Tomorrow is a New Day

I remember the first time I ever watched the Anne of Green Gable Series. Even as a little girl I related to Anne so much. She loved to read, she was a dreamer, and she just looked at the world from a different perspective much like myself. As I've grown older I have re-watched the series and have found that I relate to it even more as an adult. The above quote is probably one of my favorites from the books/series. Especially now with everything I am going through it reminds me that tomorrow is always a fresh start regardless of the mistakes today.

I tend to always get wrapped up in things, especially when I know that it was me that did something wrong. Like I was saying in my last post I tend to keep pushing people away, not letting them right their wrongs, and as of late continuously vocalizing what they did and holding it against them. I keep having these emotional outburst especially when I've been drinking which result in a lot of anger. I've always been a happy drinker, never one to really get angry. If anything I was the locked in the bathroom crying or something. But an event that happened two days ago still has me feeling scared, embarrassed, and questioning why I continue doing this to myself.

I think that we can all agree waking up after a night of drinking with "hangxiety" can be one of the worst feelings. It's happened to me many of times, mostly because I don't remember what happened. This time however I remembered everything and opening up my phone the next morning the text messages I sent were staring back at me. Even when I sent them I knew what I was doing, I knew it wasn't a good idea, but at this point the anger had taken over and I just didn't care. Some may questions that at some point everyone will get angry once when they are drunk. For me this felt different, and it was the words I choose to use that even now I can't bare to read them. It's fair to say that me and him have had our fair share of ups and downs so in someway I guess the anger was always there. I tend to notice this type of anger when I've been drinking rather than if I am sober and able to make more rational thoughts.

All this is to remind myself that as humans we aren't perfect, and we can only be better than we were the day before. I am not big on confrontation and so something like this sends me down the rabbit hole of thinking. But it also made me realize on an area I need to improve, to think before I act on my emotions (sober or otherwise) and do my best to be better in the future.

Finding a happier place in my life is something that I hope to achieve, and come out on the other side of this. Right now my only plan is to take things one day, one hour, or even one minute at a time. I've tried full force diving in and quitting and I get a few months in and then fall back. I'm just trying to find a balance and what works for me. Quitting anything is hard, we all have our vices. I think the one thing I've found about quitting alcohol to be so hard is because of how socially acceptable it is. It everywhere we go, in everything we see on TV, almost every family event you go to. While at the end of the day it is my choice to do something or don't, this does make it more challenging. Not to mention the friends and social circles you lose. It's all worth it in the end I know, I just wish sometimes I could snap my fingers and be on the otherside of this.