Cuddling therapy

Having lived the past 7 years alone in London just focusing on work and not caring too much for my personal life. People around me always knew that there is no touching me. A friend slapping my back was a no go, a hug would not end well for either of us. When shaking hands with people i always wipe my hands for a few minutes because i can still feel the other persons hands their skin texture the warmth and it just makes me feel uncomfortable. This amongst many other things which have challenged myself over the past few years went unnoticed and uncared for. My entire life revolved around work, everyone knew that the one place i'll definitely be during work hours (7am - 10pm) was at work.

January this year i decided to take a huge step and focus on my physical and mental wellbeing. Wy wellbeing schedule included a cuddling therapist. You see that in order for me to be able to better mingle and socialise with people around me, i will need to be able to accept hugs and other intimate contact which friends usually practice, given that i'm now spending less time at work (max 5 hours a day) and spending more time with my friends. The cuddling therapist is here to help with that, i'm here to share my journey with you as i go down this path to a life which includes physically interacting with people.

Thursday 8th of April 2020

Today is my first session, i've gone through hell last night, i'm nervous and unsure of what will happen. Going to bed at 7:30am out of sheer exhaustion and wake up and 10am. The appointment is scheduled for 12pm and its about a half hour drive, at 11:15 i get an Uber and head out to the therapists office. When arriving there i'm pleasantly surprised to meet Kris, she's seems calm and ready to help.

We head into a pod which is an outdoor shed (which is indoors) and we take off our shoes and sit down on the bed. The session starts with holding hands, she's rubbing my hands which is totally okay. This already feels natural to me as i'm used to shaking hands, touching another person's hands is okay.

After about 10 minutes we stand up for a hug, this is the first time in my memory which i recall being hugged. The hug represents a lot to me, in my mind i've built up this moment of being hugged by another person. There is close contact, there's the touching and feeling another persons breath on me. Having my back and neck rubbed isn't something i've ever experienced. We stand hugging for about 15 minutes, at this point i'm starting to relax and let go of all the blockages my mind is trying to put up as to why this may not be a good idea and i just let go. The feelings coming up in my body is a warmth i don't ever recall feeling and i just go with it. Being hugged by another person, brings out so many feelings within the body and mind it just feels good.

After hugging, we sit back down on the bed, in the lounge chair position (link here). She sits behind me with her legs spread open and a pillow in front of her, whilst i sit in front of her. Sitting down in such a position was really uncomfortable at first, being so close to another person is beyond what i've ever done. Sitting down and leaning back into Kris this was a point at which my mind starts telling me that this is a safety line which cannot be crossed, but screw that i'm here to break out of my comfort zone and be able to better interact with others, so i lean back and let go.

At this point my body just locks up and i start shivering uncontrollably, Kris realises this and slows down to allow me to relax. My mind starts controlling again, a few deep breaths in and out and i'm ready to relax again. We sit in this position for over an hour, cuddling, snuggling & light massaging. Whilst this may seem normal to most people this is extremely uncomfortable and unknown to me. During this time, my mind floats to many different thoughts, thinking how much better life could be being able to socially interact with others. At some point Kris starts touching my head behind my ears which immediately locks up my body. The feeling is amazing, my mind however has decided that this is a boundary which cannot be crossed, again a few deep breaths in and out and all is good.

After about an hour we stand up for a final hug, being more comfortable now, i go in for a more meaningful hug and allow my body to relax into the hug. Now i hold tighter and gently caress Kris, something which the first time seemed impossible. As we stand hugging my entire body starts feeling alive, i can feel emotions and tingling like i've never felt before, and i hold her even tighter. As we continue hugging, i feel as if i'm going into an amazing high with no limits, feeling good all over with serotonin rushing through my body i fell reborn. Ultimately my mind wins this battle, after about 10 minutes my mind feels like its about to explode and anxiety kicks in at 100, a panic attack is about to set in. I release myself and collapse onto the bed with my head in my hands, taking deep breaths i bring myself back to reality.

This entire experience has been surreal to me, as i try to cope and understand what it is that my body has just gone through. Kris is very understanding of my anxiety and gives me space for a few minutes to compose myself.

After this we finish up the session with some relaxing techniques to try in my own time. Heading out, i start thinking of this whole experience, my body and mind feel more at ease. all the different ideas coming to my mind all end up in one final conclusions, i have overcome another challenge.

When i get home, i realise that a lot of my stress and pains have disappeared even if just temporarily. Sitting on the couch at home i let myself relax and when my friend sits down next to me, instead of moving over to make space and leave a gap, i allow the both of us to slightly touch. Later in the day, i randomly hug another friend (a no-no up and until now). In the evening, my old habits kick back in and start to distance myself slightly from others. However i know that with enough time and practice i will overcome my struggles.

Since my session on Thursday, i have been physically interacting a lot more with others. Friends now get slightly weirded out when i try hugging them but they're definitely getting used to this. This in no way means that i'm ready to face the real world. There are a few more appointments booked and i will be sharing my journey with you as i go through this.

Many people probably go through this on their own without knowing or thinking of a solution and suffer unbearably. I'm here to tell you that there is absolutely a way forwards.

Peace and love, Mo.