Diagnosed At 23

"I want you to consider yourself on the spectrum." Certain words or sentences have a way of sticking in my head. I wasn't surprised when this one decided to stay. I was, however, surprised by the weight it seemed to carry with it. When we think of autism we usually think of either Asperger's or typical autism. My younger brother was diagnosed as having Asperger's at a very young age. Maybe it was because of his inability to talk at the recommended age or the way he acted out. Between my older brother, my mom, and my little brother... my household was saturated with mental health diagnoses. Sometimes I attribute this to why I didn't even seek therapy until my later years of high school.

I always felt this ridiculous need to be normal for the fear that to be damaged was to damn my entire family. My first diagnosis was of generalized anxiety and clinical depression. Analyzing my symptoms, I suppose I would have agreed with this diagnosis if I didn't KNOW there was an underlying issue. I was in high school, known in some dimensions as hell. I didn't really attend therapy much after that, under the assumption that it was sure to only make things worse. Fast forward a few years to college.

If navigating social interactions in high school was the game Battleship, then college was walking a maze full of live munitions. I guess you can say, I was goofy footed. Stepping on a proverbial landmine was inevitable.

Back to the diagnosis. My first reaction was to walk straight out of my therapist's office. I think the only reason I didn't was for fear of proving her right. Well, isn't this what autistic people do when they hear news they don't like? I didn't want to be this stereotype. I didn't want it to be true. In reality, there is so much more to the spectrum. My little brother was diagnosed as having Asperger's when he was pretty young. An ear infection rendered him inaudible well past the normal speaking age. I felt like I had no right to be autistic and that, honestly, I couldn't be. In actuality, Autism has a large genetic component. Families with one autistic child have a 20 percent greater chance of having another child with autism. Some recent studies suggest that the figure is even higher than that. As it turns out, I landed myself a diagnosis of high functioning autism which, in short means, "normal until not". That's what it feels like most days. I'm normal until I'm not anymore. With the release of my first children's book exploring the impact my grandfather had on me as a child, I decided it was finally time to open up about what was on my mind concerning this new information. The first time I read the book, an audience member came up to me and said: "well, you look fine."

I am a 6 foot, 210 lb black male. By all accounts, I would be considered by society an attractive person with a pretty good fashion sense. I guess in short you can say I do "look fine". Maybe she was referring to the fact that I was able to read and open myself up to a room full of about 10 children and maybe 5 adults. I really like smaller crowds. Most people see me as a social person though, which has been the hardest part of this diagnosis. I know I'm not a social person but feel like I'm too social to be considered to be on the spectrum. To quote the show Atypical, which was suggested to me by a friend after revealing my secret, "I like research". This may be one of those undiscussed stereotypes of people on the spectrum, but I do. It's what has driven me into the science. It's assumed that most people on the spectrum prefer the hard sciences due to their rigidity. Having hard and fast facts admittedly make things significantly easier; still, soft sciences like psychology get their fair share of interest. Why wouldn't someone with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) want to study neurotypicals and others who are neurodivergent in hopes of bettering themselves socially?

One of my earliest memories of my mom was trying to mimic her smile for a photo. As much as I look up to my mom, I didn't do it because I wanted to be like mommy. I did it because the cameraman said 'smile'. My brothers and mom smiled and I felt like I had to, too. For the next few years, much of my behavior seemed to follow the same pattern. I was doing one thing after another in an attempt to get better socially. Picking up rules and patterns, becoming more precise and skilled in my approach. I think this had a significant effect on my late diagnosis. I often think back to the times when my family would joke with me about being too sensitive. I would start crying uncontrollably over the craziest things, it seemed. I got overwhelmed so easily over seemingly the smallest things. I still do, though. I just worked tirelessly for years until I stopped shedding tears with my discomfort. With a mom who is an English buff, it was encouraged to use your words, and eventually, I got really good at it. Even still, I find myself unable to tell what even those closest to me are feeling. Does it make dating hard? Unbelievably. The thing I have been studying the longest–human interactions–still escapes me a lot more than I'd like it to.

I'm still figuring it out. Even though my diagnosis came at 23, it's something I've been fighting against since I was a child. I'm learning that ASD isn't my enemy and that falling on the spectrum doesn't make me weird. I'm learning that just because I know people, regularly engage in public speaking events and am engaged, does not mean that I can't be on the autism spectrum. I think for those of us who are, we spend so much time trying to engage in social interactions OR desperately trying to avoid them, we forget it's okay just to be. Don't deny yourself a life because of your diagnosis, and don't deny yourself your diagnosis because of your life.

I am an author, public speaker, actor, director, biotechnologist, fiance, brother, best friend, son. cousin, grandson, nephew, and, if you ask me on a good day... Spiderman. Oh, and I am on the spectrum. Call this acceptance.