I was running on empty, so I run

Last November, I was handling two jobs and always surrounded by lots of friends. So I barely had any time alone. And that became a problem. I forgot how to enjoy being myself anymore. Especially, at night, as soon as I left alone when the wave of all the noise and chatters was suddenly gone, and I felt like floating in deep water in the dark. One night, I couldn't sleep at all. I got out of the bed and looked at the mirror.

For a very long time, I was staring at myself in the mirror, and suddenly I got afraid because there was a stranger. I didn't know her that well anymore. I used to be her best friend, but now I had no clue what she was going through. I couldn't even look at her in the eyes because I was so ashamed. I was so embarrassed that I fell apart this far from her.

That night, I realized that I was in a rut. Day by day, I've led myself to nowhere with meaningless steps. Is there any feeling worse than losing control of my life? I haven't found it yet.

Then I started looking at my body with a bigger mirror from head to toe as if I never looked at it before. I do love some parts of my body, but there are also other parts that I won't be talking about here. Anyway, I know for sure about my body that it behaves pretty well, depending on how I treat it. It doesn't lie. I was relieved. If there was one thing that I had full control over, it was my body. So I decided to put it in use. I thought if I could run for miles, I could step out of this rut.

The very next day, I went outside, got my Nike on, put some Eminem on, and I was ready. I started running. That was the first time that I ever ran outside. I would go to the gym on and off and did some running on a treadmill, but when you need to fight the air resistance and find the right pace on your own, it is on another level. Not long after, my legs started to burn, and my breath was getting shorter. I felt like my lungs would be exploded if I go one more step.

I stopped and checked my running app to see how far I came.

'1.2km'

WHAT THE HELL? I was exhausted as I have rotated the earth. I expected more. I still remember that mixed feeling with excitement and a little bit of disappointment on that day. After taking a hot shower, I felt much better. It had been a long while since I went to sleep with satisfaction and fulfillment.

"Sometimes, taking time is actually a shortcut."

― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

Fast forward to now, I've run 541km. Slowly but gradually, I became a better runner. Whenever I run, there is a moment that makes me think I can't go any further. But now I know it's all in my head. If I ignore that voice and take one more step, just one, the voice vanishes like a magic trick.

It is so mind-blowing how clear your head can get while running. And it gets easier to direct your thoughts to a better direction in other moments as well. I often imagine people I love to cheer me up next to me or wait for me to hug me in the finish line. Or I'd think about the cold beer or hot shower after the run. It's okay to be lost in music completely as long as you forget about the physical pain and whatever limits you until you reach the goal.

Just because I've become a little better runner, I can't say I've mastered every inch of my life. I'm still wandering from state to state, and there are days when I don't want to sweat. But I've learned how to draw a clearer blueprint of life with the right headspace that I gained through running. And I'm not afraid to dare myself to do something I've never done before. Once you start running, you can't see the finish line, but you know it is there.

This morning, I looked in the mirror, and I saw a beautiful thing. I've missed her. It was so nice to see her again. I looked at her in the eyes straight and said how freaking proud I was of how far we've come so far.

'I know right', she said.

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

+ 10 songs that keep me going