Who Am I Today?

Does anyone else have different personalities that differ from week to week or month to month? One week I am this outgoing, confident, social butterfly that thinks god damn I am hot. I can go out have a few drinks, go and visit friends, see the extended family, go out and get my nails done, bathe and shave my entire body, self-tan, practice my skincare, go shopping for new clothes and makeup, and just do all the vain shit I love to do. I am slightly selfish at this stage. I like to be alone and in my head, it’s all bout me. When I start to feel guilty for not doing things for and with the kids I tell myself I need this. I buy them things all year round.

When I am working in this stage I am outgoing, I speak up, I take on different jobs, I want to learn more, I enjoy meeting people for lunch, I shout out good ideas, I dress very nice, and I take care of myself and my belongings, I watch what I am eating, I give everyone around me good advice. I am that Boss Bitch. I listen to self-help books and enjoy them.

Next week I will be at home, hiding from the mailman, keeping all the curtains closed, not answering my phone or door, in panic mode over the money I just spent, not reaching out to family or friends, staying in my house watching tv and binge eating, taking naps throughout the day, not cleaning my house, doing dishes or laundry, not taking bath’s, not washing my face, or brushing teeth properly. Wallowing in my own filth, pity party, poor me, aww, what a world-type mindset. I make the kids eat microwave food and cereal because I can’t be bothered to cook, we will bath twice this week unless they get into a mess, I will have them stay in their rooms or ask them to stay quiet while near me, all lights will stay off except maybe one, we stay home but I will take them out to play, but I will be so disengaged. I hate that I get like this especially because I think my kids are affected.

When I am working I hate it. I want to leave early and will contemplate scenarios in my head to try to leave for the day or not come in the next day. My brain is foggy, I won’t contribute any extra to anything at work, I only speak when someone speaks to me first, I cower in my cubicle or up in my quade depending on where I am working at the time, I eat junk food, drink soda, I don’t care if they fire me or not. I will most likely call off or leave early. I dress like a scum bum, I don’t fix my hair or do my makeup. I don’t care. I cannot think, I don’t remember things that were told to me 30 minutes ago. I get frustrated easily, I think my co-workers hate me and are always talking about me. I feel like a dumbass. The intrusive thoughts are all day long. I cry, I text and call to check on my kids nonstop, my body hurts, and I give up. I am not me. I hate this part of me.

Another side of me is that Momma does it all, June Cleaver, type. I will make daily schedules for myself and the kids, I will make up routine and chore charts, and I will clean and scrub and purge. I will cook good suppers, I will plan our meals and groceries, I will do learning activities with my kids, we will go places together, I will take them shopping, and we will do movie nights and game nights, I have so much patience for them. I will pay more attention to everyone bathing every other day and making sure teeth are brushed and new PJs are on. We all will take our vitamins and I will make a workout schedule and meal prep.

The Andi I Like The Most

The Andi I like the most is a mix between the selfish Andi and the June Cleaver Andi. I love being able to take care of myself because when I do that I feel so good and that is what gives me the confidence to go out and talk to people and to take those risks at work and be eager to learn more and meet new people. When I look and feel good I do my best at work and at my home. I feel good as a mother when I take my kids out and get them something they have been wanting. I feel great when I can cook good meals for my kids and stay active with them. When I know I am showing them and guiding them on the right path. I worry so much that the different Andi’s in me will affect them. I struggle and I try so hard to not let that Pity Party Andi show her shitty face again but like clockwork, she runs her course. Yes, I am on a nice cocktail of mood stabilizers, and I try writing, and getting outside, and practicing breathing, working out, walking. It helps but she still rains on my parade.

While I am the best Andi I can be I make sure my kids know I love them so much, I write them letters often of my love for them so they have them to read someday when I am gone. I have hundreds of notebooks I have kept since maybe even high school full of thoughts and ideas and writings. I make sure that when they see me sad, with no motivation that it has nothing to do with them, and I promise that I will make it up to them if I make them feel any type of way except loved. I don’t want my kids to grow up and leave me and barely speak to me one day. I don’t want them to say yeah mom is crazy.

I don’t want my kids to be embarrassed by me but I know they are, especially in my dark weeks. They are ashamed to bring friends over, and so am I, they ask me why we can’t go here and why can’t we go there? I don’t know. I don’t want anyone to see me. I am overweight and disgusting. Both my older kids have come to me and said that they felt really bad for me today and they stood up for me, and I said wait, what why? My friend said you would be so pretty if you were as big as you are. or my friend said she didn’t know you were overweight and was shocked when they saw me. NO, YOU LITTLE BICH, I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH YOUR MOM, AND SHE SAID SOME SMART-ASS COMMENT ABOUT HOW HOT I USED TO BE, THEN CHUCKLED WHEN SHE SAID, SERVES HER RIGHT!

Yea well, she may be right. Maybe I am getting my just deserts but if she wasn’t giving boys handjobs in Chemistry class then I never would have printed off a handy pamphlet about how to give good handjobs and taped it to her locker. In my defense, she needed a little help from what I heard. Am I salty about her little comment? Yes. Do I think she needs to keep her high school loathing to herself and not talk shit to her daughter, my daughter’s peer? Fucking right you cunt. At least I am Pretty. Also, I think Your Really Pretty Too. (eyeroll) But I want to lose weight so much so it hurts. Am I disciplined, no. I stress eat, and I like junk food because that is what I was given as a kid as a comfort food. Are these excuses? Yes but that is how I think. If I can stay the Best Andi all the time I could lose weight, keep a good job, have a clean home, never have dark days, never worry if I am messing my kids up.

Getting Rid of Pity Party Andi

I don’t know how to do this. I need to take care of myself and my kids. They need me, and I want to be around for a long, long time. I want to earn my own money so I don’t have to depend on this man that I don’t want to be in a relationship with. I want to be able to make it on my own with my children. Writing is my last chance at doing something that brings me joy. That leaves me at home with the kids, that lets me feel refreshed and free, something that once I can get the proper help that could possibly let me be able to afford the life I crave so much. And I don’t crave Bently’s and Louis Vutton. I want a home that is all mine, I want a happy home where it is my kids safe place. I want to have a reliable vehicle I am proud to drive when I go to meet clients, I want to feel good about my body and how I look, I want to be healthy with a happy outlook on life.

I won’t ask for money, but I will ask you to invest in me. Believe in me and what I have to say. Help me be able to continue my dreams about being a writer, and Entrepreneur. I also will take any kind of advice you have for me. Be gentle and non judgmental.

paypal.me/SeasonsofAndi