Finding Out

It's a cold, lonely, dark, and depressing day when you finally learn what it takes for you to become heartless and cruel, for lack of a better word. Mean doesn't even begin to cover how you truly feel. Every interaction you have with new and old friends and acquaintances leads to rude conclusions and anger. You realize you've become the angry customer. Never satisfied with what is happening with the services provided to you and you don't know how to keep yourself calm or say something without pointed contempt.

It happens with your employers and family first, then your school, if you're even in school, and then it becomes your housing staff or the coffee shop employees down the road. Even the copy shop that's supposed to have a service to help you can't and you're defeated. All you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs and curse God or the Gods for why nothing seems to be going how they need to be going. You know in your heart that just holding on a little longer, being patient is the way to get what you desire. Throwing a tantrum at almost 27 isn't the ticket sis! You're a grown up and you need to get your act together. No one is going to take you seriously if you lose your temper because you don't get the answer you need or want.

So the big question is do we embrace the child-like temper tantrums and rub people the wrong way and make enemies and hateful relationships or do we act our age and move past whatever is hurting us that we feel we need to lash out at others for not giving us what we need and/or want? The last few years of life are a slow decent into the mindset that nothing really matters, we could die in an instant so who really cares anyways. It becomes I may never see this person again so why does it matter if I'm a heartless, (insert your own bad word here). Why does any of it really matter when your grandparents and parents legacies don't mean anything to anyone. When you are no one to so many people and have no voice in any world.

It's eye opening when you realize you'll have those that tell you you are a good person and then those that know you will tell you all about how you're a drunk, you're an addict, you're weak, you're never going to find someone like me, you're worthless, you're a brat, you're hateful and mean spirited. You wake up one morning after being told this for years by so many people and realize if more than one person sees you like this, it must be true. You're bitter and hateful and though you want to spite the world and turn your life around no one is willing to open the door or a window or a portal to another dimension to let you re-create yourself and try again. Then you remember that you've had your second chance more than once and the world is done with you. You contemplate just what it means to be alive but dead inside. You feel no emotion or compassion for others until its too late to do so.

What do you do when you wake up and finally realize this about yourself? Seek help? Help hasn't been very helpful this whole time. Where do you even begin to look for the next chapter or start to where you want to be or see yourself? I guess it truly doesn't matter, no one has the answers to this. Life is just a game to most anyways. We get bored and have to create something from nothing to try to make sense of the desires and fears and joys life brings. Maybe the conspiracy theorists are right, none of this real and nothing really matters. I really don't know. If you feel you need to be rude, be rude. Just do what you do, if you have a guilty mindset afterwards, do what you have to do to convince yourself it's not you, it's them. Or let yourself feel the anger and hurt. You'll get over it eventually, we all usually do. Even those that hold grudges and want to see the world of someone crumble, eventually they let it go right?

C'est la vie mon ami!