Coronavirus: Or, How I Learned to Stop Panicking and Love the Virus

Why is the toilet paper always the first thing to go when these things happen? Seriously, how much TP does one need, exactly? It makes us wish we would have bought a whole bunch of it before now. We'd make a killing.

So, how did it all happen in the first place? How did we get here? From what we've been told, it came from China. When? We can't say. We don't watch the news, and for good reason: did we mention yet that there is a nationwide shortage of toilet paper over this crap?

The news has its own reasons for picking and choosing what information to share with the public. We could get into all of that, but we really aren't in the mood to speculate. What we would rather do is comment on how quickly the public responds to what they are being told when something they aren't familiar with comes into view and they are told to look at it in a certain way.

We'll let you decide how to deal with being told what to fear, but, why is it that when something like this happens, people actually take the media at their word? When are we gonna stop falling for it, people?

There's a reason all the toilet paper is gone: people actually believe that this virus is so deadly, that we have to barricade ourselves in our homes from each other. We aren't ignoring the plus 300,000 lives lost because of this thing, but, before you dismiss us for being crass, aren't you ignoring something else? How about the 337 people that die in fires everyday? Or the 1,418 people that die of the flu (not coronavirus) everyday? Or the thousands that die in car accidents...every day? We're betting you didn't know of these statistics before now. You know why? BECAUSE THE NEWS ISN'T REPORTING IT.

Now, listen, this isn't to say that there is some big conspiracy theory and that this whole thing is a hoax. Again, we'll leave that for you to decide. What we're suggesting is that maybe these people don't have our best interests in mind when they decide to deliver the situation in the way they deliver it to the public. We think it's very telling that the public has responded by fear shopping for essentials so HARD that it looks like the day after Thanksgiving in the beginning of Spring. Or that schools are closing down for weeks on end. Hell, even friggin' E3 got canceled, dude. That's literally never happened in the history of gaming. What does this tell you? It tells us that they want everyone to be afraid of this thing, whatever it is. And it's working. Boy, is it working.

We wish George Carlin could see this. He would get a kick out of it. The late comedian always used to say something like, and we quote, "When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat." God, we miss you, George. But when you look at it this way, the way he saw it, you'll see that as much as they want you to be afraid right now, you don't have to be.

If we look at the world the same way good ole George did, this whole thing could be very educational and entertaining...instead of terrifying and feeling like it's the end of it all. If you're fascinated with human behavior like we are, you probably already know where we're going with this.

You don't have to be afraid. You don't have to react in any way but the way you need to react. Don't be like the millions of people freaking out right now, stocking up on their precious TP. Be part of the other crowd, the part that looks in mild amusement and wonder at their fellow man and how easy it is to get them to do whatever you want them to do if it means looking out for their best interest.

This virus kills people. That is true. But name one person you know personally who has died from it. We'll wait. (And if you really do know someone that has died from it, we are terribly sorry and have no excuse other than we weren't popular enough in high school and have desperate need to be validated as a result)

Hell, how many people in your life have actually caught it? Odds are, none? It's way too early to tell just how this thing will affect the population on the whole, but, it's early enough to get a kick out of the reactions to it. And hell, maybe if we find the humor in it all, we won't have to panic. Maybe we'll see that there's nothing to really panic about. Well...maybe if they send all of the people who work at the toilet paper factories home because they got sick from the virus. That happens and it will be the Walking Dead around here, real soon. Then, you can panic.