Losing my sight

It's okay to not be okay, even though it's hard to admit that you aren't. It's hard for me to look and admit just how long I truly have not been okay, and how it's destroyed not only me but so many people closest to me. As of lately my mental health seems to be continue to spiral out of control. Any good days I do have are followed by extremely bad ones, and often times me lashing out at those closest to me. As usual my drinking has gotten out of control, that's how I knew things were getting bad again. Alcohol is like a toxic relationship for me I know its not good for me but it always comes back around as if stating things will be different this time. But alas they are not, but I seem to fall for the feeling of temporary feeling numb and my racing thoughts to be shut off. Even though I know for the next at least 3 days I'll be feeling worse, and sending me further into a depression.

This is honestly the worst my depression, anxiety and mental health has ever been. It's gotten so bad that I've lost a 25 year friendship. There was obviously issues on both ends of the friendship, but I have become so far gone into this darkness that I wasn't allowing her, or anyone really to write their wrongs I just pushed them away. I was, and sometimes still am convinced that I am just better off alone. That my demons, and things I am going through are to much for people and it's better I deal with them alone. Realistically I know this is the furthest thing from the truth. We need people, but your mind is such a powerful place. I remember growing up always hearing people talk about the darkest parts of their mind. Since I've dealt with depression from such a young I thought I had seen the dark parts of my mind, but boy was I wrong. I fully understand now what people meant by that statement. The friend I spoke of earlier did say something very valuable to me though last time we spoke. She said "Life is a lot about effort trying to be better and trying to find the good." At this point I feel buried so deep that the effort required defiantly feels like too much. Then I really thought about it, and I need to be proud of any small win I have. If all I did was brush my teeth and eat that day thats both effort and something good.

We live in a society that makes us feel worthless unless we've accomplished either a bunch of tasks or something really huge. Which makes people that fight depression feel worse because it's never that we don't want to do something, we really wish we could. Some days are better than others and I get quite a bit done, those are my favorite days because I truly see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to remind myself to be proud of those days and stop talking so badly to myself. I often forget that your brain is like every other muscle in your body and the thoughts you feed it or what it believes to be true. My first goal in getting better is to be kinder to myself, and to retrain my mind so I can finally escape this prison I've locked myself in.

I am writing this as more of a journal to get my thoughts out, normally I would just use pen and paper to write things down but I felt called to post here on Vocal. If you feel how I have been, or are just having an off day or week just know you're never alone. Even when your brain tries to convince you of the worst scenarios possible just remember thoughts are just that thoughts they aren't real. Until next time everyone.