well, it's a long story

I love my job because… well, it's sort of a long story. I do have a pretty interesting job, I'm a graphic designer, a "self-taught" one too, never went to University or any of that, but maybe I should have, maybe I could have ended up working for a innovative startup, or maybe I could be working at a BIG Tech firm, but that's not how my life went, and maybe that's a good thing. I started as a Photographer, a long long time ago… it feels like it's been a long time, but it's only been around 8 years or so. It was just a fun thing to do back then, my friends needed some photos, so I thought "ehh why not?", I had a Canon DSRL, a standard lens, and I'd take a picture of them here and there, usually we'd go somewhere around the downtown area. We lived near Chicago, so downtown was our meetup destination, but we wouldn't go to just take pictures, usually "taking pictures", meant "hitting on girls", I mean what else would we do at that age? But the "hitting on girls" part didn't usually work out because we'd usually make the excuse of "ohh let's just go take some picture there" and we'd end up spending a few hours doing that, maybe going over to Starbucks for a tea, and maybe, maybe, if one of us felt brave enough, we'd talk to a girl. But we're getting off track now.

So job right, why I love it? Well, like 'I said', I don't love it,but I do like it. I'm a Graphic designer, that's what I do. Right, right, where am I? "Oh, Photographer". So yeah the Photographer thing, it kind of unfolded from taking photos of friends, they didn't pay me though, and I knew that there was some possibility of making a bit of mulla (money), and I was a clever f***ing kid, I knew my way around. So I wrote up a few posts of Craigslist, they were quite shitty, but some people got back to me. One lady wanted some house photos, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing to be honest, but she trusted me, so I needed to act professional. I bought a tripod, a real thin one, the only one I could really afford at the time, legs skinny as a stick, the mount plastic and wobbly, but it worked. She wanted panoramic photos of the rooms, it was quite hard to do that with a crop frame DSLR and a standard lens, so I'd take one, two, three photos, rotating the mount each time, 'she thought that was brilliant', and it worked, I'd stitch them together afterwards, and they looked quite good. That was an easy hundred bucks.

A few days later, I had a client that wanted me to take some photos of a Restaurant somewhere in bumble fuck no where. The map showed a few hours drive, but "ehh" I needed the cash. I pumped the tank with gas, and I was off. I'd drive this old and rusting green Caravan, it wasn't a pretty car, but it had space, and it had torque. But… I had to be very careful because there was no reverse, the gear box was jammed, it could only go forwards or stay in neutral, and that was actually the only way to reverse this big boy, you'd put it in neutral, quickly step out and push back by the door frame. It was a heavy thing, two tons of metal and wheels. Anyway as I drove I passed many small towns on the way, there was one place in particular that caught my attention, it was sort of this intersection with strip malls on all four corners, not many cars passing by because it was in the middle of nowhere, there were vast empty field all around. I decided to stop at one of the four corners, went through the drive-through, grabbed a spicy chicken sandwich and some coffee. Parked facing the intersection, cranked down the windows, it felt good. The air was warm, Summer was in full swing, the empty fields beyond gave this journey a special feeling of freedom and adventure. I had some purpose ahead of me, even though it was just to take photos, I would have to drive for hours through these unknown places to get there, and that made this whole things into an adventure. I was far from home, far from everyone, on my own, with a purpose to accomplish something. As I drove further I passed a small airport, planes were whizzing by, small planes, I'd stick my head out the window and admire how close they were, you could hear "brrrrrmmmmm" as they flew down into the base, that's the only sounds besides the engine or the Caravan that you'd hear. I drove and drove, and all you'd see were these vast fields, stretching and stretching, far and wide.

Eventually I got to the town. There wasn't much there, just a Walgreens, and maybe some other smaller chain stores. It was mostly typical American houses with their mowed lawns, and empty streets. I drove for a while looking for this restaurant, my GPS took me to some empty lots, I was confused. I drove around and around, and eventually saw it. 'It wasn't a restaurant at all?', it was the Walgreens. 'But how? Do I have the right address?' I questioned myself. I messaged the guy and he confirmed the location. There were a few typical suburban folks coming in and out of the Walgreens. I took out my DSLR, posted it on the tripod, still the same old skinny one. Some folks would look over, but I had no care for them, I was on a mission, an adventurous mission. AndI was getting paid. I took a few pictures of the front, the side, and then the back. It was an easy gig. I packed my equipment, and was off again. Back on the road. I passed the same Airport, this time I decided to stay a bit and watch. I parked on the roadside, got out and took it all in. It was now around noon, the sun was coming up high, the wind was nice and cool, and "brrrmmmm", the Planes would skid across the sky right above. What peace I felt, being there alone, watching these things whiz by, not needing to entertain anyone, or worry about whether someone else wanted to do, I could just be there and admire the show above. It was time to go, time was ticking, and I had to get back to my routine, the good thing is that I got to set the routine, I got to decide what I was working on, and when.

