Turning 30

I honestly never thought this day would come. I haven't quite imagined how my life would be up to this point. I guess I always figured I'd have my shit together and I would "feel" like an adult. But that is far from the reality. In fact I feel more like a child than I've ever felt before. As a kid I had tons of responsibilities and I was always on top of them. I always got my homework assignments done, I made sure my chores were always done before even being asked. I knew how to cook and do my own laundry at a young age. In high school I had a job and even paid my own phone bill and bought all my own clothes and school supplies. I was quite grown up if you ask me but now as an adult pushing 30 I've suddenly turned into a child needing their mommy to help them through this thing we all call life.

From 18-24 I was married and had 3 children, a decent income, nice house and multiple cars. Life was pretty fabulous so I wasn't afraid to turn 30 because I felt grown up but that all changed after my divorce. At 25 I was divorced, had my kids taken from me (by their father) I had no income and was living back at home with my mother and brothers. From 25 to now I've pretty much coasted by with random jobs and renting rooms from friends. My life has been mostly partying and fucking around doing whatever the hell I feel like doing. Which isn't that bad of a life if you look at your success based on fun times as opposed to what you physically have.

Now that I'm about to be 30 in just 2 weeks I've been stressing about my colorful lifestyle. I see all my friends finally settling down and getting their shit together, they're focusing on careers instead of just jobs. They're off making connections with real "adults" and starting families. Wedding planning, baby showers, and college graduations are surrounding me and I'm just here holding a margarita in my hand as I type this blog post. It's really starting to freak me out that I'm going to be 30 and my looks will probably not help me get by anymore. The younger, hotter generation is upon me and taking over my spot at the bar. I am now considered that older lady people make fun of downtown.

Somewhere deep inside me I feel like I'm missing something and I just want to pull my head out of the clouds and focus on being 30. I had a friend tell me that everything just clicked the day he turned 30 and everything was put into perspective. Apart of me doesn't want to grow up and do grown up things but then the other part of me is so ready to settle down and go back to having a husband and a dope ass career and spending time with my adult friends. But what if being an "adult" is boring, what if these 30 year old parties are lame and I don't fit in because I'm just not too grown up for them, what happens then? Do I just stick to hanging out with 20 year olds and look like a creep or am I suppose to suck it up and deal with the boring people?

I enjoy having fun and doing whatever I want whenever I want. I don't want this to change just because my age changes. I don't want to feel like I'm not allowed to party or dance or go to concerts just because I'm no longer in my 20s. I love being single and having my own space, what happens if I end up being the only one of my friends to not settle down, will they still want to hang out with me and do things together or will they distance themselves from me and choose their other "grown up" friends over me? You see how dreadful this is, turning 30 shouldn't be this big of a deal but somehow I've managed to make it a huge deal.

At this point I feel like I should just put my 30s on hold and just stay in my 20s and never leave. This way I don't have to think about these huge decisions, I can just keep doing what I'm doing and avoid the "growing up" part. Or maybe, like my friend, it'll all come to me on my 30th birthday and I'll know exactly what I'm suppose to be doing with my life and what I want. Until then I'm going to enjoy this margarita and finish my 20s off with a huge bang. Cheers!