Dear Me

I’m pretty glad I’m learning so much. It feels like a blessing every single day. This is to me from me. I’m sorry I haven’t been connecting with you for the last year, and I didn’t mean to. I have distanced myself from you because I was ashamed of the things I have done. But I didn’t know that things could be better when we communicate. Even though it is easy to talk, it still challenges my courage. I have put down the wall of shame and now I’m walking toward the very thing that makes me understand you. I am sorry that I had built a wall in the first place, I didn’t know the better ways until I went the wrong way. And it’s truly timely that I understand it now, I would have went to the direction that made me have never met you and here we are.

I have looked so low onto myself for a while that I started believing it. I stopped believing in that because that’s just stabbing my soul and I prayed so long to get out of it. It is only my communication with you that makes me finally understand. I have hid things from you, but I now know I can never do that. I know I brought shame into our lives and kept it all because I was hiding it from you. I forget that if we keep things to ourselves that it will become who we are. Now I know, thank you.

I acknowledge the distance I had walked away, and I know it will take as long as it has to walk away to find you again. I see the direction that leads me to you, and everyday I can see the drops of hope that I left behind while I was walking away. I can’t wait until we build our lives together. I believe we will do great things.

If it weren’t for your voice inside me, I would have went to the direction with no real purpose, I had given up 500 times and kept going. It is because of you that gave me a voice and said, “Tomorrow will be a better day.” Today is now tomorrow. Today, I feel the better day. All along the answers were right in front of me, shame had to blind my eyes. If only understanding was very easy to get to, it sucks being stuck in a one track mind.

I had asked, “Why am I feeling this way?” a thousand times, and now I realize that those thousand times I asked, I was supposed to ask you. I looked for the answers outside of me, anything except from you. Now I know, you hold all the answers of why I felt the way that I felt.

I know there will be bad times when I’m crushed by others and I know I will question you and want to build that wall again, but never again. I prayed so much to get out of it that I do not want to go back. That is my vow, being blind does no good, especially for one who is trying to go somewhere.

Why is it that I went this way? It is built brick by brick. There are so many complexing answers that are hard to question, especially from something negative or shameful. The thought of “my importance” had me ignoring the fact that things like this happen, to me and to everybody. You’re important, just take care of your emotions, beliefs, and morals. That’s the whole human image. The appearance will not fix the heart.

Now I know. Now we all know.

Thank you, Lord.