spit the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air rap like a pro then do it, even if you sound like an out-of-breath goat in the process. (Hint: That is exactly what I sound like when I rap Fresh Prince, but no ones ever heard it. I do it just to feel good that I can keep up with the Prince!)
4. If you're more into dancing than you let on when you're in the club with your boys, bust a move in your living room when no one's home and really feeeeeel yourself. No, not your crotch. I mean feel yourself like a drag queen would say it: basically, love yourself and the weird-ass moves you can pull.

These are just some ideas though, folks, you gotta do whatever feels extravagant and excessively luxurious to you. I've been doing this for a couple of months now, and while I still don't look at myself in the mirror and feel happy, I feel happy and love myself for the duration of these activities. I feel like I deserve some home-pampering and self-kindness while I'm doing it, which is a big step in the right direction.

So how do I know just how valuable the love you can have for yourself is when I don't really have it yet? Because for those brief but shining spots when I do experience it, I feel more worthy of love than another person has ever made me feel in months or even years of trying to show me it. So I'm pretty damn sure that once I can feel it outside of my little self-love activities, I'll feel more loved than I've ever felt in my life.