Could You Be Sober Curious?

The bar trade was one I grew up within from the impressionable age of 10. Watching adults drink foul smelling liquids until they could no longer walk unaided, speak without slurring words and chain smoking cigarettes until they were sick or passed out were familiar and confusing sights to me.

Helping to clean the bar was not a favourite job of mine. The sour sticky drip trays for the beer attracted fruit flies in the summer. Emptying the can and bottle bins where wasps buzzed around angry and high on refined sugar was another task I could have lived without experiencing. The distinctive stale smell of the bar was ever present to me. No amount of poisonous air fresheners ever managed to quite mask it.

Fast forward four years and I became part of that bar scene myself. Of course, not in ‘old man’ bars like the one I grew up around, I preferred the ‘fancy’ bars that weren’t filled with children like me. In the early 2000s it was still relatively easy to be sold alcohol as an ‘under-ager” in Scotland. It wasn’t until around 2009 that the government cracked down on illegal sales to minors and it became almost impossible to purchase. Ironically, this was the year I was 17 and the closest I had ever been to the legal drinking age. I laugh, somewhat uneasily, now as I recall being outraged with my “I’ve been coming here for years” argument as the bouncers declined me entry without ID.

Around this time, I began developing an indifference to alcohol. The late nights and abuse to my body was beginning to become boring. It was all so same-y. Get dressed up, go out, get drunk, dance, maybe kiss a boy, eat awful takeaway food, fall into bed by 4am, go to work the next day. My life looked like that of everyone else I knew and was in serious need of a makeover. Thankfully that was about to come. My father was inspired to improve his fitness and sought my company to attend the gym. I was gifted a year’s members and this soon became my new addiction.

Every morning at 6am I was waiting outside Livingwell Gym for it to open. I worked out hard, taking out my frustrations of life in the healthiest way I could. I began to go indoor rock climbing regularly, noticing as weeks went by how my ability was soon surpassing those who had been at it for years. I can recall doing a set of 30 pull ups before becoming bored and moving onto another area of the gym. My fitness and energy levels had skyrocketed. The rest of my life was chaotic, pressured and not at all what I had wanted. But one fundamental difference? I was stronger to deal with it. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

And without alcohol.

My mother barely touched from alcohol; having been raised with an abusive alcoholic step-father and working in various bars over the years she soon came to see that it was the drug that made people mean, stupid or both. Her youthful, radient skin carried her well into her 50s and is the advert for abstinance! As a stereotypical chef, my father drank as regularly as money would allow when I was young. In this case I am thankful we were poor, otherwise I imagine this would have been more of an issue within our family. As an adult I can now look back to his violent mood swings and wonder just how much of those were indeed alcohol related.

For as much as I want to push the case for sobriety, I do believe all drugs have some medicinal benefit. The trouble is, we wouldn’t need the medicinal benefit if we were taking better care of ourselves and each other. I am aware this is a skill that can take a lifetime to master and that some of us will never get there. We all adapt the best we can to our environment. Some of us will become casualties of poor self-care (look at the mortality rates of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, liver failure), some will learn from the mistakes of others and lessen the damage they inflict on themselves, others will learn fast and thrive. But why cant we all choose to thrive?

Anywhere there is great poverty, there are strong links to trauma, crime and violence. People under immense stress, or with poor coping mechanisms for stress, often turn to drugs and alcohol. The damage they inflict on themselves and others through neglect or abuse carries across many generations. Until someone down that chain manages to break that cycle of addiction. There are many ‘reasons’ why people drink regularly. Some to be ‘social’ (fear of rejection, desire to conform to societal expectation), some for ‘fun’ (those who do not understand true joy), some as an ‘escapism’ (from problems they do not have the skills to fix), some are biologically addicted (after years of alcohol misuse), to name a few.

Ultimately, psychology tells us that the root of any addiction lies in fear & a lack of connection; connection to the self and to purpose in their life.

Now, as someone who likes just the 'occasional' drink or night out with the ‘girls’ or ‘lads’, you are probably reading this thinking that this all couldn’t possibly apply to you. Todays alcohol scene for most people is a million miles away from the bar of my childhood, or the sleazy clubs letting 15 year olds gain entry as paying customers. We are in an age where alcohol has become glamourised. Fancy wine and champagne bars little our cities, craft beers and elite spirits have been emerging on the market over the past decade. It has become ‘cool’ to discover new and ‘exciting’ alcohols to impress your friends with. We even have magazines and subscription services dedicated to helping you sample new fancy alcohols, delivered straight to your door.

A Lana Del Ray song from years past comes to mind;

“Darlin’, Darlin’, doesn’t have a problem, lying to herself ‘cause her liquor’s top shelf”?

