2020 Changed Everything

It seems as though it was only yesterday that I was a mere child, desperately waiting for the day to come when I would be recognized as an adult. I wanted so badly to be seen as someone who had it all figured it, I wanted to know who I was and be able to state so with certainty whenever someone inquired.

More than anything, I wanted to prove to myself that I was stronger than those who once made it feel impossible to grow from the rotten soil I was planted in.

Now here I sit, in December of 2020. My favorite doctor told me back on June 12th that I would be lucky to live to see my birthday, August 19th, and I smiled at the realization that I have both surprised and thrilled myself and everyone around me to have survived such a rough year.

2020 not only taught me that life is incredibly painful, but it’s also the year that taught me that that pain is a necessity in order to achieve real growth. There is no need to advance in life when you are comfortable within your surroundings.

I very recently was told that I will likely need to undergo more chemotherapy in the future, but at this point in time the cancer that dominated me and shrunk me both in spirit and in body was kept at bay. A moment ago I smiled for the first time in months- this was such an important milestone for someone such as I who has ached, and bled, and suffered.

All I have wanted during this long, uncertain year was to survive long enough to someday be recognized as an entity who had things to say and do- things that would benefit far more people than I.


I know that I am someone who tips food handlers and assists businesses who are strapped for young blood to keep the wheels turning. I know that I am someone who supports other hardworking independent contractors- from sex workers to authors. I feel so much pride in my heart for each of my friends and fans who have overcome every day of this rotten and challenging year.

I know that I am someone who will sneak away from my loved ones to secretly undergo chemotherapy all by myself so as to not stress out my primary significant other. He was battling the first of many painful battles he would soon face in his own struggle to learn self acceptance. As much as I wanted to be there for him every step of the way, he values his alone time more than most and in fact didn’t even notice my beginning treatment. I felt a bit forgotten, but when I looked at him he smiled at me, and I knew that we could still build a life off of that.

I know that I am grateful to this man- for I am in love with someone who has taught me the importance of straying from codependency. I have found that there is so much more out there than devote dedication to one other being. As a submissive Little, this was a hard truth for me to accept at first. I’m grateful that he taught me all that he has.

I know that I am a workaholic as well as someone who has grown weary from forcing work into my life at far too early of an age.. but working is all that I’ve known for as long as I can remember and I never want it to be any other way.

I know that it would have been most wise of me to have stopped working during treatment- everyone told me to. From my doctors to my friends, everyone insisted that I would be better if I halted all aspects of my life.. but despite spending my formative years intentionally self destructing, I was no longer willing to waste what remained of my life.

It’s a terrifying thing to come to a point in your life where you can practically see death lurking on your doorstep. You begin to gauge time by the day and not make any long-term plans or goals because you don’t believe you’ll live to see next month.

But I am lucky enough to be taking breath after breath today. Maybe, just maybe, that is enough.

I often wonder who I am in the eyes of someone who perceives me but doesn’t know me.

Here’s to hoping that through this unique community I can learn the answer to my question.