The Garden Room

It was late January 2021 I was on my 44th week of lockdown and the house – even though I say so myself – was looking immaculate. Every little job that had needed doing had been done, even down to the wobbly loo roll holder in the downstairs toilet. I was feeling quite proud of myself.

My wife Lynn and I were having a nice cup of tea in the dining room extension. We sat looking at the rain lashing down on the decking outside when Lynn broke the silence.

“We could have been sat out on the decking now.”

I looked at her, wondering what was going through her mind. She hated me being idle. She could cope with me if I was busy and didn’t get under her feet. “We could have been if we were ducks.” I replied with more than a hint of sarcasm.

She put her elbows on her knees and her chins on her hands and I knew straight away I was in trouble.

“We should put a canopy over the decking.” She said

“Canopy?, what sort of canopy? I thought I was having a break from work.”

“Oh it won’t take you long, you’re so good. It’ll be up in a couple of days, then it won’t matter if it rains. We could still be sat outside but be under cover instead. It would just be an extension to the garden.

That was it, I knew that nothing would ever shift the thought from her mind, I had been well and truly drawn in and spit out with ease. And that dear reader was how it all began, from just a simple conversation came a full-blown project. I put my coat on and went out into the easing rain armed with a tape measure, a pencil, a rubber, and a blank pad.

Less than twenty minutes later and slightly damp, I re-entered the house with all the measurements required to erect a three and a half metre by six meter canopy. Now all I needed was the working list and material price.

So it was straight on to the computer, the same computer I should have been sat at leisurely writing a story for this week’s competition in Vocal. But that was never going to happen while my dearly beloved had other ideas in her head. So, like the whimpering husband I had now become since lockdown – I got stuck into sourcing the materials.

Well, the supports were simple enough, 6 x 100mm x 3meter posts would do fine. Then six 100mm square bolt-down metal shoes to hold them. Next, I had to source six-meter lengths of 100 x 50 timber. I soon found that and ordered enough for the roof structure.

It was all going spiffingly well. The timber was all ordered and would be with me in 4 days. This project was going to be a doddle, and to be honest, I was secretly looking forward to it, but I would never admit that to Lynn of course.

Now I had to turn my mind to the roof itself. There were several ways of doing it. I didn’t want to make it solid as that would involve building regulations. I certainly didn’t want that UPVC corrugated stuff, the noise when it rained was deafening. So I eventually opted for the polycarbonate twin wall sheets. After searching for an hour I finally found the company I wanted to deal with and the price I wanted to pay.

And that was it, as simple as ABC, everything ordered and all delivered within a week.

Fortunately, the weather in February wasn’t too bad, when I say wasn’t too bad what I meant was, that there wasn’t much rain to contend with. Once the posts were erected and upright the job was quite simple. I just made sure my joists lined up with the roof sheet supports.

The whole job was done in less than a week. We sat under the new roof during a quite heavy rainstorm which came from the East. We were as dry as a bone and I had made all my wife’s dreams come true for less than £800.

We sat there quite nicely enjoying the inclement weather when something caught my eye. There was rain blowing in from the left of us. The decking was quite wet. I looked at Lynn and before I realised what I was saying, the words had left my lips.

“I’m going to have to do something about that.”

“What?” she asked.

This is where I could have got away with it, she hadn’t been listening properly. There was no need for me to have said any more. But no. I go blundering in like a headless chicken.

“I’m going to have to lower that one side. All the rain comes that way, we are forever going to get wet in the rainy season.

“Oh.” She replied matter-of-factly, “I hadn’t really noticed. Good job you did though, what are we going to do about it.

It was about this time that I felt my tongue in the grip of my teeth. When the good lady says ‘we’, she actually means the ‘Royal we’. This translates eventually to ‘you’. Why on earth she just doesn’t say exactly that I have no idea. She’ll get out of bed in the morning and say, “I think we’ll cut the hedges today.” She has absolutely no idea where the hedge trimmer is kept.

Then it was back to the drawing board, what could I use to effectively lower the sides to stop the rain. I did a quick search on the site where I’d found the roofing sheets but to no avail. I was flitting from one site to another when a picture popped up.

It was white UPVC cladding and came in 300mm widths and up to 5 metres long. It was perfect for what I needed. They weren’t very expensive either. We already had a six-foot-high fence on that side so I decided to clad the whole side of the building. This would guarantee a dry sitting.

Four days later it arrived. I was very enthusiastic and finished the wall easily within a day.

