Desperate for Control in a Nightmare World

It all feels so out of control. And, this lack of control feels different because there’s no real way to stop it at the moment. It’s like we’re all in a massive group project where the majority of the group is doing what they’re assigned, but the ones that aren’t are causing previously unimaginable problems and threatening to derail the entire project. I knew there was a reason I hated group projects!

This is, as has been talked about ad nauseam, a whole new world for pretty much everyone. The news we read is terrible and just seems to get more ghastly with every passing day, especially here in the States. Single people are trapped alone in their homes for weeks on end. Parents are trying to work from home and homeschool at the same time. Teachers and schools are trying to adapt their school years to all of these changes, while also accommodating the students who do not have access to computers (or stable housing or food). It seems like everything is spiraling and we can’t stop it.

I wrote last week about what I was trying to do to mitigate some of the anxiety I’ve been feeling. I’m still doing those things, but the anxiety seems to keep piling up. The Harvard Business Review published a fascinating article by Scott Berinato, titled, That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief. In it, he describes the varieties of grief that one can experience. One that really stuck with me was anticipatory grief. It’s exactly what it sounds like, grief for things that haven’t happened yet. We may be grieving the as yet unknown total number of deaths from COVID-19 or the inevitable changes to our society that will come in it’s aftermath. I do think many of us are suffering through anticipatory grief, and to bring it all together, I think that grief partly stems from our lack of control over the situation.

My husband and I were discussing the control issue a few days ago. We have both gone through times in our lives when circumstances were difficult, and ultimately out of our control. But, even when we couldn’t control what happened, we knew there was a way to control it, the possibility at least existed. Right now, this virus has no cure or vaccine. All we can do is stay home and hope for the best. We watch our hard-working, and overwhelmed healthcare workers try to manage ill people’s symptoms until they are able to recover. Still, others aren’t staying home and their actions are endangering all of us.

Adjusting how we live our lives and being forced to think about COVID-19 constantly is exhausting. And, it makes you feel paranoid. A trip to the grocery store is now a multi-step process of washing, sanitizing a variety of things, and re-washing. Every cough (despite the fact that it’s allergy season) has us all googling the symptoms of coronavirus. The lack of control, and the trying to overly control the small things that we can is driving us mad.

Having a loose routine helps immensely. Like any good control freak, making a list of tasks to be completed and checking them off, one by one, is satisfying. It gives structure to our suddenly much less structured days. But, the flip side is that we don’t have to rush out the door every morning. Breakfasts can be leisurely and there’s no traffic, right? There’s been more chatting and togetherness, even when we’re far apart. Family walks are making a comeback (Don’t call it a comeback, I been here for years—thanks LL Cool J).

The lack of control over our situation may be killing us both literally and figuratively, but it might be our savior too. This horrible, life-altering situation has us slowing down, putting down our devices and just being in the moment. At a time when everyone was “doing it for the ‘gram” we’re now making decisions that will keep us healthy, safe and sane.