Could I have done this on my own?

When I signed up for an 8 session therapy package with my Life Coach/Therapist extraordinaire – I didn’t realize what I really needed was to stop circling my own insecurities. I didn’t even know what I was insecure about but I knew that they were there. A constant feeling of guilt and not being good enough. Good enough for what? I don't know. Now, 5 weeks in, I feel…okay. I don’t want to say normal because what is that? But I do feel a sense of self that I haven’t felt in a long time. I’m making time for things I forgot that I loved and most importantly, I’m motivated to improve my life in ways I’ve been putting off. Is this what self-love is actually about? I’m pursuing things that may not work out but doing it anyway because even if it doesn't work… at least I went for it. I’m grateful for my experience and am excited to see what the last 3 weeks have in store.

But with all that progress I have to wonder - could I have solved my own issues? I had a pretty tough childhood and before therapy I used to pride myself in being what I felt was 'strong enough to deal with it on my own'. But, now that I'm entering my 31st year I realize that maybe a little help wouldn't be so bad. Help isn't the right word. Perspective.

In retrospect my life is also much different now from when I was a wee one. I'm learning about healthy balances and boundaries. I'm also learning definitions of love which I never thought existed. Unconditional being one of them.

When I was looking for a therapist I knew that I didn't want anything too clinical. I consider myself to be a spiritual person and wanted to find someone who aligned with my beliefs which includes the theories of the Universe and the Law of Attraction.

Can you believe that I found Kate on the first try? Let me rephrase- I looked for a therapist for a long time off and on and even tried one or two out unsuccessfully. But this one particular day as I am feeling particularly low I logged into Psychology Today and put in my zip code and there she is... the first option in an endless list of potential perspective helpers. I reached out to her and she returned my call soon after. We talked for a little bit and decided this could be a match.

I tried therapy as a kid with no success. I found it stuffy and uncomfortable and I wasn't ready to talk about the things that sent me there. What sent me seeking some mental company this time was by making big choices that affected my whole life as well as others in a big way. I said goodbye to my mother.

She didn't die, but instead, outstayed her welcome. It was a hard choice but when I couldn't make plans to see her without having a panic attack - something had to change. This was over a year ago. I still occasionally feel guilty about it. Not quite a scar but not a fresh wound either. It's a feeling that has scabbed over.

Anyway - in therapy we don't solely talk about her. But when we do - I appreciate the honesty and perspective. It has helped me collect my thoughts. The whole mother situation put me in a year long tizzy. I kept asking myself if I did the right thing and telling myself that I was a shitty person. I was also starting to believe it too. I also thought very seriously if I should reach out. Which, in my case, is never the answer. I became serious and lost a huge sense of self. Who was I if I wasn't desperately trying to keep mother from having another 'episode'?

When I had my first appointment I didn't know where to start. I was nervous at the beginning and left feeling optimistic towards the end. In just 5 weeks I've had some honest and tough conversations which in turn, has made me reflect and see myself totally bare. I've had to make myself accountable but also understand that I was not in a good place to begin with.

Roxane Gay once said that (and I'm paraphrasing here) you can't dump all your shit onto your friends. They're going through things too. You need a therapist. Someone to just vent to and won't take it personally. Again, I can't recall the exact quote but that stuck with me. It was in Ch. 2 of Bad Feminist. Look it up.

There is such a stigma about mental health and therapy. Not to mention Life Coaches. But seriously - the process, at least for me, has been amazing. It also really sucks. I'm so glad I made the choice to do it. By seeking the right kind of help I am directly loving not just myself, but the people around me more. I am finding myself again and becoming the person I thought I could find by being strong enough. It's funny how a little change in mindset can free up a huge amount space in the big picture.