This one is controversial

Ok, I guess I have to go there. In my scrupulous attempt to acquire top story, I have seemed to come up short. Scratching my head for another potential eye-catching idea I peered over the line drawn in the sand. Who knew it'd come to the point where I had to cross it?

"What gets reads?" I pondered, causally exploring my very slim mental rolodex for some new dazzling commentary, it took 4 weeks of procrastination until a subliminal planted word popped into my head, like a blinking sign in a sketchy motel, it strobed on the steady beat. Controversy.

"Fine,” I said to myself, I submit. Although, those of you that know me know that, I make it an overwhelmingly strong point to not ruffle feathers. If someone steps on my foot I apologize, if someone reaches out to me, I say sorry for bothering them. So this whole thing is a bit unnerving as you can imagine, be that as it may, my insatiable determination to accomplish a set goal outweighs stirring the pot, (I think), and you can't half-ass crossing a line you've drawn, you're either all the way over or you're not. While I'm not sure I like it here on this side of the sandy fissure, I'm still gonna see it through. Let's see where this goes

Alright so without further adieu here are my opinions on five topics that will certainly rally the internet. I'll say this now, fair trigger warning for those faint of heart, don't scroll on, it's about to get bumpy. If there's something you don't like hash it out in the comments, ill tell you this from the jump I won't be there. Sorry, not sorry. Cept maybe sorry I don't know. Actually, no, commit right, I'm not sorry.

Side note: I've realized depending on the individual and the circumstantial topics of conversation some offense may be taken, if indeed this specificity occurs please message me, and ill tell you why i didn't mean it. Also sorry for the long intro.

Topic number one: more than two toppings on a pizza ruin it.

Yup starting off with a bang, told you I was committed. A pizza has predominantly three fundamental ingredients strategically layered to perfectly complement each other, structured in such a way they hit the pallet with a trifecta of perfectly planted flavor. Provided the first layer everything else is a topping. Bet you didn't think about that, so you already have two sauce and cheese. If you wanna get rustic throw some broccoli for crunch go ahead, mmm yummy love it. Oh, and some black olives key in on the umami flavor, alright, that's a decent pizza. And how about some onions… aghast. Sure go ahead and ruin the sanctity of culinary most well-constructed dishes, you just wanna see the world burn. That's 5 toppings, scientifically one flavor will be secluded, (it's true I looked it up you can only taste four flavors at a time, I did,I looked it up). I'll draw you to a scenario to show how serious I am about this. It was board game/maybe scary movie night, it was time to decide what the lot of us were going to eat. After twelve hours of negotiations we have returned to were we started, one large pie, please. I hesitated, for I knew the next question would take the remainder of the week, what toppings? The one-off character chimed in he’d only been my friend for 25 years so whatever. “Why don't we just do a garbage pizza.” I drew from the mood and politely inclined. “What the fuck is a garbage pizza?” “Oh, it's a pizza with everything on it… all the toppings.” I stared at him with the intensity of a thousand burning suns, I've never heard a more profoundly ludicrous statement. Take all the shit on the menu and put it on top of some other shit. Needless to say, He's been banned from my house. In closing, as is true with pizza, is true with life no need to overcomplicate things, let those small powerful ingredients shine

Ok phew so far not bad

Topic number 2: I don't like to travel

“What, how!” Is usually the response I receive, much to the chagrin of many potential online dating matches, who seem to hold this question in high regard I in fact do not like to travel. To circumnavigate the interrogation afterward I lie and simply respond with, "Oh my gosh yes I wanna travel the world someday". Im a bad person? Considering the convo never really goes beyond “what's like your favorite movie,”no harm no foul in my book. But if I were to divulge and humor Cindy from the town over who likes being spontaneous, and somehow has a handful of pictures in a field of sunflowers, (where are these sunflower fields?) id say this. I have no fucking idea. No, but really I think it comes down to the fact that I don't need much to make me happy. Everything for My perfect day is literally within a one-mile radius of my house. Again if it ever gets this far, the follow-up question usually is. Are you serious Don't you want to see the world? Don't you want to get out? Be adventurous? Listen sunflower Cindy I really don't know what to tell ya. I ate at a restaurant with a B health code sticker, I fell asleep again after shutting my alarm off for work. How much more adventurous can I get? Also, I don't think it's entirely fair to have a particular metric for pleasure, exploration, or whatever travel may bring for you. If I can attain the same level of fulfillment without a 14-hour plane ride I see that as a win. Suffice to say I will travel, just not too overly keen on it. Maybe instead of setting the preconceived standard of cultural deliverance take a page out of my book, seek something not too far off that'll bring you that same amount of joy.

