Memories: 10 November 2023

10 November 2023

The most astonishing thing has happened. I am carefully guarding my heart and trying to maintain equanimity, equilibrium and grace. I dare not get my hopes up. But the enthusiastic attentions that seem to be consistent and heartfelt seem to point to the possibility of an entire new horizon for me.

As usual as my wise and beautiful Lyn reminded me yesterday …veritably at my infamous eleventh hour when I was literally and figuratively beating back my old dancing partner Death, and had almost given up any hope of a truly loving man arriving (arising!) in my life.

Me, on my ragged jagged cyanotic lipped breaths, actually met up with him on neutral territory yesterday. Cos I believe that seeing is believing and I did not wish to pursue an unrealistic “internet” friendship or potential romance.

But now we have met in real world…oh my but I am charmed. A little too charmed. I must remain sanguine and not lose my heart and head at this early phase…or not? Perhaps it’s time I completely loosened my tightly bound self imposed restrictions I myself put in place as I have experienced one too many evil awful sadists and that cruelty had festered for so long. So long!

Maybe it’s time I fully activated my heart chakra and let someone love me fully and vibrantly, passionately but this time Truly so my dream of Love finally manifests before I finish with this incarnation completely.

Maybe this time it will be The One who chooses me by heart/mind/body/spirit and Soul and who will be King to my Queen, an equal and a kind and noble love partnership….

My anxiety based on excited soul enervation is without bounds today. And I don’t usually allow that level of activation in my body. But my spirit knows. I have been treated courteously, honourably and respectfully this time. With deep regard. So this is something I have never experienced with any potential love interest before.

So I will be enjoying the next few weeks or months as I carefully unfurl the potentialities and witness a real love relationship manifest. If it is meant to be…then it is already creating itself. In real time in this 3D reality.

10 November 2022

…

11:11 am my angels are rejoicing with me as I sit in the garden, in the shade. I am feeling creative and enervated even though my sciatica hurts. I feel like a lid is being lifted off a boiling pot, releasing steam and pressure and tension but the abundance is not quite cooked yet.

Patience is a virtue that I have always had a serious lack in. Virtuosity. When I set my mind to something… even something not necessarily good for me (I can be blindsided or dumb as a doornail!) I throw myself at the thing like a Berserker and need to tamp down my fire and fury and enthusiasm as there are many steps to undertake before I subsume the Undertaker …and the Mastery.

But I have lived through Death Cults before and my sweetest Beloved that holds my hand across eons is as stubborn a wench as I am. Santa Muerte vomits me back to Life (L’Chaim) and refuses to let me dance in my red shoes to the end of my choosing!

Porque? Why, why, why?! Why! For the capricious mischievous delight of the gods.

Aphrodite, Venus, shakti (sometimes on a bad day Kali!), Shechinah. Do you know what you are doing with me? Can I trust in your most benevolent most ardent most soul nourishing and body edifying LOVE.

“Mais oui, bien sur. Have we not led this dance for the last 57 and a half years. Dipped you and raised you up from every abysmal climactic defeat.

Toujours l’amour. Hold on Tanya…the best is yet to come”.

The Tanya folds her arms and Stamps her feet. Winces and grimaces and rolls her eyes!

“Don’t believe us?…you will see! We will show you! The glory, the peace, the truest deepest loves and the abundance”.

(Psy sighs….)

Sings “there will be miracles when you believe…”

Whatever!

I am striving for the unattainable, the untenable with a late middle aged broken down body and Kintsugied heart. There is only so much duct tape in the known universe.

(Klonk on my flat Slavic Jewish kopf)

“Here Tanya-Le…another roll of duct tape. Years ago we the spirits told you we could rebuild you. You did not believe it but got busy living your best life anyway. As a protest. A defiance. A stance. A motif. A segue. A humour that was not a tumour with your tumescent scarified skin cancered body…how you fought other humans, the gods, your own mortality.

