A Tired Sunday: Trying to Navigate the Depths of Solitude and Deferred Desires

November 12, 2023 – 11:24 am

Yes, it is correct. Today, melancholy oozes through my veins, and it's Sunday - a day for rest and introspection. I shouldn't be glued to this frigid computer screen, but life gave me a business day robbed by the merciless hands of the internet outage that lasted from Wednesday afternoon to Thursday afternoon. As my family embarks on a spiritual pilgrimage, I find myself abandoned by my family and attached to the cyber world.

I had no intention of attending the assembly; it was not on my schedule. The responsibility is on my quiet phone, which was turned off carelessly, allowing me to miss the alarm that would have summoned me to the Canada meetings. Now I'm left to ponder the inexorable fact of my present amid the empty echoes of my loneliness.

Today's fatigue grips me with an unexpected ferocity. I found the fortitude to help my mother last night, seasoning chicken and responding to the aftereffects of a long day's work. Despite my exhaustion, I immersed myself in housework, knowing she was more tired than I was. But the lethargy lingers today, like a heavy shawl wrapped over my shoulders, stifling any remaining energy.

My day would be different in a parallel universe where I have control. I would get up and revitalize my living area, replenishing the shelves, changing the mats, and restoring order to the bathroom and kitchen - a therapeutic ritual to reclaim some control over my disjointed life.

The perfume of chicken roasting in the oven would fill my home, a pleasant scent that would temporarily lift my spirits. I'd go outside, maybe to Progressive, and find refuge among the aisles loaded with snacks, water, and wine. A momentary reprieve from the humdrum world that confines me.

Pizza and wings, two simple pleasures, would make an appearance in my solo feast. Water, a mundane necessity, would be a luxury to wash away life's stains, both literal and metaphorical. My phones, my only companions, would be by my side, providing a semblance of connection to a world from which I frequently desire to leave.

I would revel in the escapism of movies or immerse myself in the humorous refuge of Schitt's Creek until the peaceful embrace of sleep beckoned me. Today, I crave a lot of food as a momentary distraction from the emptiness within.

As I ponder these goals, it seems to me that the desire to possess a home is not only a romantic fantasy. It is a commitment, a hard responsibility that demands constant vigilance. This is in stark contrast to my current condition of inertia, in which a strategic business plan remains elusive and lethargy clings to me like an impenetrable blanket.

Depression, my unpleasant friend, has taught me to take comfort in the heaviness of existence, to look forward to days when the heaviness of existence provides me reprieve from the obligations of business and the constant sensation of lack. Even in the serenity of sleep, an escape beckons, a respite from the harsh realities that tower over my existence like foreboding shadows.

The year has pushed me to the point of surrender, a chronicle of unmet aspirations and postponed goals. I crave a plethora of stuff not out of avarice, but out of a profound yearning to miss things, to cherish the void that comes with absence. In a world where outings are a rare luxury and work fails to provide an escape, ownership becomes a way for me to feel a feeling of longing, a sentiment I can afford.

Nonetheless, the exhaustion has reached a peak. I've given in to the weight of the days, abandoning my plans for the rest of the year. I no longer have the strength to beg God for help, to plead with Him for a break from the never-ending worry and tension that binds me. The prayers, a chorus of desperation, reverberate hollowly in the wide void that surrounds my life.

So I call a short ceasefire with life. The fights will recommence, and the prayers will resound, but not today. Today, I am exhausted - tired of the never-ending struggle, the never-ending cry for divine intervention. I take solace in resignation, a little reprieve from the chaos that is my reality.

In any case, whatever.

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