Topic number 3: you're full of shit alcohol taste gross

“Mmm, what year is this?” “Do I taste a hint of chocolate, definitely has some smoky notes,” get the fuck outta here. There is no possible way you actually enjoy the taste of whiskey straight or any hard alcohol for that matter. Any strong liquor taste like a variable of household cleaner. Literally hand sanitizer on the rocks. I get it there’s an intrinsic aesthetic and classy feel to the whole thing, the glass, the ice (that needs to be spherical for some reason), the causal sips in your leather upholstered armchair while you admire your burgundy diamond patterned socks. Believe me, I get it. As of Currently, I’m using a whiskey glass to drink my seltzer, year 2023, hint of black cherry, full body nose tickles, I feel like James Bond. But please don’t kid yourself anything beyond the upper-class ambiance because all you're sipping on is heartburn juice.

The avant-garde pallet of assorted alcohol doesn't just stop at the intense stuff. Sweeping the landscape of refined Clorox, we find the hoppy brethren, the Johnny barleycorn (it’s another way to say beer I know it’s silly but I had to use it) of aqua vitae, beer. When you think about beer its inception is overall a little bit wild. How do we essentially take a loaf of bread and make it into liquid form? Better yet let's up the ante and infiltrate the already weird-ass ingredient list and pump in a copious amount of the oddest-tasting one, hops, and make an IPA. This way a young hipster and self-proclaimed philosopher of our generation can smack his lips with each sip of the 40-dollar beverage and promulgate that, “this is what real beer taste like.” 50 feet from any actively working bullshit detector sirens would be blaring. My thoughts exactly. I usually drink normal beer but prevailing thoughts would insist this really needs a deep aftertaste of fireplace. I’ll stick to my commercial beer, followed by the underwhelming adjective light. And of course, at least twelve people will ask me the same unoriginal question. “You really like that piss water?” Well considering I actually enjoy drinking at least one of the two I sincerely don’t mind.

Topic number 4: Waking up before 10 should be considered torture

I tend to hold myself in high regard (definitely, don't). I would consider myself dictated by a relentless drive, a procure of one salvageable goal (sorta) a pursuer of limitless potential and uncultivated prowess within my inner self. (sometimes, maybe) If I were to sum up the complexities of my insatiable fire to be better I would sum it up into one word, that word is motivated (tired). All you seekers of ultimate perfection like myself know the waver of self-accountability. When that plague of discontent and laziness reach my door I turn to the pioneers of determination, the relentless athletes, entrepreneurs, the influencers etc. I clamp my headphone securely around my dome and crank the volume and listen to the unquestionable words of the greatest.

“Don't stop now, you're almost there.”

Yup.

“You gave a 100% today, give a 110% tomorrow.”

That's impossible but ok.

“It's not over until you win”

Ok, now I'm fired up.

“You gotta wake up every day at 3 in the morning.”

Alright maybe relax a little bit.

The best I can do is stay up until 3 I don't know what to tell you. After unrelenting research conducted on the basis of my own sleep patterns, I can confidently say I am not a morning person. For the sake of conversation I'm going to exclude waking up early for stupid poopy work or school, this is purely structured on free time. Surely I see maybe a little intrinsic benefit to waking up early to get stuff done, the charismatic lifestyle guru, or self-made millionaire will say I get up at 5, take a sun bath, hop in a lake, or some shit, then hum into a mirror or whatever. First thing, you're all happy. Second, what time do you go to bed? Hmmm? If I am productive for the same amount of hours why the fuck does it matter when I wake up. In order to not drone on and make this section longer than it already is, I'll give you the one and only reason I have for not being an early riser. And this I truly believe. Every and any part of a fulfilling and productive day should have a period of uninterrupted thought. A modicum of time in which reflection requires nothing more than ambiance, and a thrilling calm of the world as intended. Do I get that in the morning, no absolutely not? Quite the opposite in fact. Each day is met with a face punch full of ritualistic anxiety, an obsessive mantra of hurry up your gonna be late. Make your coffee, choke down your breakfast, try not to gag while brushing your teeth (I don't know why it happens) get toothpaste in your hair, trip while getting your not-totally-dry pants on. Should I check the news before I go out? EVERYTHING IS THE WORST. Ok perfect. By the time I'm in the car on my way to wherever, I can't place my thumping heart, and my stomach is more energized than me. Wake up earlier they say. That'll remedy the problem, or just maybe shhh k. I'm sorry, I'm not a computer. For whatever reason my nights of sleep are rarely uninterrupted. Wacky reoccurring nightmares of being trapped in Blockbuster, the incessant noise of neighbors that never sleep (I swear they're vampires) not to mention getting up to piss 95 times a night, All these things cause me to sleep in ten-minute intervals. So waking up earlier means ill just be that much more tired, ruining my day, including that necessary tranquil period. Plus why do that when I have night? The best part of the day, no noise no troubles, here is my peace. No unwarranted weight of worldy affliction. Just me, my tea, and the summertime crickets. Because of that much-needed slice of heaven each evening, I will never be a morning person.

So there it is my four topics of controversy, I know I said five but you know what, I'm gonna stay on theme with my new unapologetic persona and all you get is four, and guess what I don't even give a care (unless you like this I'll do more). Now Grab your popcorn and get ready for the unbridled, furiously opinionated comments down below. Also sorry k.