Memories: 9 November 2023

9 November 2023

9 November 2022

1:11 pm. Again with the elevens number sequences. What do the time bandits and angels want with me? Only to continuously…sinuously arise and shine in the basking luminescence of the Divine…and other mundane shit.

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Today’s extravaganza of mad creativity. I finished these just now. 1:11 pm. I am exhausted but satisfied with my efforts. Time to relax for the rest of the day, methinks. (I have to…as I ran out of sterling silver wire!) #titaniasrealm #pauashellearrings #pauashellpendant #epnssilverpendantwithcrystalrivetsandsterlingsilverchainandjumprings #IsmsotiredIcouldscreambutthemagickmustkeephappening #magickhappens #loveisthelaw #successforthesnaillooksdifferenttothegrasshopper #flymypretties

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11:11 am what dreams may come? I aspire to beautiful, soulful, comforting and inspiring ones. How about you? 🙂

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9:44 am. I woke up this morning after intense dreams about being out somewhere with my mother and visiting a hospital or hospice. My mother was busting to go to the toilet and there were two women in a queue already but my mother in her characteristic German narcopathic way shouldered them out of the way and stormed into the toilet.

Embarrassed (as usual by my mother’s arrogant abusive ways) I continued walking but noticed there were many other doors also being queued up for. Everyone desperately needing the toilet.

It seemed to take a long while for my mother to come out so I sauntered back to her bathroom. There was a group of women all gathered around, my mother yelling in embarrassment and some other old lady hunched down wiping walls sprayed with shit with her bare hands and toilet paper.

I said “what are you doing? That is not your job to clean this mess up?!” The poor woman stood up looking dismayed. I observed a young woman in a white uniform hanging back, doing nothing but looking at everyone. I pointed at her “You’re the cleaner here. Go and get your equipment and clean this up. It’s disgraceful!” She ran right away.

I pulled my confused and ashamed mother out of there and led her away.

I also dreamed of pushing a bicycle with a group of people, I think Jarrod and Crystal were with me. We walked all over this huge terrain that included a cemetery. We were searching for an exit out of the park but kept coming to dead ends and having to change direction.

We were getting increasingly distressed as we felt lost and stuck in that liminal space. Eventually the bicycle I was pushing got flat tyres and I was struggling to push it. I felt so tired. So very tired.

The third dream (which upset me the most!) I was visiting some people who insisted I put a big Plastic lined bag full of some chemical in my car and they were giving it to me for free. (I think it was acetone or paint stripper!)

I replied it wasn’t a good idea as the bag might leak and damage my car. They said “Please take it and we will give you these sandwiches as well”.

The sandwiches were thick brown bread and had pastrami or pressed chicken in them and they did indeed look delicious. Or I was hungry. Or stupid!

So we heave the bag of liquid into the back of my car and sure enough it starts leaking and soaks into the big brown bread sandwiches I was actually looking forward to eating. The acid liquid burns big holes right through the upholstery of my car with a smokey residue.

I pick up the sodden sandwiches, tear at my hair in horror and frustration and I suppose hunger and start screaming. “I told you this would happen! It needed a proper heavy plastic industrial type container”. They just stared at me and my car and shugged.

I woke up thinking ‘Great! More trauma dreams as my car is due for a service and I dread trusting a mechanic with it, after that time the wheel fell off while we were driving in Byron Bay!’ But that was a few years ago now. I need to get over it.

Last night we had the beaver blood moon, a lunar eclipse, and I read that people would have intense dreams. I just ignored it as my dreams are usually “psychedelic” but three trauma dreams in a row during my morning is a tad unsettling.

I have had a powerful enervating spiritual energy with me all week I worked hard on a wooden staff on Saturday. I had a complete exhaustive nervous crash on Sunday then got back to working on jewelry on Monday and yesterday, afternoon and evening. I only have a few pairs of lovely paua shell earrings to show for all my labour. But they look lovely.

I feel horse whipped by my Muse but can’t achieve too much because I lack energy and enough resources. So it’s frustrating. But I made what I could until I ran out of sterling silver wire. I need to buy more. Gahhh!

I also keep hearing “You are punching far beyond your weight”. I just roll my eyes. I always strive for excellence even if/when I have no idea what in gods name I am doing.