A few days later and we were enjoying a drink in our new outdoor space. Once again the heavens opened up. But we weren’t bothered. I had effectively sealed all the one side and we were as snug as bugs in a rug. Then suddenly, the wind changed direction and the rain was coming from the South. We got very wet when it blew in. We needed some sort of protection from the elements, so it was back online.

I found some clear plastic curtains specially designed to allow you to see into your garden and yet keep the weather out. They were perfect, and the cost was a mere £80, well worth the outlay to keep the wife dry. On closer inspection, I realised that I would have to lower the existing front and other side to accommodate the newfound curtains. No problem – if I ordered more timber and more cladding.

A week later I had basically reduced the once nine-foot-high openings to six-foot-high openings. But we had to wait another three weeks for the arrival of the plastic curtains. When they eventually arrived they were so poorly packed that they were more wrinkled than Nora Batty’s stockings (don’t ask). So I had to stretch them out in our dining room for a couple of days until at least some of the wrinkles dropped out. She who must be obeyed was not too pleased to have plastic draped all over her dining table.

Eventually. The wrinkles dropped out and they were fit to hang. Now the thing to remember is that these plastic curtains were only ever temporary. Designed to keep the wind and rain at bay. But I wish I had sat down and thought about it as I proudly hung those drapes. With the first rain from the south came a torrent -nay river- running through the new building. The rain hit the plastic causing a flood. It had nowhere else to go. Had I hung the curtains on the other side I could have prevented this from happening.

To add insult to injury, the eyelets, which were designed never to move, were left hanging on the timber posts as the first high winds struck. By this time I was getting desperate. I was constantly searching for alternative ways to seal us from the wind and rain.

Then one day, I was sat there surrounded by flapping torn remnants of clear plastic and as frustrated as a mouse in a humane trap when it hit me. I had a vision where I could see French doors, windows, and a back door. Within hours I had ordered a load more cladding and fixings. Then, after careful measuring, I ordered French doors, a large picture window, a smaller side window and a back door and frame. All in UPVC and all in white.

A few days later I began the task of closing everything in. I started by cladding the exterior walls and the large posts, being careful to leave the right size openings for the doors and windows which I had ordered from an online company. Less than a week later I was ready for the frames – which weren’t arriving for another five weeks. I used what was left of the plastic curtains and covered the remaining holes where doors and windows would eventually be.

That was it, we were safe from the elements at long last.

Then the cold weather arrived! It would be sleet, snow, and torrential rain for most of the month. The canopy had become an abandoned project. I looked through the patio window at ghostly balls of tumbleweed blowing through. At least it was a safe haven for every slug and snail in the garden, and it was still possible to work beneath the canopy – if you were a sadist.

But what to do in that four-week wait.

When I ordered some sheet materials for the Repair shop way back last October they came on a dirt great wooden pallet which was worth more than the materials it was carrying, but one of the strange idiosyncrasies of the British way of life seems to be that whatever is dropped on your drive belongs to you. I mean, how much could they knock off the price if these companies were forced to recycle the hundreds of thousands of wooden pallets that they literally ‘dump’ on unsuspecting customers every year. We obviously pay for them – indirectly – so why not reduce the cost of the purchase and take their pallets back?

Anyway, I digress (nowt wrong with a good whinge thee knows) what I am trying to say is that for almost six months Lynn has been eyeing this pallet up. It’s actually eight feet by four feet, but that doesn’t faze my dear wife, oh no, in her mind it can be used to make outdoor furniture, planters, sanded down for various other jobs, etc etc etc. Have any of my readers actually ever tried to dismantle one of these things without splitting the planks, trapping fingers, or getting a handful of splinters, you have more chance of re-floating the Titanic!

But Mrs Harvey in her infinite wisdom looks at this lump of wood and it miraculously transforms into a Bar before her very eyes, she even told me how to cut it so I had a front and two sides! She is watching far too many of these afternoon DIY programmes. I look at it and see an out-of-shape twisted item which is only good for firewood. But she insists that I use it to construct a Bar for the Garden room, so I have struggled most of the day just to get the monstrosity square in order to hide it with proper wood, I need another day just to finish it, beam me up Scotty.

As I said, she insisted that we recycle this enormous pallet to form a sort of shell, that thing has caused me so many problems. Anyway, I was sat there with the love of my life having lunch yesterday when I glanced through the patio windows at the almost completed bar.

