9 Things That Happen to People in Their Thirties

1. Your metabolism says fuck you and decides to go on strike/permanently retire until further notice.

And by further notice, I mean you further notice your teenage body go to shit. Say goodbye to the days where you could just starve yourself thin to fit into that dress you were dying to wear to an upcoming party. As a matter of fact, throw that dress away because you will never fit into it again, and having it hang in your closet will do nothing but remind you of the impossible. You can starve, work yourself out to death, count all the carbs and calories you want, bang your head against the wall, scream, cry, and the scale, which I’m convinced is out to get me, working hand in hand with my metabolism, won’t budge. At least not in the direction you would want to see it move.

2. Recovery time after drinking is tripled.

Remember those amazing college days when you could miraculously pull an all-nighter and somehow still make it to class the next day completely functioning? A simple black coffee and 30-minute treadmill run could take care of the hangover and you were as good as new. Sounds familiar but it’s been so long that I have a hard time believing that was even me anymore. These days, I go out for a drink and I’m shot for the rest of the week. Seriously, one drink is all it takes and there’s no fun involved in that drink whatsoever. It could be a glass of wine with dinner and the next morning I wake up with the worst headache, completely brain dead, and my body feels like I fell down a flight of stairs. I curse that wine for the next three days and vow to never drink again for as long as I live... Which at the time doesn’t feel like very long, I could be going at any moment.

3. Clean hair becomes a luxury.

Washing your hair becomes part of your to-do list, and you must be mentally prepared before committing yourself to such a gruesome task. Guys who think 'Sorry, I can’t tonight ... I’m washing my hair,' is just a lame excuse not to go out with you... as lame as it may be, an excuse it most certainly is not! I mean come on, the hair isn’t going to wash itself now, is it? Scheduling a time to wash your hair is a very intricate and time-sensitive situation.

Many factors are involved in the process. The weather, for example, any slight chance of rain and you can kiss your clean hair goodbye. You want to make sure any activities involving sweating, such as the gym or sex, are out of the way before you could even consider starting the process. I find it best to have a three-hour block of time.

The first hour includes a nice hot shower where you shampoo two to three times and follow with conditioner, which you leave on for 15 minutes before rinsing. The second hour is for putting all necessary hair products into your hair, brushing, and air drying to the right degree of dry so that styling is a snap. The third hour is for blowing out the hair with a round brush until it’s straight and smooth, followed by curling it into soft waves with a curling iron and possibly adding a couple of hot rollers for the bangs to lay correctly. Who am I kidding, blow bar anyone? You’re in and out in one hour, tops.

4. You'd rather hang with Fido than anybody else.

Sure it’s great being around people... Okay, who am I kidding? People really suck! And we get to see them more than enough ....at work, in traffic, at the grocery store, the gym... freakin everywhere, in your face and all up in your bubble. People are fucking annoying as hell, the less I have to see them the more aligned my chakras are. My dog, on the other hand, he’s simply the best—always in a good mood, never nosy (unless it has to do with what’s in the shopping bag) and always emits good energy all around! Partying all night long and coming home at sunrise seems like decades ago, oh wait, it was decades ago. Jesus, I’m ancient. Ancient or not, at least my dog thinks I’m perfect. And that is why spooning my dog is my favorite pastime, I’d rather hang with him than anyone else!

5. You have a favorite supermarket.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there is a difference between Ralph’s and Trader Joe’s! Once you’ve hit your thirties, you realize what that difference is and choose your favorite accordingly. Happy shopping!

6. You need new knees/ankles/liver.

Sometimes I wish my body came with a warranty, I mean what am I supposed to do with knees that lock up every time I try to take the stairs? They’re useless. And my ankles aren’t any better, they could use a bit of WD40, and by a bit, I mean the whole damn bottle. And my liver?... Lost cause. May eventually need to borrow a sliver of yours, it regenerates ya know.... not like you need the whole damn thing anyway. Besides, sharing is caring! I’m sure my dog would give me his, further supporting my previous point!

7. Your world is contained within a five-mile radius.

There was a time when you were always out and about, didn’t matter where you were as long as you were out. Once you reach your thirties, however, you realize there is no place like home and that’s where you want to be 24/7. You prefer to eat at home, sleep at home, and even work from home. Anything that requires you to be away from home gives you chest pains... The further away from home, the deeper the chest pain. Perhaps because ‘home is where the heart is?’

As a result, you build your life within a five-mile radius and rarely venture out from that box. Live in West Hollywood and dating someone that lives in Malibu? Good one, I'm actually laughing out loud!

Forget dating long distance for a minute. Is your dentist in Torrance? Your ugly ass teeth make sense now! You haven’t seen him since you were in your twenties, the times when your mom still made your appointments. It’s all about that five-mile radius! Luckily for all you LA/BH/West Hollywood residents, I happen to know of a great dentist within our five-mile radius.... as a matter of fact he’s so good I’d even drive to Torrance to see him! The Smile Perfector himself, Dr. David Shouhed, is conveniently located at 6200 Wilshire Blvd. #1709, Los Angeles, CA 90048 and unlike that son of a bitch in Torrance, will actually give you that perfect smile you’ve always dreamed of. Have your mom call (323)639-4243 and make you an appointment today!

8. Your patience is slim to none.

If you were once able to bite your tongue, keep your mouth shut, sit in traffic, shoot the shit, or sit through a meeting with a full bladder... those days are long gone. You are in your thirties now. No filter, no plug, no patience, no fucks to give, and sadly, not the best bladder control!

I’ve hardly written eight things that happen in your thirties and already even I am out of patience. Which is why I will have to continue the rest in a subsequent post, when I feel like writing some more. Not like anyone in their thirties will fucking read it anyway since...

9. You don't read.

Why read when there is audible? No need to strain your eyes any further than you have to, especially when there’s an app that will actually read to you.