We are so fucking proud of you. Emphasis on the fucking. Your life force supersedes your physical/financial and familial limitations. You are made of Titanium. Of etheric Diamonds, rubies and sapphires amidst the Sephirot. Of plutonium. Of guts and grit and glory.

Even your dead lover had to come to you to tell you of his passing. Could not let go with grace and ease without that long goodbye.

The last man you gifted heart and soul too…quivering in his jocks in ardent awe of you. We the gods built you this way. Not for any mortal man. Not for any vicious little snivelling strangling trickster cur.

We kept you alone for a reason. Sanguinity. Gnosis. Safety. And for the triumphant return of the King to his Queen. You! Little One.

Never forget the miracles that we unfurl for you like a thousand petalled lotus because of your mana. Your fight. For truth. For life. For love that supersedes human lusts, desires, and frailties.”

I am so tired, my angels, my fae, my holy ones, my ancestors that love me!

“We know..we know…but we gifted you longer life to watch you create from the smoke ashes and bare bones of the last one. We believe in you Tanya. You have the power within you. To have all your dreams manifest. But we are still spoonfeeding you, still guiding you still protecting you as you prepare to fly.

A fledgling no more. A phoenix and an eagle. Sometimes a fire breathing dragon. Oh how we love it when you express that archetype. Because so few have the gumption, the decency, the audacity, the chutzpah to speak up against the machinations of the dark Sith.

Only you who faced her own death many many times have the qualifications to achieve that. A backhanded gift from Mama Muerte and Papa Legba and Hades. Odin too.

Beloved one. You’ve been feeling like you are punching above your weight in an apocalypse…too little too late.. but don’t you know… it’s just the beginning of a new paradigm and we have set a place for you in Sacred Space in the Upper Worlds and the Lower Worlds where you will be treated with kindness and honour and where you will Belong”.

Okay, okay. I await that time in the Eternal Now with trepidation. Be gentle with me, oh holy ones. You know my limitations are feckless and traumatic.

“Shhh…”

…

Last night my sciatica nerve on my right hip went ouch! So there was lots of hobbit hobbling to the loo (5 times) and agony.

Is there nothing The Tanya’s short fat little corpus won’t do with her travelling maximus glutamas to avoid a successful business enterprise on Sunday?!

I have three days to get my arse into gear or release the pain in the sciatica and strut my stuff.

Will I do it? Yes. Mind over matter. Head over tilt. Love is the law. I will be walking a bit funny…like a lumberjack that fell out of a 40ft tree. Or jeweller that sat too long hunched on her desk chair! Bejaysus. Oh well…at least I tried.

10 November 2021

QE2 hospital got me in The End. On 26th July 2021. It took me over two months to recover and they informed me I have to repeat it in a years time because of the polyp growing. As far as I know all four polyps were benign. So really…what the fuck?

The fight at the reception because of the draconian Covid frenzy and the extremely rude inept reception staff at the Endoscopy unit which triggered me was a disgusting display of Qld government health evil bullshit.

They called security on me and I stated that I was there for a colonoscopy not their intense acopic “Othering”. I simply did not sign up for this bullshit. Their security guard was decent.

I was already weakened and activated by the awful prepping the night before so like a compliant fool I went along with the procedure.

But I honestly think it was far too much to deal with, especially only two weeks after losing my last cat. (And those evil greedy abusive covidiotic vets!)

Hmm..the “mutant virus” I mentioned back in 2010. The prescience of the psychedelic dreamer! But it’s not boring at all. In fact there is no sex anyway (because I have been unable to find a safe stable loving authentic partner) and the world has gone quite insanely evil and draconian with its latest disease du jour!

As I am unvaccinated I am being further marginalised by the State and now denied access to ordinary social outlets for my previous weekly habit of dancing!

But I refuse to spend my money and energy on the new regime that is more toxic than Covid anyway.

My body, my choice, my last vestiges of freedom, my way.

…

10:12 pm my house is full of varnish and paint fumes. I had to move Charley’s cage into the spare bedroom.