Ergo the epic driven sense of failure, the trauma responses to my own poverty (which I revoke mmmk!!!) and the overcompensating for my huge losses brought on by Fate and epic trickster knaves and psychopaths.

I am punching above my weight, all right. Striving to attain the impossible and improbable in a full blown zombie apocalypse. As I have always done even in “better times” which for me were never better but just more evil bullshit I was striving to survive. Now the world is on a par with me through the most ghastly bestial circumstances.

I derive no comfort or even shadenfreude from it. Like the leaky toxic plastic bag in my nightmare…we went along quite willingly with the shilling, histrionics of perverted evil people who crave our deaths.

The dream is a stark reminder to always adhere to my common sense and to continue to refuse to collude with evil toxicity in whatever form it manifests in. A leaky bag that doesn’t hold acid. Burning through our transport systems. Quite a metaphor even for my scrambled dying brain.

I must not let other humans destroy me, or risk self immolating in the process. Hold my ground. Hold the line. Fuck the sandwiches…donuts…football tickets or fake promises of eternal health. Bejayus!

No amnesty. Ever!

9 November 2020

Toxic love is so destructive. So cruel. So empty, so debilitating. So deeply wounding.

Yet still I rise...how many uprisings now? To what end? Burnt out ends of smoky days...obliterated in my dazed gaze, barely staunched flow of lifeforce and heart blood.

Yet here I am...again. Not particularly liked and barely loved.

To be or not to be me in all paradigms. The mother that was deemed worthless and pushed to the brink for $3000 handbags. The daughter violated over and over and fucking over again, for no good reason other than she was born intelligent and pretty and barely survived her own childhood.

The not-good-enough woman derided for my asthma and my poverty.

What the fuck? No luck no luck. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from All that ignominy.

I am not liked. Barely respected. A stark reminder of whom I am.

I wanted to leave. Go...just go. But that will not heal my broken heart or wounded relationships with my own children.

I sat in my bedroom and looked out the window into the street. Life continues...with or without me or my struggles to breathe and my long hard fight for freedom from the hatred and envy of others.

What could I do but endure.. accept the unacceptable. Hold my head high and live in some delusional hope that this horror will go away. (It won’t!)

Ultimately it is I that needs to just Vanish into the slipstream of sewerage that is my life!

But I am trapped and that means I must endure. And rise above it all... a broken Woman/Mother. Unloveable. Unworthy of love. Denied safety for so long...so long. I spawned only dishonour and despair.

Such is life. The ancient ones brought me to this season of multiplicity and duplicity. Reaping what I sowed in the darkness of my hellish existence. A love that is plastic and locked behind the vortices of treachery.

Those steel gates that open and slam shut like the 49 gates to Holiness. Preserving my spirit but circumventing my mind.

I belong to no one. That is my fate. As she said “Too little, too late”. I was left with so little and in actual fact as a mother I was right on time. Giving when I had nothing left to give: not even heart’s blood or lifeforce.

Yet I dug deep into my own cracked body and mind and gave a little more.

It’s funny. Really truly. Hilarious! The depths of love we have for our own children. Even as they mock and deride us for our failure to thrive and our coughing, choking breath.

Dishonour. That is my name. Tanya the Dishonoured One. Fuck!

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9 November 2019

I woke up to a heavy haze of smoke which is playing havoc with my asthma. But my heart goes out to all the humans and pets and wildlife, and flora that have lost their lives in the epic bushfires. It is truly horrific.

9 November 2018

Today my neighbour’s sister Sarah who is housesitting told me she is 12 weeks pregnant. Age 39. A miracle as she was told she would never have children.

I am so delighted for her!! She had been trying for a long time and had given up hope. Sometimes Spirit blesses us the most when we give up. Surrender.

This reminds me that all I ever wanted in life could still yet manifest. Often things manifest for me at the 11th hour. But I want a life partner before that last ditch Custer’s stand! Ie while I am not too old to enjoy another person sharing my life. (Insert crone cackle here).

I guess if the gods continue to deny me true love and comfort in my older age then I can at least look forward to a grandchild in my latter years.

If that doesn’t happen then I will have to surrender to that reality as well.

