Insomnia: What Brought Me Here?

It all started when I was very young; going to preschool is when I first remember it happening. The night terrors, the old hag*, being completely frightened and trying to scream, but I was paralyzed. Night after night, this is what my life was. I would finally gain control, scream for my mom or run into her room and go to sleep with her. Dream catchers, counting sheep, bibles under my pillow, NOTHING, and I mean nothing, worked. It wasn’t until I was about 12 when I started developing stranger sleeping patterns.

At 12, I was just about to become a teenager, so I figured this was normal. Stay up all hours of the night, sleep for maybe two to three hours, and get up for school or sports. On the weekend, if I didn’t have basketball or volleyball I would sleep until noon or later. I had absolutely zero issues when it came to day time sleeping, but for some reason, nights were impossible.

At around 13, I was diagnosed with chronic migraines after I had just gotten over having shingles not long before. It was never really linked to what the cause of my migraines were, but the neurologist (that I had to wait over two freaking years to see) said that it could be because my eyes do not function properly (constantly over focusing and under-focusing), it could be the fact that I have insomnia (I felt like I waited two years just to be told this; yeah, I know I have insomnia, I NEVER SLEEP), or it could be nerve damage from shingles. Nothing was ever fully determined except I have insomnia.

Being 15 at the time, my mom obviously did not want me to get on any sleeping pills due to the addictive aspect, and then there was the dependency on these pills that I would never sleep without them. Understandable. I think she made a good decision, because now working as a nurse, I have seen these side effects firsthand, but I digress. I basically had to retrain myself to sleep, sort of like how you sleep train infants.

This did not work. I write this at 22 years old. I go nights with one, two, maybe three hours of sleep. Other nights, I sleep for a while then wake up at about 4 AM. When I am asleep, I don’t stay asleep, but this is only happening during the night. Strange.

Looking back on it, I’m starting to think that perhaps subconsciously this is because of the night terrors and the old hag I used to get when I was a kid. It makes sense when I can sleep during the daytime; there is no fear, there is no darkness, no witching hour, just comfort. As I write this, I have been up since 4 AM, worked a 12 hour shift from 8 AM to 8 PM, came home, showered, watched TV, and tried to sleep. It is now midnight. I have been awake for 20 hours. I am exhausted, but I cannot stop tossing and turning in my bed. Over thinking, becoming more and more stressed, all while making myself infuriated with the fact that I am TIRED.

No home remedy, no melatonin, counting sheep, dream catchers, nightlights, or white noises will ever work for me. I have tried it all. Wishing every night that this will be the night that I sleep, and stay asleep; but unfortunately, that never comes. Maybe one of these days I will get a sensible amount of sleep during the night and stay asleep. Until then, I’ll daydream about how relaxed and peaceful it must be.

*Old hag—The night hag or old hag is the name given to a supernatural creature, used to explain the phenomenon of sleep paralysis. It is a phenomenon during which a person feels a presence of a supernatural malevolent being which immobilizes the person as if sitting on his/her chest or the foot of his/her bed (Found off of a Google search).