Insomnia

Rain. Thunder. Lightning so bright it looks like the sun is out, but it only lasts a second each time. The thunder reminds me of the growling sound my stomach is currently making. It's one o'clock in the morning. I cannot sleep. An ambulance passes by making my decision to give up trying to sleep. Insomnia is the worst. I remember when I was a child thunder storms were so soothing that I fell asleep in seconds. Now I find myself two weeks into being thirty, irritated at the storm and my mind. It always wants to wander the most when I have a dire need for sleep. I have to wake up in a few hours to get ready for work. Thank goodness it's our slow season. I'm not sure I have the strength to lift large, heavy car parts for eight hours with no sleep. Did I mention that I need sleep? "SLEEP!" I shout. "SLEEP! FOR THE LOVE OF A HIGHER POWER, CAN I PLEASE SLEEP?!" There's silence as I scan my dark room trying to adjust my eyes; thunder and lightning yell again. I guess that's a no.

Do you remember as a child not wanting to take a nap? "But I'm not tiiiiired." we would mumble through a yawn. Our elders were always humored by our nonchalant lie. They would say, "Wait until you're an adult. All you will want to do is sleep." This quote, of course, was repeated tirelessly until we became adults ourselves. As teenagers, there is nothing more annoying than repetition. "Wait until..." this happens and "Wait until..." that happens. "As an adult..." this and "When you're older..." that. Gahh, OKAY MOM I GET IT. (Sheesh, moms. Am I right?) Finally, as an adult you get a job, your first apartment, your first car, etc. You work eight to fourteen hour shifts because you're only nineteen years of age and have an insane amount of energy. A few years go by, you go to work, you come home, you party. Work, home, party, work, home, party. Then you have kids. You stop partying and become a responsible adult who is consistently tired. Then, all of a sudden, you find yourself saying the same damn things that your parents repetitiously engraved into your brain. Halfway through your lecture to your child (who is probably rolling their eyes and their lame parent) you find yourself saying, "Wait until you're an adult. All you will want to do is sleep." You abruptly stop talking as you come to the realization that you are now just like your parents. The only thing you can think now, Shit. I'm a fucking adult.

I remember the moment I came to that realization. You want to know how I handled it? I took a fucking nap for THREE FUCKING HOURS. It was glorious! Know why? Because I'm a fucking adult. (Yes, I'm a mom who swears way too much. Get over it.) I am a single mom who works three jobs, cooks, cleans, plays with her son, takes care of three cats and is a fearless friend to whoever is in need of some therapy at time of the day or night. When I said those words to my son, I had a realization that our parents had it all wrong. As an adult, and even more so as a parent, all we do is push ourselves to do EVERYTHING. As an adult, we often forget to take care of ourselves and our well being because we are so worried about teaching our kids (or others) how to be strong and productive. Which is not exactly a bad thing. However, we need to teach ourselves and future generations that we also need to take care of ourselves. We need to nourish our mind, body and soul with self love and self care. Yes, it's good to be productive; naps are even better. You do a lot in a day, you shouldn't feel obligated to run yourself ragged just because you're an adult. Be your adult self and tell your child self, "It's nap time. Don't say you're not tired because I know you are. If you don't take a nap now, you'll regret it later!" Then lay your ass in that bed and close your eyes for thirty to ninety minutes.

If only my body would take this advice and let me sleep. At this point, it's just making me look like a hypocrite.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Go to bed.

It's past your bedtime.

Slacker.