Cari Carinosita : Ok so “the gods denying me” is a misinterpetation of law of attraction, quantum physics and how we hold things away from outseves by applying pressure from the not-havingness of it. The deep wantingness from the place of lack holds it back. To say this is God’s will is “anthropomorphism”- putting human characteristics to a totally non-human thing. God wants u to have abundance. Like u said, it’s the full surrender. The release, opening, emptying of your cup, ease and grace, not tryingness, allowingness, abiding faith and letting flow rather than bottlenecking w expectation w a focus on not havingness.

9 November 2017

Cool evening. Had to pull up a blanket on my couch.

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The Beau just climbed on the couch beside me. Looked lovingly into my eyes. I said “Give me a kiss”. He sorta stared a few more tender seconds longer...then vomited up into my skirt and on my couch.

Thinking quickly, I used my skirt to mop up the cascading vomit drool. Stripped it off and threw it into the bathroom sink to rinse off.

Thank you Beauregard. The feeling is mutual.

Never work with children or animals.

This is what happens when The Beau buries his bone for two days then digs it up and chews it. Every.single.time. Gahhhh!

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Having a cappuccino at Amanda’s coffee shop. Beauregard is whining and so excited to be out amongst other dogs. He wants to be friends with two little dogs here. I let him sniff their butts so he would sit down and shut up. Lol.

I told him his little dog friend Tawny is coming. So he is waiting rather impatiently. He thinks he is the King of all the doggies here. Hilarious!

Julie Butler: How are you feeling today Tanya Arons?

Me: Very mood disordered/upset tummy/anxious but not in any pain thank god!

Beau got to see Tawny and was very happy about that! Joanne and I shared our banana bread with both dogs. I came home after a while as I felt unwell. Drained and exhausted.

Not in pain but still feel crook.

9 November 2016

Manifestation: I am Safe. I am loved. I am prosperous. I live in harmony.

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9 November 2016

Sitting on my couch, sipping $2.99 wine because Donald Trump is President, Pauline Hanson is in our federal govt and the world has gone mad. I also have a reserve of Valium but that is for more serious panic attacks. I regret I have no access to cyanide pills as if that orange oompaloompa presses the Doomsday button we all die. Horrible horrible deaths.

I was trained to survive. By survivors. Not very nice people either. One was a paedophile, the other an enabler and a Narcopath. So I well know from personal experience what it means to outlive evil bastards.

Now Uncle Sam and big daddy are really acting out.

Where is the Divine Feminine, the protector of women, children, mentally ill, impoverished, minorities and the "other"? Who will stand up to this great miscarriage of global justice and fight the evil pricks?

The universe sent me an orange "vagina" as a sign. Haha. But what shall She do to remedy this breached birth of a new dynasty for the US of A?

I can only wait. Pray. Love my beloveds. Each day is more precious than the last.

Update 9 Nov 2020: Yesterday Trump lost the election. Now we can start the recalibration of timelines and the healing.

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Watching that oompaloompa moron's victory speech is agonising.

Dandelion DB: I feel so sick to my stomach. IT'S NOT OKAY THAT HE WON. This is hitting me so hard. I feel so angry

Kelly Anne: I had an anxiety attack at 2:30pm when I knew for sure he would win...

Me: Another major nation in the West will have to step up to the mark, the great gaping chasm left by American public and take over as a major superpower. Or we are all doomed.

Kelly Anne: I'm not safe to drive even now... I am truly surprised by the strength of my own emotional reaction. I think I'm actually suffering from minor shock. My fingers are even numb. Is that supposed to even be medically possible??? I feel so strange right now. I have a friend who works closely with NASA employees in Florida somewhere I think. I true liberal & humanist. He will be floored. He's a well known journalist & writer. Writes for Spaceflight magazine about humanity's journey to explore our solar system / galaxy & related physics, astronomy etc... He & all of his colleagues will be feeling pretty awful I think. Many NASA programs will now go without funding. Job losses will be huge across all the natural science research community.

Me: Your fingers are numb from the trauma and shock. Be gentle with yourself. Trust in G-d or the greater minds in humanity. Trump is very dangerous. We are right to be horrified. But we must unite in the fight for freedom from tyrants.

I had an anxiety attack early this arvo. BEFORE I found out Trump won. I got to my psych and he had to debrief with me as he was so upset. I told him another superpower will have to take over. The US will crumble under Trump's presidency.

He agreed that Australia will be accepting many new American immigrants which is awful given how we treat refugees who come from non-white backgrounds. I agreed. I said Americans will be welcomed in with open arms and open legs.