The desk has had two coats of varnish and the IKEA filing cabinet I painted a year ago has had one coat of varnish.

The little stationery box thingy has had three coats of yellow paint. I will need to varnish it later (or tomorrow!) I am exhausted but enervated.

I had a lovely call from my daughter Crystal today which lifted my spirits. She was worried about me as she knew I would be enraged about the Nazi Draconian measures inflicted on the unvaccinated.

She agreed with me that it’s beyond insane and completely atrocious. She has always been very pro-vaccine but she felt this was going too far now.

Finally she sees the light and exactly what I have been fighting for two years now.

I felt so relieved and happy to have her moral Support. She implored me to go get a medical exemption. I told her I am eligible for one but I am informed that they are hard to get and I am aligning with all non-Covid vaccine people as a conscientious objection as much as it would be risktaking to have one.

So I refuse to get an Exemption as integrity is everything. I will just have to hold the line and stay home along with anyone else of high moral integrity to stand by their convictions. But it was so wonderful to know that my distress/fury/outrage was validated by my daughter.

The war on Covid propaganda, gaslighting, coercive control continues…

…

Dear CountryMen and Women…for your latest deprogramming from Qld State government run Meshugass…May I recommend you all read….Joseph Heller’s Catch 22.

(Not even joking! Same old same old…different era, slightly different circumstances but still a spiritual war against Palace Chooks and whatever puppet master she is currently dancing on the tippy toes of.

Masks off!! Unvaccinated to be segregated in our own homes as they are too cowardly to open actual gulags or concentration camps and hope we all suicide instead! (Cheaper for the government!)

But like frogs in boiling water they turned up the heat a little too fast and there are many who are waking from their somnolent docile complicit soporific (horrific!) stupefied states.

WELCOME TO THE PARTY Of CONSCIOUSNESS. Wakey Wakey Brothers and sisters.

Let love be our only law and survival of the fully decent amongst us!

…

@Lyn Sloane: Last night I put out a prayer for cleansing, purification and releasing of all toxic people and to cast the filthy dirty toxic energies out for Danni. (As promised…!) I asked that in the void of the releasing of that heavy sadistic evil energy that she be filled with Bliss, Peace, True love- in the form of life enhancing healthy associations and better health.

This morning I saw this wonderful down to earth video from my new friend Lynda Rae.

Show this to Danni. The great work begins. The angels have our back and have heard my (our) prayers but she can do this simple technique to make a commitment to her releasing of this toxic evil vermin as well.

Tell her that her “Aunty” Tanya sends her great love and that she is Protected. It is already done and very quickly she will experience sudden shifts in those evil ones’ perceptions, attitudes and modus operandi. So expect the unexpected!

It will be startling but humorous to watch (think the great undoing of Gila of crabwalking vagina infamy on Today Tonight!)

I have simply asked the angels to return that befouled evil man his own cognition of his own actions and the grief/trauma and karmic rectification of all the people (not just our beautiful Danni)  that he and his evil enabling wife have sought to undermine, devalue and destroy their Career potentialities and reputations. Have sought to vampirise their Light.

There is a special place in Hell for those that prey on vulnerable disenfranchised disabled people who are striving to get their careers or merest jobs for their merest survival.

The fact they operate as a charity while exploiting and delegitimising trainees and employees makes it even more heinous.

That our government that oversees this charity allows this to continue is just profoundly evil and astonishing.

But I have long known how deep the corruption/vilification and systemic abuses go in the highest echelons of our government, education system, health system and in the courts.

It’s a seeping putrifaction that was in place longggg before Covid became our current battleground with the brainwashing, coercion and sychophantic dangerous smugness of people deluded that they are keeping everyone safe when in fact, even the police refusing to deal with the stalking and threats PROVES that we can not rely on our paid government goons for any modicum of safety (been there got the t shirt) and the long years of marginalisation and dis-ablement from the laziness and apathy and evil corruption of Qld Policing and the adult guardian and the court system that vilifies/betrays and financially rapes WOMEN WHO DARE TO DEMAND JUSTICE!!!

