COVID-19: I am experiencing every single emotion in one day at once.

I‘m going through every single emotion there is out there right now.

One moment I‘m laughing at memes about the shit we come up with during this quarantine. The next moment I find myself absolutely paralyzed by what is happening in this world right now. Two seconds later I am crying because I can‘t even handle the pain all the families that lost someone during this time are going through. Again three seconds later I just sit there and stare at the ground. I find myself wanting to distract myself only to find myself not being okay with distracting myself. I am battling to tell myself that it is okay that I am not okay and I am arguing with the voice that says I should be productive. Productive during a global pandemic? Is that a joke? I procrastinate on normal days, heck, on days that I am happy I procrastinate but you expect me to be productive during a global pandemic? I open Instagram and I get angry. I get angry at the people that pretend like nothing is happening at all. I get angry seeing people talk about other things. Only to find myself arguing myself that these people do not know how to handle this situation either. Some are just doing their work, the work they have to do although there is a deadly virus going around. Some people need to pretend like nothing is happening to not lose their minds. They are maybe even sharing this to help others not lose their minds and keep some sort of normality going when nothing seems normal at all. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for doing something I would normally do. I feel guilty because nothing is normal for someone working in a hospital or someone working in a supermarket. I find myself longing. Longing for the ordinary things that I didn‘t even know I was taking for granted. I never believed that I could be taking it for granted that I could freely walk around a supermarket without being a health hazard for other people. I miss holding the door open for people or helping someone pick up something that fell on the ground because people are very quick to realize that they will pick it up themselves and if we pick it up for someone else we feel like it could have been a mistake. How could picking up something off the floor for someone become a mistake? I find myself confused. I find myself confused at the information I have. I don‘t understand all the ways that the virus spreads and yet I feel like I have read it all. I feel stuck between completely overreacting and completely underreacting. But I will choose overreacting at any cost of any sort of comfort even if it means washing my hands until my hands feel like dry sand. Because the risk of it all feels too heavy to even bare to think about. I find myself wanting to relax only to find myself not being able to. I find myself so exhausted yet I feel like I am not doing enough. Every single second of the day I feel the immense urge to help and to share my knowledge about mindset, mental health and psychology to help as many people as I possibly can only to find myself laying on the floor in my tiger coat and my sweatpants and unwashed hair for 40 minutes. I wish I knew an answer to what to do but I don‘t. I think everything we do right now in anyway that is getting us through this without hurting someone else of course is the right thing to do. For some it will be doing everything they possibly can, for some it will be doing things here and there and for some it will be surviving the day and this time more than ever every single one of these options is absolutely equally the right thing to do.