Anti social behavior within a relationship

Anti social behavior in relationships

Domestic anger problems

It is easy to understand why there is public anger if a man physically lashes out in a temper and causes physical damage. ( it is not confined to only male heterosexuals but they are the ones most complained about.) These acts are described as “loosing their temper” and this is universally held to be wrong, even under provocation. “Temper” in this situation is defined as an eruption of negative emotion, one that eludes self control.

There should also be the same level of public recognition and condemnation of the harm done, when anyone lashes out verbally, especially when in a temper. Heaping abuse and derision, the deliberate destruction of the others self esteem and confidence, vented on the object of their anger (who may not even be the one causing that anger.) The harm and pain these verbal onslaughts can do, may last much longer than a physical wound. In the calm of sobriety, both may realise that the vicious accusations were false, untrue and not deserved but the damage has been done. Even the victim, who knows the accusations are untrue, will still be left with mental scars, simply because the idea that the other person could have “thought” this about them, is damaging. In fact the perpetrator in these situations is not thinking, that is a large part of the problem.

In many cases of both physical and verbal assault, the perpetrator and probably the victim, have been drinking alcohol- or using illegal drugs- In many cases when sober, the perpetrator can not remember the event and in cases of vicious verbal destruction of another persons well-being; can not understand why they are subject to criticism or even why their victim is subdued and less than effusive in their feelings towards them.

In cases of physical assault there is usually ”evidence” which may or may not, cause the perpetrator to be remorseful but in the verbal assaults they can simply dismiss it as the other person being over sensitive. Such dismissal may be a self preservation ploy, the mind refusing to accept they could be so “bad” and so not allowing a diminution of their own self esteem.

Unfortunately among the older members of society the dreaded dementia issues affect these situations, Alzheimer is one such dementia “condition” where the sufferer is subject to mood swings and burst of violent bad temper and yet later can not remember the incident at all.

How can the victim reduce the ill effects of verbal assault? Many “new age” advocates will talk about karma, they will say you need to rise above and focus on your inner truth. They will tell you to walk away from anything and anyone who causes such negativity. It is as easy to say this but much harder to do it; especially if the perpetrator is “family” or remorseful when sober or in calmer period. Like all things to do with humans, the advice may work for some. Humans are as diverse, in their mental and ethereal make up, as they are in their physical appearance. It is very rare to find two exactly alike. In some ways this is what makes resolution of social differences difficult. What one sees as a resolution is not accepted by another.

If you are on the receiving end of such an attack, the biggest thing to realise is that you have a right to self preservation. Your need to recognise and rebut any false accusations is both legitimate and necessary. Whether you do this in public, in conversation with your attacker, or just within your own mind; will depend on the circumstances, your personality and your relationship with your attacker. It may also depend on the mental health of your attacker. Demanding your assailant “take on board” a rebuttal may worsen the mental state of the perpetrator, especially if they are not aware of their attack, once sober and calm. Finding ways in which to bolster your self belief, your own self worth, is both legitimate and necessary. You can not help others, however self sacrificing you are; if your self belief is destroyed.

Humans are a strange mixture of strength and fragility, of power and weakness, of resilience and fear. The important thing is to realise this mixture exists in yourself as well as in others. The roles of victim and perpetrator are interchangeable. In most “domestic” situations, but not all, they are constantly changing both in levels of intensity and in which person is playing which role. Recognising this can help, also staying sober helps but only if both parties do this.