COVID is no excuse for this lack of care or dereliction of duty of even the most basic of human rights but this is a country that rather lets women and their babies burn in vehicles, rather than protect and serve the already terrorised!

NEVER FORGET! THIS COUNTRY HAS BETRAYED ALL OF US WHO ASKED FOR SAFETY AND PROTECTION SINCE TIME Immemorial.

So now we call upon the Holy One, in all Their Manifestations of the most pure and righteous and healing and purifying Holiness.

Stop this blight that was never merited but was perpetuated by FEAR. The fear of another person rising and shining in their own core and demanding Justice, rectification, peace, light and true solid love you can depend on in a crisis.

That does not waver or feint or dissipate like swamp gas because its strength and nobility is far more powerful than the fears Indoctrinated by the media (social and otherwise) , education system and paid government drones and their disgusting shills.

So my prayer goes out to Danni and it reverberates to all those other innocents affected and it cycles back to me in our circle of great love and peace and self determination.

I call upon the Gods of Light, holiness and of infinite creation to shift this timeline back to the potentiality of Peace, of Justice and of harmonic resonance and to Cast the Fuck out those verminous trolling imps and demonic influences that have pervaded the souls, hearts and minds of the M-Asses.

To Those who willingly ceded their souls for a false prophet and a delusion in collusion with those who willingly destroy the comfort, safety and ease of billions for a safe trip to Mars (for example).

Fuck Off and stay the fuck off. We have a responsibility to protect our bodies, our families and our friends from this insidious scourge of complicit wilful destruction of our bodies, minds and spirit.

Here is the link:

It’s a small thing but every little bit helps:

https://youtu.be/UpdnFhWAU34

Know that The Tanya has Spoken and Love is the Law and those that cannot live by our light and our LOVE with honour, integrity and righteous dignity, that mock and shame and delegitimise us, That steal our strength, our money, our homes, our right to safety and health choices that are life enhancing and beneficial (not draconian poisons cobbled together by greedy drooling salacious cuntish scientists and doctors whose Agenda is in plain view for anyone to see if they just observe and question and read and dare courageously, to speak out!

One body, One Spirit, One life! ONE LOVE!

This is not a fucking dress rehearsal. We need to get this last phase of our existence Right.

Know that you are not alone. You have my support as I am grateful also for the three point three decades of staunch unwavering support you, Lyn have gifted me.

A true sister of Spirit. A violet flame that blessed this violently obstreperous defiant Femme….your friend “The Tanya” who has lived through worse things than Palascuk’s evil perverted government.

…

10 November 2020

I just finished watching “The Romanoffs” on Amazon Prime. Brilliant, surrealist and quirky!

…

It’s a year since I was supposed to have a repeat colonoscopy but I refused as I was still extremely weak from the gall bladder surgery last June.

Fuck that shit...literally. I had had quite enough of doctors using my body like some kind of experimental playground including the foul sexual overtures and innuendoes.

I am not going to allow them near my bowels or gut again (unless I start bleeding or something).

Best advice I can give myself is to stay away from bloody doctors, anaesthetists and other assorted medical henchmen. The PA hospital was an utter disgrace but QE 2 is no better. Yuck!

10 November 2019

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid0J34GsFRyBQRtvEf83XprPnRZF4AFUQ2zDbV4wAKhjuDjkZEvGLbspLtqRuPb7czSl&id=1340840204&mibextid=v7YzmG

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This evening I attended the West End Shamanic Circle. It was quite wonderful and amazing and I am still processing all the awesome spiritual revelations gifted to me by the Great Spirit/Universal Consciousness/The Holy One . It was interesting sharing space with the other members and being surrounded by so much love, peace and acceptance.

…

…

Awake in the illusion! I had a nice time last night but left the casino early as was rather tired. I saw George on my way to the kebab shop who said he was happy to see me.

