Give It Your All

Death is one of the most natural unnatural experiences to process as a living human being. Sometimes, I feel like it is the end of the person's suffering whether it be mentally or physically. Other times, I take the spiritual approach and feel completion, as the being enters another phase of life. Still, it is painful to experience the loss especially when it is a choice, like suicide. Cheslie Kyrst's death on Sunday morning left me feeling a range of emotions for countless reasons and I will try to walk myself and you, through this range in this article. Trigger warning: If this topic is difficult for you thank you for reading up until this point. If you're ok with processing this with me, I welcome your support.

I still feel goosebumps and a warmth through my chest and over my shoulders and arms... I felt this way when I glanced at the article on Sunday, my mind quickly scanned where I had seen this face before. It was a very small thumbnail and the newsbreak app on my phone, alerted me to the incident. I had not yet fully opened the article, but I remembered admiring Cheslie Kyrst on a LinkedIn post about charity in her work as an ambassador of the Big Brothers Big Sisters of America with Express and wondered if it was the same person. A google search and instagram profile later, I was fascinated and devastated by her choice, life and accomplishments at 30 years of age. When I say choice, I mean her apparent suicide.

Public knowledge dictates that she was "a light," a genuine sweetheart, someone special to everyone who knew her. As a social justice, prison reform lawyer, entertainment reporter, brand ambassador and the owner of a jewelry store/fashion blog on instagram, she seemed to be hitting every one of a girls' dream passions and pursuits. I forgot to mention she was also the oldest Miss America USA pageant winner, so she also broke a lot of barriers with her many accomplishments and seemingly with ease and grace. Forging a powerful lane for women of color- women who look like me, women who are not always invited to win or afforded the opportunities she so boldly met. Her instagram posts #blackgirlmagic much like many of my instagram posts, had me rooting for her as I would for myself. Her hair, her smile, the tone of her voice, her poise, everything about her offered up an instantaneous, aspirational attraction.

I cried on Sunday afternoon after realizing that yes, it was the Express ambassador and reading the last post she made on instagram- "May this day bring you rest and peace." She was last seen on the 29th floor terrace of her 60ft apartment building in Manhattan, according to news reports. Her body was discovered at around 7:15am. Then came the thoughts flooding in- why now, at the end of January? The decision to not see this new year through, did she know something that we didn't? Was someone threatening her? She didn't seem depressed, but was she? What was the cause of the deep hole that she was unable to fill with all the obligations she lived for? Then the sombering thoughts, "I wish I knew her." Would I have been able to help her if she was depressed? Did she have a hard time trusting enough to let someone in, or, close enough, to be vulnerable and be truly seen, felt and heard? Was she lonely?

I've spent most of my young adult life in the "spotlight" in my community, at church, (when I belonged to a religion) at work, being an overachiever in just about every part of my life in the ways that felt most innate. Now I'm aware that I was attached to the trauma of wanting everything to be ok. Being a perfectionist in thought, action and presentation with an OCD vigor about it and at the same time, not ever allowing anyone in, close enough, to sway or stop me from living my best life. The ego, fully personified is what I see when I look at pictures of myself in my mid-twenties... We often confuse activity (busyness) with achievement (meaning) and sooner than later, we meet the feeling of emptiness. I've spent so much of my life believing that everything will be ok and everything will work out as long as I DO this or that and never stop doing it when in actuality, the external output is not as fulfilling at the internal input. How are we really feeling about ourselves, our lives and each other? How are we feeling about the people in our lives? We need a support system and it's something I've had to come to terms with and am still figuring out. The need to need someone else other than myself... The fear of disappointment after allowing someone in, only for the person to leave or not accept the person they've come to know- me, for who I am ... If she read this, could she relate?

There is so much attached to a single thought- the origin of it, is it trauma based? Why do I feel this way? Am I judging myself, feeling shame, guilt even? How do I feel better? I've dedicated much of January listening to David Sauvage, dubbed, "The Empath" and it has truly allowed me to sit with my emotions, feel them and release them, along with any judgments attached. Vulnerability is at the end of understanding the many layers of yourself, much of which can be seen by an examination or awareness of your feelings. This is something that I've struggled with for as long as I can remember and also why I began journaling at 14 years old. Holding space for yourself is essential, especially due to the fact that no one has demonstrated how to do so for you. I have both Mother and Father wounds, (most of us do) having come from a broken home (divorce) in this physical existence, that I truly wish I could have fixed. That's at the core of my inner child healing. No matter how great or impressive I appeared to be, and I needed to appear great and impressive to feel like I mattered, the broken parts waited and waited and waited until I was ready to do the ongoing work of healing, beginning in 2020.

The depth of your ability to understand yourself is the depth of your ability to understand someone else. Yet, still, there is a need for separation to avoid projection and experience someone else purely and not with bias. A lot of times, we are also experiencing the strong emotional, trauma bonds of our family members that we have yet to see as in fact, not our own experience but solely theirs. The shame and guilt of not being enough to keep my parents from arguing, neglecting love and happiness is in fact not my emotional burden to carry into every relationship, my parents were responsible for the choices they made each time, in each fight and argument. It was not my job to fix or heal my parents, I was a child. The constant awareness to walk in my own choices and not be influenced by my trauma has become an integral part of my healing journey, especially after being triggered seven months ago.

I crashed in September 2021, I hardly spoke or saw anyone for the entire month. I will revisit this experience as it unfolds in my heart and mind because each time, I learn something new. The loss of hope that I felt, a deep sadness at not being able to create the change I was so hopeful for on my visit back home in July 2021. I felt like a failure, and this is a feeling that I don't allow myself to fully feel or learn from often enough... I did not feel seen by the people I wanted to be seen by the most- my family. I forgot to separate my own experience from our trauma bonds. My spiral caused me to quit the job that I was using to keep me busy and away from processing these emotions, until I could no longer ignore them. My body first told me to slow down, I had a fever, swollen lymph nodes and dizziness, I lost weight. I had to lay in bed for a few days, test for Covid only to realize that I was running myself into the ground by showing up and being my best for work while deteriorating inside and neglecting me, even my diet suffered. I DID all that I could until I could not DO anymore externally. I sat with myself for an entire month. I had to comfort myself when it felt impossible to do so but I got through it. I'm so happy that it took seven months to feel somewhat like myself again but with caution... How much of myself prior to this crash- mental, emotional, physical break, accompanied by overwhelming thoughts, feelings, panic attacks and the occasional thought of disappearing, as in, not existing anymore, would I hold onto? Who would really miss me? How much have I actually accomplished in my life? I was able to only focus on every single time that I felt like a failure in my life. I really put myself through it. Cheslie Kyrst's choice could have become my reality...

In the end, of a lesson or a life, it is important to not judge ourselves for not knowing the answers all along. Every one of us has a path and a journey to follow. We also have an expiration date that we will never really know when that day will come, so, what do we do in the interim? Give it your all, be all that you are because then and only then will you accomplish what you came here to do. Every action, every thought, every emotion, every experience somehow lives on and lasts a lot longer than we do in our physical state. Each lesson, endeavor, impact and impression become a part of our memory and that is how I choose to process the painful completion, that we all experience as the cycle of life and death. Thank you for being here.