The Photography thing didn't really last long, it was on and off. When I needed some extra money I'd find a few gigs, but I got bored with it, I didn’t want to be behind the camera anymore. I had a few regular jobs here and there, a few I liked and a few I disliked, but my mind kept on coming back to this idea of being independent, not working for someone else. It was in my childhood that I developed this mindset, I remember my brother and I would go to the Sunday market, with bags of candy, that we either stole from our Grandfather's warehouse - he had a store on wheels business - or we'd sneak into the trucks of the Sunday sellers and grab a few candy bars when they weren't looking. My passion for independence fueled me to try other creative arts. Video editing was one that I enjoyed. I started with filming myself, making short tech videos, tutorials and such, it never really got me anywhere because I kept on quitting, but I did score some gigs occasionally. One in particular was working for this crazy Ginger. He wasn't a Ginger, or maybe he was, he was Australian, but had that Viking look. I watched some of his videos on YouTube, he was a Life Coach, but his videos were real shit. 'Maybe I could help him out?' I thought to myself, and in exchange, he could do the same for me. At the time I needed help, my life was in complete chaos. I left the US a few weeks prior, now in London. I really had no clue what I was doing, I just wanted freedom, I wanted to be away from everyone and everything and start fresh.

I got a response after a few days or so. This guy seemed genuine and humble. I offered to work for free for a little while so that he could get a sense for my style of work. A few weeks went by, and I relocated to Poland - my birth country, where I spent some time getting accustomed to the Polish people and their culture. I was still a mess though. It was some time during late Spring that I got an invitation to come and work for this man. My mom told me not to, that he might be a criminal and that I will get robbed, but that was her usual response to most endeavors I planned. I packed my bags and off I went to a place called Budapest. It was a magical city, filled with creative souls, incredible architecture, and a lively culture. The next year or so I spent working day and night for this man. I remember the moment I got there, seeing him leaning over the courtyard balcony, "Hey man, what's up? Come up here". I climbed the marble steps, and up I went. It was a surreal experience, being face to face with this Viking-looking character, that I've only seen on videos, and whom I'd admired so much. Now he was standing right in-front of me.

And so a year passed, there was no normality, it was all ups and downs. One moment we were doing great, getting things done, traveling to new places and having a blast, and another moment we were down in the dumps, yelling at each other, pulling our hair out because we had no idea of what we were even doing. My life become more complicated, I accumulated more stress, my mother kept on telling me to go to University, my Viking-looking boss wanted me to work more, my girlfriend was having panic attacks, it was all too much. I quit and went back to Poland, it was a horrible year. I questioned the whole video editing career and decided that I needed something more simple. As the months passed I kept doing small gigs here and there, whether it was editing videos, doing a bit of photography, or even designing some cover images for YouTube videos. I did all I could do to 'get by', literally. I was living off of three hundred dollars a month, but like I said, 'I was a clever kid', so I could adopt easily.

A friend of mine, whom I met in Budapest, was quitting his design job and asked if I wanted to cover him. I had some doubts, but decided that 'I'd give it a try'. It was simple, "here is the design concept, here's what I'll pay ya, now do it". And I did do it. I was good at it. I put out good quality designs. My employer gave me more work, and now I was up to four hundred dollars a month. I'd treat myself to a cup of coffee, or some candy, if I knew that I was making a bit more this month. To me a cup of coffee was luxury, when I got to go to that Café, and ordered that drink, it was as exciting as a little kid opening his Christmas present. Months flew by, and so did my location of residence, I could move to new places because I was making more now. I felt better, I felt more free, I felt like the past was now behind me and I could start something new. Out of all of these experiences of the good and the bad, of the gentle and the chaotic, something was growing underneath, it just needed time to flourish.

It's September 8th, 2021. I had a good day today, I went down to Starbucks in the early of the morning, got myself a nice cup of green tea - with honey. Sat at one of those long wooden tables, wrote a bit. There weren't many people around, just two girls sitting up front on a sofa and chatting about their furniture. I wrote for a few hours, a productive start. I walk out, say goodbye to the baristas, the sun is out, it's a warm day. I think to myself, 'I'm free to do as I wish', as I head back to my place for food. On the way I record a walk and talk on my phone, been doing these pretty often now, almost every time I pass through the long park which surrounds the Old Town. There are a few people around, one lady is running, she wears all black, black tights, black shirt, black shoes, black headphones, she pays me no attention. Another, a couple, ride on their scooter giggling to one another. I'm enjoying it all. I eat, it Curry Masala again, a bit of chicken, and some bread, home-cooked of course - can’t have it any other way. Now I lay down, do a bit of meditation and fall into light sleep for a good hour. I awaken, have a bit of tea, finish up a design for a client, check that off on the to do list.

It's almost six in the evening, I get my Jiu Jitsu suit ready, time to head to training. I grab a book I've been reading Green Hills of Africa, I like this Hemingway guy, he writes good. The train eventually arrives, some girl gives me a nice smile as she passes on the other side of the street. I get on, buy my ticket and read a bit. I'm greeted by the front desk girl, she's one of the cute ones, I like her, but she's taken, I can tell. I give her my card, she gives me a key, we exchange a smile. I get ready, familiar faces enter the locker room, we all greet one another. The training starts, we partner up, learn a few new techniques. The white mats are filled with sweat, the room smells of men, there are women too, but the women usually never smell as bad. We roll for a good forty minutes, 'I'm getting better at this' I think to myself. Training ends, we say our Goodbyes. One of the fellows - he's new - spots me at the tram stop, I invite him to sit with me, we do so. We exchange a few laughs as we talk about past injuries. I get off, go home, the night is still good and warm. There are people about on the streets, probably going out for a drink. All I want to do is take a shower and eat something. The shower is warm, the soap is gentle, the towel is rough, it’s all a good combination. I drink a smoothie as reward, it's sweet, peanuty and fruity, "ahh what a good end to the day!".