We remember the good times, not the bad

I saw a TikTok recently that really spoke to me. When we are in the bad relationship, we are trying to get out. You dream about leaving in the darkness that you are in. Then you finally get out, and you think you miss him. We always think of the good times that you had. It's like you say you miss him, no you don't you just spent all that time trying to get away from him. It was what I needed to hear, for sure. Looking at pictures, I could see the good times that we had, and was forgetting all the rest. It's easier to remember the good times, I think. We don't take pictures of the bad times, right. I sort of wish that I did, then maybe it would be easier to remember them. I was forgetting all the tears I cried, when I would sleep alone as he cheated, the isolation, the abuse, the put downs. It was easier to remember the half hour that we went to the park. I spent all that time trying to escape him, and even considering that I was missing him is a crazy thing.

The thing I need to remember is that it's not him as a person that I miss. I miss whatever little companionship that I felt with him. As much as I have tried to block out the terrible things that he did to me, I can't totally forget him.

It has also been hard as he has been telling me that everything is my fault. That I caused the destruction of his life, and ruined it all. Just me, by myself. He plays with my head, so that I'm not sure what is true anymore. That has not helped with my thinking.

I need to remember that I was longing to get out. No matter what happened in the end, I need to look at the big and total picture. The total picture of my misery that he put me through, the pain that he caused to me in every way. It's very hard to do at times. Cutting him totally off, was not something I was prepared to do. Due to the fact that he is the father of my daughter. I let myself listen to him. Overall, I was trying to do the best thing for my daughter. What was best for her was that she see him being nice. Even if it was only a few times. Now I know that now he is not in the mindset to be an adult or a good person, ever.

What did I think, really? That there was even a chance that I was ever going to go back? Why would I do that? He is not the type of person that I would ever want to build a life with. The fact that I thought otherwise for even a second is crazy. He goes against everything that I would ever want to be with. He drinks every day and does drug often. Where I am the person that never even drinks. I don't want to have a life around drinking and drugs. He would never stop cheating on me. He never did anything just for me, no birthday present, no Christmas present, no Mother's Day present. Nothing, ever. That is not the type of life that I ever want to have forever. Those are the things that I need to focus on. No matter what he says. As he will never take responsibility of his own actions, and everything will always be my fault. That just isn't the real world, that's not what really happened, and I won't let that become my life.

-T