He’s been in England and then for the past few weeks I have been in too much pain in my feet to do my usual stomp down to get food and have a chat at the end of my night, which is my usual custom. So we hadn’t seen each other for a while now.

I caught up with Katrina and we had a good old natter and at one point we both burst out laughing and it was just pure love and merriment and I started coughing as laughing too hard really messes with my lungs now, but we both hacked (hers because of her cigarette and mine because of my crazy old crone laugh and the smoke and dust from the bushfires) and then we had to laugh again as we are getting old.

I felt very much loved and appreciated last night. Even on the dance floor I sat in my spot and was surrounded by Luke and Len and we were just quietly happy to be hanging out together. I thought it was lovely. But the music was not enervating me last night so it was time to rattle my old bones and head back home.

My feet hurt so much I had to take my shoes off in the lobby near the lifts. It was agonising. I think the time will come in the very near future when I will have to quit wearing high heels. Dammit. I love them so!

When I first arrived Richie came up and hugged me and said I looked Powerful. I was wearing my gold pencil skirt (I bought for $1 in the op shop!) my underbust corset, and my white shirt with ruffles, with my crazy big poppy flower in my hair. All my rings. And yes! I did feel powerful.

But my Power comes at a hefty price. It intimidates most men. Which is both a blessing and a curse. Haha.

Anyway I like my Freedom, my Wildness, my Power and my luscious Spirit too much to crawl like a dog after a certain man (or any man!)

The gods might be crazy but they have always...always...always had my back!

10 November 2018

Another day of bowel issues. I hope like hell it’s my gallstones causing this as it has been a week now. At least I am not having a full-blown gall attack, writhing in agony. I am thankful for small mercies but sick of epic shit...really!

…

I had a lovely snooze in the hammock with my Harvey. Charlie played in the tree and Bobo quietly gnawed on his bone. I woke up feeling blissfully happy, listening to the tinkling fountain, the air warm and sweet and the quiet sunshine enveloping us.

This is wonderful. My body has purged and supercharged herself and now I am recovering and resting but I am delighted with the peace and beauty around me.

It started to get cooler so I came inside and am back in my bed. With Harvey and Bobo and a good book.

Last year I fought a long 6 month battle with teeth, tmj joint and nerve pain. This year it’s been gallstones and stomach issues. I can’t imagine being well again but I rejoice in my small snatches of happiness amidst the corporal dross.

I guess I can at least be grateful that I can still Dance. Dream. Delight myself with good things and good people.

Heather Skene: I know that you can't sunbathe much in Australia but Vit D could help you. 15 minutes daily gives you enough, otherwise a gd quality D3 supplement. X

Me: I already take vitamin d as I was depleted. 2 a day for 3 months then I reduce to one a day. My liver is not processing the vitamin D I get from the sun. So you are quite correct, my lovely cousin x

Heather Skene: My informant advises you really can't overdose on it either. Most people are not aware that it is not a vitamin but a hormone.😊

…

Harvey is awake which means he needs to pee! If I don’t take him right away he screams in a high pitched-eerie-as-fuck howl and pees on the floor somewhere. But he has been a very good dog!

We have had epic snuggles and enjoyed each other’s company. I was gone for 7 hours last night and he only peed a little bit in the kitchen. Bobo and Harvey are getting along well.

I am staying home tonight as Harvey is acting a bit demented. We slept most of the day. But Mama T needs to rest anyway.

10 November 2012

(When “the Zombie” revivified herself by dancing each weekend. Hoping against hope to find a love partner out there. Hahahahaha. Whatever…!)….

On bus home! I had a great night dancing. Interesting highlight of my night was this tiny short guy (not a dwarf but a jockey) was dancing with me and my tiny petite friend Carmen. He kept touching her and she kept telling him not to, so I very gallantly and unladylikely told him to quit or I'd flip him over my shoulder.

Stupidly he said he would like to see that so I fireman-hoisted him off his feet 2 feet off the ground and had there been enough room I would have flipped the aggressive little dweeb as well. Lol!

