Angharad

1. Angharad’s default setting was Seething Resentment. It had taken her years to cultivate this particular emotional state and now it was set firm in the very lines of her face. This mode was occasionally supplanted by a more active and conscious mode of Bitter Disappointment when her thoughts would focus in forensic detail on the years wasted on her silent husband and ungrateful children.

The Bitter Disappointment mostly activated during breakfast. She awoke before everyone else to spend some time alone. As her coffee brewed and bread toasted so her thoughts spiralled and tripped over each other, desperate to be the first to blur her sight with the tears of a frustrated life. As the other denizens of the house emerged into the kitchen to interrupt her lonely life survey, these thoughts were chased away by the demands of the day. It was then that Seething Resentment became her soundtrack, muted but definitely there, even if she was largely unaware. She steeled herself.

How had she got to this place? By ignoring the alarm bells over the years; failing health, loss of self. The bloom and dew erased from the young girl she was, the soft fecund hope of young motherhood, through the unending demands of the middle years and limping out the other side, past the menopause. Now she was a husk of who she once was; desiccated by anger, worry, loss… She had not known she was in danger of being transformed into this half-living thing by years of unchecked emotional arousals. Had she known, she would have done something about it – seen someone. But it was too late, something inside was now so fossilized by rage that she did not have long left.

Her mobile pinged. A text message: Dear Mrs Hughes, Please make an appointment to see you GP to discuss your test results as soon as possible.

2. Angharad's demeanour was Satisfied Fulfilment. It had taken her many years to carefully habituate this emotional state and now it was affixed in the beautiful smile she bestowed upon those who knew her. This mode was occasionally supplanted by a more active and conscious mode of Beatific Gratitude when she would consciously count her blessings and practice adoring her many friends and close-knit family.

The Beatific Gratitude mostly activated during breakfast. She awoke before everyone else to spend some time alone. As her coffee brewed and bread toasted so she practiced her positive thoughts and letting go of the small things; the minor irritations that could trip her up if they remained in the corner of her mind. Better out than in, she thought. As her fellow life travellers joined her in the warm heart of the home she pressed pause on her inner monologue to fully attend to the faces and words of her husband and children. It was then that she was careful to embody Satisfied Fulfilment as a comforter for her day, as a way of being that enabled her to remain in a state of letting go. Don't sweat the small stuff, she thought.

How had she become so emotionally stable? By remaining vigilant to the dangers of emotional arousal, the damage that anger and resentment can do to relationships and to self. She felt no loss of the bloom and dew of the young girl she was, the soft fecund hope of young motherhood was retained in her relationship with her now grown children, strength and wisdom gained through the stretch and challenge of the middle years and emerging through the chrysalis of the menopause into a well-respected and loved matriarch. Now she a bigger person than she ever was; nurtured in love, family, and attention to a healthy mental state… She had known there was a danger in living an unexamined life. So she did something about it early on, before negativity became habitualised. The tiny ember of rage she carried that had the potential to consume her was kept in check, tended with kindness but disallowed from growing into something large and destructive.

Her mobile pinged. A text message: Dear Mrs Hughes, Your recent test results are all clear - no further action required.