A recent survey conducted by yougov.co.uk tells us that on average, 70% of all Brits surveyed between January and March 2020 were ‘very likely’ or ‘likely’ to purchase alcohol within 30 days.

The study attached below, from September 2020 concluded there is a direct correlation between binge drinking and a lack of empathy. Note that they define 'binge' drinking as 2.5 pints or 3/4 bottle of wine in the past 30 days. Does this surprise you? It certainly surprised me. I have seen the correlation and patterns in people I have known (and in myself) but to have confirmation like this is powerful. Especially when it appears even a relatively small amount is having such a profoundly detrimental impact on us being able to relate to each other in such an important way.

What if we consider the possibility that you were actually the cause of many of your relationship problems due to your inability to empathise fully with the other party? With the reason for that lack being the poison that you consciously comsume for "fun"? This study is one of many that appears to confirm just that.

We also know that the brain will try to protect itself from becoming aware of a need to change. Just delve a little into the neurobiology of your brain and I assure that it will fascinate you. We all like to uphold the ego story that we are kind, caring people; but that cant possibly be true for all of us. Otherwise who are the infamous "they" that we bitch about to our friends?

Given this enlightening evidence that alcohol makes us worse spouses, friends, parents and family members; will we immediately stop? Will we lie to ourselves as addicts do; saying this may apply to others, but not to us? Or do admit that we just don't care? Perhaps the high we get from alcohol binge drinking outweighs our care for how we make others feel.

An alcohol related lack of care, perhaps?

My ex husband was an alcoholic. He once argued with me that empathy was not a 'real thing'. He was an extreme case, for sure. But if we are partaking in alcohol, we are still somewhere on the scale of this empathy devoid path. I can still recall (in shock) googling the definition for him just to prove the word exists; in attempt to reason the word would not exist if it wasn't real! He still refused to believe any person could feel what another is feeling. He could cognitively comprehend sympathy, in spite of never practicing it; but empathy was a serious mystery to him. One which hurt his brain and made him angry. (Alcoholics have to work very hard to have conversations about things that they do not understand).

Are you aware that there are 3 million alcohol related deaths every year? That’s one person every 10 seconds dying because of this drug [World Health Organisation, 2021]. 



There is no other drug with such a mortality rate. Worse still, the death rates from alcohol are highest not amongst the elderly, or long term drinkers. The death and disability rates attributed to alcohol represent 13.5% of the 20-39 year age group. That’s over one in every 10 deaths of people in the prime years of their lives. How many of these do you suspect would have described themselves as alcoholics or having an alcohol misuse disorder?



To put these figures in perspective; as of February 2nd 2021 there had been 2.2 million people having died with COVID-19 in total. (These numbers are of people who have died testing positive with COVID-19 in their system at the time of death - not necessarily people who have died from COVID-19. The WHO makes this clarification in their small print).

Did we shut down bars and off-licences at any point in recent history because of alcohol related death figures? The statistics show that the mortality rates far outweigh the current pandemic - and especially so amongst the young. Did we declare that pubs must shut and alcohol must be immediately banned because of this? Clearly not.

Or do we not care because it is easier to ‘blame’ the drinker? Alcohol is their "choice" to consume, after all. If a person consumes it to the point of illness and disease, it is arguably their fault, yes? Can we empathise with that?

I see this as a catch-22.

We find it difficult to empathise with others after consuming alcohol. Alcohol is ingrained into our culture, our social events, our upbringings. So it is easy for us to sit back and allow many injustices to happen around us every day. It is easy not to care to help our neighbours or to partake in the community around us.

Beyond health consequences, the harmful use of alcohol brings significant social and economic losses to individuals and society at large. Think of costs to the NHS, the police and lost work productivity. Think of the individual costs where we live lives lacking genuine conversation and emotional depth. Where we need to numb our emotions with a substance rather than reshape our lives as we need them to be.

I pray that the days of self medicating with alcohol are drawing to an end. It is a literal poison, and it is not benefitting your life, your finances or your relationships. There are some beautiful alternatives if you still wish to consume something fancy during a get together.

The company Three Spirit launched a beautiful range of natural herbal botanical drinks that are both tasty and morish. They come with a steep price tag, but when it comes to a health investment over paying for poison, what do you think the smart choice may be?

Try a few weeks sober curious. Challenge yourself to connect with your true self, and that of your friends.

Your addict brain will be telling you all kinds of nonsense about how you will miss out on all the fun without alcohol. It will try to convince you that you can't be fun without alcohol. It will whisper that others may judge you or make fun of you for trying sobriety. But let me ask you this; are any of these reasons anything more than fear or addiction talking?

Dont allow the statistics to scare you into it.

Don’t take my word for it that you will live a far more fulfilling life without alcohol.

Don't believe the studies apply to you.

Just experiment a little with sobriety and experience the difference for yourself.