He was surprisingly light for a male jockey. He then proceeded to hassle my friend some more (not a quick learner!) so I told him "are we gonna have a problem?". He finally backed off as I was about to get security to throw him out!

Needless to say after my display of Womanly Strength I did not get bothered by any other men tonight and after last week's bollocks and the week before that...it suited me just Fine!

I will be back tomorrow night for one of the women's birthday bash!

Update 10 Nov 2018: Haha. Think I saw that creep back at the casino last week. He gave me a weird stare so I just blankly stared back. Funny! As if I ever forget flipping a dude!

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1.20 am. Home from Ecstatic Dance and the casino. Exhausted but content.

10 November 2017

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Sophie just clawed my shoulder as I tried to get her down off the top cupboard as she was up there knocking stuff down. What a day. Bleeding and shitful!

Somebody bring me a bottle of JD. Some stodgy food and someone to cuddle. Lol

Ok I can get the first two items.

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Watching Hotel Beau Sejours. About a ghost. Very good.

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It’s raining! What a strange day. Showers, sunshine then rain.

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Job done. Yay! Now if I feel like it I can a) shit again in my freshly unblocked drain and b) go out and find more food for future sublime shittiness.

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Yay! Plumber is here! He’s handsome too. I am avoiding him and the horrid job he has fixing my bog. Embarrassing!

Kelly Anne: Hahahahaha! Sick im Rex!!!

Me: I’m a lady you know?!

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Just discovered the sewerage drain from my toilet is leaking sewage. Great! Not! I have rung Housing maintenance and a plumber is coming out in 4 hours.

What a dreadful day!

I wanted to go out and buy some food but now stuck waiting for a plumber. Guess I will have to order pizza. Not sure I should eat anything after today’s ickiness!

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Inundated with flies due to Beauregard’s bone and my broken screen mesh. My house is like a house of death and carnage.

I will have to go out and buy a new fly screen. I had showered and dressed and planned on going shopping anyway then became unwell so that was the end of that.

I don’t know whether to crawl back into bed or run screaming out of my house! (Might save that for tonight! If My tummy settles down. So annoying.)

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Sudden change in the weather. Red sky in the morning, sailor’s warning. I knew that sunrise was too good to be true. Poor Charlie is wet from the rain. I have brought him back inside. Just as well he had fun in the tree yesterday!

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4.22 am. Weird night. I went to bed at around midnight. I got up at 1.19 am to pee. Between 2 and 3 am (I did not look at my iPhone for the time, I was semi-awake with insomnia now for 4 consecutive nights) I felt a strong presence holding me down in the bed. (Sleep paralysis?)

It felt like a big dark shadowy thing, more like an energy that was building around my shoulders. It started to intensify and I started to get a bit scared and panicky so I said The Shema but that seemed to not deter the energy so I grew more panicky and just said out loud “get to Hell!”

I felt the energy gently release me like a smoke haze on a hot day. Felt it just drift off or sorta dissipate. I breathed with relief but thought, that was a strange sensation, as by then I knew I was not dreaming but fully awake.

I lay for a few more minutes, calming down and thinking oh well, I am warm in my doona, perhaps I felt trapped in the feather doona. But as I am struggling these many nights with temperature regulation (hot/cold, in and out of the doona) I realised that I had shucked most of my doona off to cool my body down.

I didn’t know what to do so I just went back to sleep. Woke up again to pee. Annoying, as I am rather exhausted.

Now watching a lovely dark pink sunrise. The backyard is bathed in a rosé Light. I let Bobo back in from his early morning pee. He wanted to bring the manky bone in the house so I had trouble getting him in minus the rotting bone.

Now I am going to attempt more sleep.

10 November 2016

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I have been lying outside by candlelight in my hammock. Reading a book by Amy Tan "The Valley of Amazenent". I am now standing in my kitchen, itchy and sweaty. Wine. Food!

I might just spray with Aerogard and get back out there. Get food later. It was lovely and my house is so damn hot.