I kid you not – it looked enormous! I had visions of Lynn having to climb a set of steps just to get served, I knew all along that there was something wrong with it, and that it seemed out of proportion, but that one glance confirmed it, I had asked Lynn how tall she wanted it, she actually marked it out on the wall, I remember looking and thinking ‘that looks a bit tall’, The upshot was that after lunch I went back outside and sawed a further twelve inches off the offending article, I stood back and it looked a lot better and more in keeping to the situation. After a couple of coats of paint, it was finished at last.

Because of my love of music, we called it Lyrics after LYnn and eRIC of course. But I never want to see another pallet in my life.

One day in Mid-April the sun came out and my windows and doors arrived. I was in seventh heaven (is there any such place?) and rushed outside to greet the delivery driver, who remained in his cab and who seemed to think that I was being sarcastic. I gave up on the cordial greeting and went back inside to the warmth of the lounge.

We’d had a call from the company on that Friday giving us a rough time of between 4.00 pm and 6.00 pm so that was fine. What they failed to tell us was that they were sending the most miserable git they could find to deliver them.

We watched him from the comfort of our lounge as he got his more than ample frame out of the cab of the large white van, (Had we come across the original neanderthal white van man?). The poor sod struggled to pull the blind up on the rear. He eventually disappeared into the back, I went around the side of the house to unlock the side gate, and I waited and waited and waited. What you should know at this stage is that when our side gate is open you are virtually stood in a wind tunnel, the wind that day was very cold, so after watching the van swaying from side to side (no dear reader, it wasn’t the wind, just the chaps weight) I thought I would retreat to the comfort of my lounge once more.

Sure enough, as soon as I got there the chap came out of the back carrying the smallest window. I went out to him as he handed me the window and the following conversation took place.

Him, Where do you want this?

Me. Yes good afternoon (sarcastically) could you put it just through the gate

please. I’m surprised they haven’t sent someone with you. I have been

self-isolating for over 12 months.

Him. (sarcastically) This is supposed to be a kerbside delivery!

Me. I wasn’t told that, what exactly constitutes a kerbside delivery? Does this mean that you are going to remove my goods and dump them in the kerb?

Him. It means that I am not allowed on your property, but I am going to need a lift with the French doors, they’re really heavy.

Me. Who helped you lift them on?

Him. A chap at the depot

Me. Then you had better get him here, I am not insured to get in the back of your van!

Him. (sarcastically) Did you not read the paperwork? It said kerbside delivery.

He shoved the frame he was holding towards me and I caught a whiff of fish and chips, cigarettes, and body odour. I resisted asking him if he would like a shower while he was waiting. So I had to carry everything from the van to the side of the house as he - the Eddie Large lookalike handed them to me. Even then he was sweating profusely, then it came to the French windows. We finally agreed that if I helped him get them off the van then he would help me carry them to the side of the house. He grunted like a pig, struggling as I picked up one end with ease and we carried the frame to its place.

Him. That’s it, you should have everything.

Me. It is normal for me to tip a delivery man at least a tenner.

This is where his little red chubby face lit up in expectation and he grinned for the first time since he arrived.

Me. But of course, since I have done most of the work I think I’ll keep it myself.

I smugly shut the gate with the word b------d ringing in my ears, and me feeling a bit like Victor Meldrew. Within minutes all my clothes were in the wash bin and I was in the shower thinking to myself - no wonder this country is going to the dogs!

Fortunately for me, the windows and doors fitted perfectly. I wasn’t particularly looking forward to meeting that driver again. One week later we were sat in our new Garden Room wondering why we had never done this before. But it was so cold. The wind – with nowhere else to go was now blowing up through the floor gaps in the decking. Straight down to B&Q and bought some new floating floor to fix on top. I used a damp-proof membrane, then a damp excluder, and the panels on top. At last, our room was finished, or was it?

We were relaxing when the sun suddenly burst out and almost blinded us through the windows. Back on the internet and three days later the blinds were delivered

The only problem with the new blinds was the size. When I had designed the windows I should have thought about the size of the blinds. But fortunately. Lynn had just purchased a brand-new pair of scissors for her wallpapering fetish, and I knew where she had hidden them. With a mini hacksaw, tape measure, and that pair of scissors I soon managed to trim the blinds down to the correct size.

By the time she returned I had trimmed and installed the four blinds. Lynn was overjoyed.

We were sat in the completed garden room having a cup of tea when the heavens opened up and the rain beat down onto the roof.

Lynn sat staring outside and I couldn’t believe my ears when she said,

“We could be sat outside now you know.”