We laughed. But This is still horrific. America the Brave?! What did they put in your water? In your consciousness?

Kelly Anne: Yep. Maybe this is what ppl needed here to wake them up & the worse Trump behaves to make himself & / the rich richer, the more ppl will rally against conservatism. I hope. If we're not yet as ignorant as a lot Americans have become... if we still have enough of us who can overcome the urge to puke at the corruption & reason that there WAS indeed a worst candidate of the two & the least worst (best option) actually just lost to a reality TV star greedy racist sexist bigot.. ) then there maybe be hope for us to rally & show them how great Australia can be.

Me: Well Kelly. Pauline Hanson our Qld version of a white supremist got voted into the federal govt. The world has gone mad and backslid into fascism and tyranny.

All I can say is sharpen your knives, keep your kids safe and be prepared to fight to the death if we have to. A new age of fascism is upon us.

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I have been out since 9.40 am, filling aquaponic pond with fresh water as I lost another goldfish. So that took a while to clean out the pond.

Now exhausted and short of breath so resting up until I have my debrief with my Dr later this afternoon. I also watered the back garden.

It was very hot outside so I stomped in at midday to have some food and a few glasses of cold water as I thought that might be why I felt suddenly so weak.

I have really depleted myself in recent weeks. I might need to stay home this weekend again. Too much dancing is killing me.

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9.34am. Awake at last. 12 hours sleep apart from my brief wakefulness at 2.30 am.

Good morning! I needed that long rest.

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2.52 am. Awake after 6 hours sleep. Bit of a headache. So drinking water, nibbling chocolate and loving the middle of the night cool air and silence. Magical. But I am really fatigued these days. So will schluff again.

9 November 2012

Ha! On bus to Casino and it finally decides to pour down instead of the pathetic warm drizzle I walked to the bus stop in. Hmmm I will be dry and taciturn inside, I guess! Couldn't find my bloody brand new umbrella so wrapped in my shawl looking like a Crazy Gypsy Woman! You know... My favourite Look!

Sensibly I wore my low heeled old black boots! Not as sexy as my new platform boots but safer for navigating puddles, kerbs and potholes on the way home. Won't risk going Arse over Tit tonight!

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I have been recovering from my last weekend. I spent the day in the garden...oops not much housework done again...who knew? OY. I'm planning on going out tonight.

The air is fresh and cool and sweet after the bit of rain. Not enough water from the heavens for my liking for the garden but enough to refresh my hardboiled spirits. So off for my Oneg Shabbat! lol.

Wonder what I shall wear tonight? Not fussed on going all out...so might just dress a bit more sanely for a change.

9 November 2011

I heard a rustling of plastic in the lounge only to discover my sly canine delight had stolen the schmackoes packet out of the plastic bag I packed for our flight tomorrow (which I had planned on bribing her with!) The little Thieving Pooch has eaten the lot!

Who says we need opposable thumbs? I'm astounded! All I can say is the little Miss will have a Schmacko Bellyache tomorrow! See I'm not kidding when I say she is planning to take over the World. Look out Sydney lol.

Sylvia Shine: hope you have a wonderful re-union.have lots of fun,and a safe flight.Tanya,i would love to be a fly on the wall,when you discuss all your long past secrets,so good on YA.love Sylvia. x x x

Me: Lol Sylvia. I am only now at age 46 really living so only now generating some juicy secrets ;). You always told me good things were a'coming and I almost did give up.... But I am so happy that I was born with a Free Spirit and a hell of a lot of Courage and a large dose of Determination because in my very soul I always knew that Life could be and indeed was always meant to be Beautiful. So big kisses and hugs to you my Darling for cheering me on on the Darkest times of my life.

Love you Sylvia! Xxx

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I'm leaving on a Jet Plane! At long last I'm going on holiday to the Blue Moutains to spend time with my childhood friend (from Caulfield Primary school when I was 9) Margaret! Bella is flying with me too! I am so excited!

9 November 2010

Ok Sweethearts...The Tanya is Awake, Aware, Awesome, Awe-inspiring and after only 6 hours sleep last night, awfully tired. (Those in the know, all know what THAT means). Expect a huge dose of Crazy with a touch of hysteria and happiness overload anytime soon.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons