Death and All Her Friends

We all cope with loss differently. Whether it's a sudden death of a young loved one, or an elderly loved one that was sick. We all have our stories, and it's important to remember that not everyone will grieve how you will grieve. When death comes knocking on our door, she does not come alone. She brings her friend Grief and all her friends.

Shock/denial

Pain/guilt

Anger/bargaining

Depression

Upward turn

Reconstruction

Acceptance/hope

I am here to tell you, there is no specific order to transitioning/working through these phases. It is quite possible to feel and go through more than one at once and at different times. As humans, we like to think we have control over the way things happen or how they will happen because it makes us feel better. It may even feel like it's easier if we know what to expect. The truth is, grief is one thing we cannot control. It comes in waves, and some days it may feel like you're drowning. Other days you might not feel anything. That is okay. But just know, you're not alone.

Do's and don'ts

Do make sure you check on the grieving person, not overwhelmingly but reach out here and there. Let them know you are there for them, but also remember to give them their space. Not everyone likes company when they are going through something, especially when grieving, but don't be afraid to offer. If they refuse your company, let them be. If they don't answer give them their deserved time and space. It's not personal. They will talk/respond when they are ready.

Don't be afraid to share memories of their lost loved one with your friend. If you are worried that it will make them sad, know that they are already sad and hearing something nice about that person might make them feel better.

When comforting your friend, please don't follow the same old script:

It's going to be okay.

He/she is in a better place.

It's going to get easier or you'll forget within time and move on.

Don't cry/be strong.

Your grieving friend already knows all these things, and not everyone has the same beliefs. Instead, say things like:

I know things are not okay, and I know it may not seem like it right now but it will be okay in the end, so take all the time you need.

Where ever your loved one is, know they are always going to be in our hearts.

I know it's not easy, and you'll live with this loss for the rest of your life, but within the time you'll find ways to cope with that loss and I'll be here when you need to talk.

You are so strong, but remember it's okay to feel what you feel, how you feel, when you feel it.

If you are currently coping with the loss of a loved one, here are a few ways to help:

Continue doing the things that the person loved. It will be painful at first, but it's all apart of the process. Once in a while, maybe make their favorite meal/meals and eat it on their behalf. Watch their favorite show if they had one. Go to their favorite places. Visit them. Do not let anyone tell you that you shouldn't visit your loved one too much because they are gone and it'll only make you sad. It's okay to visit your loved ones as often as you need to. It's a hard pill to swallow, realizing that they are no longer here to do those things with you. But by doing so yourself, you can help keep their memory alive and it may even bring you comfort.

Keep an item from your loved one, whether it's a hat, sweater, or scarf. Don't be afraid to wear it or carry it with you. It's bittersweet I know, but for some reason, it helps.

Allow yourself to relax. Take some time for yourself, and let yourself grieve. We all have responsibilities but it's okay to go with the flow. Don't beat yourself up if a day passes by and you haven't done anything. Your body needs time to recover and start the healing process. People often mistake grief for being just an emotional and mental journey. It is also a physical one. Your loved one is no longer here. You cannot hug them, kiss them, hear their voice, or hold their hand. Learning to cope with this will take time. It might help to show physical love to your family, they are also experiencing this loss. When you are missing this person, reach for a loved one's hand. It might not feel the same, but it's nice to feel their presence because they are here and they love this person too.

When death comes knocking on our door, it is a shock whether the death of that person is expected or not. So be kind, check in on your friends, and LET them grieve.