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I Am Wrecked

Here's a Pep Talk

By louis De LauroPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
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It's weird, I never knew about Ulcerative Colitis until I got it.

I Am Wrecked/Here's a Pep Talk by Louis De Lauro

Sadly, I am suffering from a severe flare of Ulcerative Colitis and I am wrecked.

It took 20 years, but Ulcerative Colitis (UC) finally wrecked me. The typical UC symptoms from a severe flare are too ugly to share here. But did you know some people with UC also suffer from stomach pain, joint pain, eye pain, skin problems, and eosinophilic asthma? Well, now you do. I am suffering from all of these, plus the typical symptoms that are too ugly to share.

It's weird, I never knew about Ulcerative Colitis until I got it. Never even heard of it. Now the disease is featured on so many commercials. Humira, Stelara, and Entyvio are just three biologics you may have seen on television commercials to treat UC. UC is real. And it's devastating.

I fully accept that being wrecked is part of life, so I will be wrecked for a while.

Suffering is something we will all do. I am 53, and I am due for some suffering. I have seen my wife suffer plenty. She has had 3 major heart surgeries. I have friends and family who suffered. Now, it's my turn. I imagine we all get a turn.

I start Remicade soon. My doctor thinks it is the best medicine for me. It's an IV/an infusion that I will try 6 times a year (forever) or until it doesn't work. Remicade is a failed chemotherapy for cancer patients that often works for moderate to severe UC and other diseases. It puts approximately 70 percent of patients with UC in remission. Some people call it a miracle drug. But it has some scary side effects. But life has scary side effects too.

How does it feel to be wrecked? Some days are unbearable. Other days are unbearable but also inspiring. I teach online from 8-3 from my computer screen and my students have no idea how much I am suffering. I kind of like that. And I've been successful more days than not with my lessons. I feel good about my teaching. In fact, teaching dulls my pain. I feel competent. And I feel brave. I haven't left my home in three months except to go to see my gastroenterologist a handful of times. Teaching is my only escape.

I remind myself daily that people get wrecked.

A snowstorm in Texas wrecked people.

COVID wrecked people.

Bad relationships can wreck people.

Drugs and alcohol are wrecking balls.

Cancer is a wrecking machine.

Heart disease is a monster that wrecks you.

Cars wreck.

Some people go to war and get wrecked or wreck others.

Some people lose their minds.

People get wrecked. I am not alone.

So, I got hit with an autoimmune disorder 20 years ago. I haven't thought too much about it over the years. It was always there, but I always seemed to know how to beat it. Or at least manage it.

I knew when to fast.

When to take my meds.

When to sleep all day.

When to take a few days off from work.

When to live on papaya and/or oatmeal for a few weeks.

I imagined UC would never beat me. One or two bad weeks a year for 20 years that I could manage was typical. Sure a few years back, UC pummeled me, but I recovered. I also had a few years with no flares. I thought I was stronger than UC. I was wrong.

One positive right now is I am very sick, but I don't have colon cancer. Quite a few people with ulcerative colitis get colon cancer. I think about the Black Panther, Chadwick Boseman, often. It angers me that he died so young.

Another positive is that I still have my colon and maybe... just maybe one or two more long remissions in this lifetime. I am not ready for a colostomy bag just yet. Even though greatly admire people who have a bag.

I am on a steroid called Budenoside right now and it seems to help a little, or maybe it doesn't. One thing for sure it doesn't let me sleep. So, I am up writing this at 3 in the morning. LOL.

I am writing it for you. But this one is also for me. Writing like teaching is an escape.

I am also writing this for my wife. She may or may not read this. I wrote so often she selectively skips half of my pieces and I don't blame her.

My wife's father passed away a few weeks ago. We all miss her dad so much already. My wife suffers from a few very serious medical conditions. She's doing so much for our daughter daily. And she has had to deal with me...not being me. I am not easy to live with right now.

Thank you, Krista. You are the real hero of our family. I am just a poser with some words in my head and a keyboard. You are a fighter and champion.

Well, let me end with a pep talk from a poser, me.

So, I am wrecked.

Good. Why not? Why shouldn't I be wrecked? I am not special.

1 million Americans are suffering from UC. Many are in worse shape than me.

And others are living with cancer. Heart Disease. COVID.

And I've got UC. My worst flare in 20 years.

Bring on the Remicade. Infuse me.

Privately cheer for me, sure. But don't pity me. Forget every word I have written so far and focus on the words below.

Words to live by:

The floor is cold.

The floor is hard.

The floor is a nightmare.

So, get up.

And if you can't get up then lie still for a bit.

And try to be inspired by others. That's what I do.

Right now, I am lying still.

So, I will try to get up off the floor tomorrow or the day after that.

Or maybe the day after that.

The floor is just temporary.

One day, when you are wrecked, and on the floor, grab my hand or my words... I will lift you up.

Or even better crawl to your knees and lift yourself up.

Yes, life is challenging. Occasionally it's devastating.

But I am okay. And so are you.

humanity
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