Ready to dream of another...one day

Going through my abusive relationship was a lot for me to deal with. Right after, I thought I would never even dream of someone else. Not because he was the one person for me. But because I had been through so much, the thought of dealing with another man's shit was just too much for me. I told everyone that I would never date anyone else ever again. The thought of having to date someone else seemed exhausting. All I wanted to do was to focus on myself, my daughter and building us a better life. I also wanted to do it on my own. I wanted to prove that I could build my dream life without a man. Something that he never said that I could do. My ex always said that I needed him to build a great life for myself. So I wanted to prove that I didn't need that. I had heard people say that they didn't want to date anymore as they didn't want to listen to someone else breath, or they didn't want a man to ruin their day before 8am. It just showed how I felt.

Good relationships take time and energy. That just seemed so exhausting. And I didn't have any desire to do that to me ever again. I knew that getting into a relationship, I wasn't going to be putting the energy into that to make it work. So what was the point?;

I have been healing, and doing so much work on myself. Trying to heal from all the trauma that I went through. It has been a work in progress, a lot of work. Which has been especially hard as I am not able to fully cut off my ex, given that he is the father to my daughter. I have been trying to do the right thing for her. Given that she is so young, him being around my daughter meant that I have had to talk to him and deal with him. He is a very toxic person, especially to me. He has a way of getting into my head, so I would think bad about myself. It's very hard to heal in that environment.

However, recently I have reached a new level of my healing. A space where I dream of a new relationship, a better relationship. Dreaming of the possibility of something better. It's not like I am going to start dating. The thought of dating is still an exhausting and draining thought. However, just the fact that I am opening my mind to new possibilities, I think is a good sign. I am still a long way off from even considering it actually happening. For now, just the dream is enough for me. The dream of someone good, someone better, someone right, is enough to keep me going.

I have also starting to see men as attractive again. For a while, just looking at a guy, I had no sexual desire. I would of course think some men are attractive, just like I can say that about a woman. It was never about sex at all. There was no desire for that from me. I had started to think that my libido was gone. That maybe he had put me through too much, too much trauma, especially sexually, that I had no desire to do anything like that again. Now at least I can look at a man I think is attractive and at least consider it. Again, that does not mean that I want to do it again, or at least any time soon. The fact that I can even consider it for a second, shows that I have healed a lot so far. That I think is improvement.

-T