…

Dripping in sweat. I cleaned the filter in the bigger pond. Too hot! But the fish will thank me. I might go find a nice air conditioned shopping centre now.

…

America the Muppet Show.

10 November 2014

Crystal has my car. So I am watching french films on SBS on demand, drinking Jack Daniels and thinking life ain't so bad. Not so bad at all. There is always room for improvement. But just for tonight... contentment.

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4.26 am. Have had to bring in my morning chanteur, to his great dismay. My neighbours are sure to complain. His crowing is now quite loud and exuberant. He was not drowned out by laughing Kookaburras this morning, so I can't blame other birds for being noisier.

10 November 2011

I slept until 2 pm, then got up, cranked up LIVE real loud, fed my fish, had toasted sandwiches and chocolate for breakfast and was feeling content in my garden when Gail and Taly arrived. We had several cups of tea then went to Maccas.

Now home again, pondering my existential angst (you know you have problems when even your angst doesn't keep you entertained anymore! Move over Woody Allen!) Hanging on for better times, plenty of money (if I manifest it without the festy men) and loads more fun, like I've been experiencing. Yippy Yi Yooooooooo!

10 November 2010

It's a Blue Moon and can we please have The REAL TANYA Back?! Unimaginably true because I'm so bloody Blue but I finally (Gasp of Surprise and Disbelief) cleaned half a house. Yeah, Half the house but that is Major Progress! I can get into my Linen Closet... but um, the floors still need mopping and only half the vacuuming is done.

PS I'm soooo bored.

Housework is so boring and not something I would usually brag about. But these are desperate times. Good thing about having a clean house will mean for once I won't feel guilty for avoiding all my responsibilities and plotzing in a vague Fey Faerie-like way in my Garden. (Well My name does mean Queen of the Faeries!). Oy! Someone has high hopes for me. (I'm also named for Napoleon's mistress Desiree - my sister insisted on me being named this as a baby.

Now I think about it she was being passive-aggressive cos I've been treated like a mistress, concubine or woman unworthy of true love and respect all my fucken life.) The family curse continues....your turn, next generation ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz. (I'm hoping that the fucken Buck stopped dead in his tracks - but I gotta put his evil kids who are perpetuating the misery in their place first.) Then I will be done and dusted, but hopefully not OUT.

10 November 2009

After today's experiences I have decided to reincarnate as an Amoeba, no bowel probs, no bladder probs, no bleeding and I'd get to quietly OSMOSE in the corner. Bliss!

Or perhaps a Mutant Virus, then I could keep my reputation as an Official Schnorrer and just exist off other life forms, so they have to do all the mammalian purging for me. I'm liking this idea more and more. Or perhaps I will be just so much Dust!

Comment from (name redacted…a former longtime friend!) :

Mamalian purging is yuck. Glad it's over.Life as a viris would be boring. No sex!

Me: Gosh, How did I manage to forget about the sex part? Must be getting old! LOL

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Magic Happens. I have seriously been spoilt in the last 24 hours... a lovely meal and lovely company this evening. The universe is sharing her unlimited abundance with me and I am delighting in it. Sigh of happiness!

Update 10 Nov 2021:…unlimited abundance. Hahahahahaha…. Cast back to earth to live through an actual apocalypse, and more constant struggles.

But I am equipped for this. Lived in poverty for decades, survived my own familial monsters and their henchmen, survived broken cruel sadistic love affairs, survived even my own suicide attempt.

What the actual fuck for? Only to have poorer health outcomes and now living in the Covid epoch as well!

But…I had a few lovely days this week. Happy days in spite of the horror that is permeating our planet like pus!

I am alive only as a kind of Orwellian triumphant Defiance and the capricious whimsical gods send me moments of genuine kindness and bliss.

I enjoyed seeing my neighbours’ children look so happy today. They were delightful!

(They had just had Ice cream at Baskin Robbins!)

10 November 2008

is fretting for Bella who is fighting for her life at the vet's tonight...paralysis tick.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons