Flame Coat

In the 90's I had chronic health problems I took medication for. The upside of that is that I survived my 20's and started creating a life for myself as an adult. The downside was the damage that the medication did to my kidneys. In 2015 they started failing, and by 2017 I was looking at dialysis and a transplant. In 2016, seeing the medical storm approaching, I started a project. I would crochet squares and make them into a coat.

I needed something that I could take in a bag with me to appointments, and what ended up being 5 surgeries, 12 hospitalizations, a year of at home dialysis, 1 new kidney, rejection, infections, cancer and ultimately the start of a long road to recovery. I loved being able to finish a square in a day, even when my hands were swollen, or my mind fogged by medication. I always had my zip top bag with yarn, scissors and my 3mm hook.

I made a lot of things in-between. Stuffed animals, bereavement gowns for angel babies, bags, socks, and for some reason a whole flock of owl key chains one year. I sewed clothes to accommodate my dialysis catheters that didn't look like medical equipment, and clothes that fit my surgically altered body. In the spaces between that, every time I ended up in the Emergency Department, or had another surgery, I made squares.

I received a new kidney, from a friend, on August 8, 2018. Three days later my body started to reject it. It took a month in hospital to save it, and save me. I had the yarn, and I made a bunch of squares, including a couple with mistakes that I am just keeping in, because that's where I was at that point, and this is my record. Trips to the yarn store with my donor were a huge treat. Our kidneys are wound together with love, but also with yarn. She is a knitter.

In March 2020, I had a cancer scare, and had major surgery on the first day of Covid lockdown in my province. I took the bag with me, and in the 2 weeks of isolation in the hospital, I made squares.

The yarn I used was discontinued over the time I've been working on the coat. I lost 24 squares in a waiting room somewhere. I had to change the design multiple times as my body changed with surgery and medication, and for a while, I gave up. On the project, but also on me. I came back to it multiple times, and returned to a confidence that I would be ok. This project has been with my for the whole journey, and I feel like it is the map of my path. Every appointment, every hospitalization is in there. Every night I was so sick or scared I couldn't sleep.

I am at about 150 squares now, and have just started seaming them together to make the final shape of the coat. My healing is going well. I am still recovering, but I feel like I am emerging out of the fire, and into this coat. It has been a project of hope, pride and confirmation of me as a crafter, as a woman, as strong and determined, and as stubborn.

Crafting and creating in the face of fear, or despair, is an act of bravery but also confirmation that you are still here. I made something. Even when I was powerless, and couldn't take care of myself - I created. Making is a powerful thing - you invent physical objects which change the space around you, and this project is the happiness and pride in creating that helped give me some of the power I needed to keep going.

I taught a couple of other people to crochet over the time I've been doing this, and I'd love to keep doing that. Finding your strength is something you should share.

Now all I have to do is sew in all the ends and snip off all the yarn tails!