Memories: 27 January 2023

27 January 2022

I cooked a lovely salmon, rice, carrot, corn and peas dinner for my Beauregard.

Then a nice rice and chicken schnitzel dinner for me. I played Abby Skye as she came up on my feed, and I danced just like in the good old days before cuntish cunts decided what was good for me with their control dramas and hysteria. Wildly and freely.

Then I put on Zombie by The Cranberries and really let it rip.

Now back on my couch watching “Newton’s Cradle”, ably cradled and protected by my dog and the gods 🙂.

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Watching “Newton’s Cradle”. The heroine’s journey to discovering her power under traumatic circumstances. Powerful.

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I have observed that I am being Silenced and otherwise marginalised or punished for adhering to Truth.

Time to go Off-Grid.

27 January 2020

Today marks 75 years since the liberation of Auschwitz. Just one concentration camp amongst dozens that butchered, raped, gassed millions of innocents. Jews and many other groups of people that were deemed unworthy of life and safety under Hitler’s eye.

A pervasive madness that is growing again in our current epoch. It has never ended. This desire to slaughter the Other. I was othered too. Many many times. On both sides of the spectrum.

It has made for a very fraught and strange existence.

But I have, up until this moment, survived. With the generousity and never ending stoicism of close friends who did their best at all times to buoy me up when I hit the gravel pits of disaster and derangement...not always of my own making. With their love, I climbed up again...and again.

Fragile as ever, but just as fierce!…Mama T.

I have been thinking deeply about the correllation of history repeating of all my broken love affairs that became so toxic and dangerous. I keep thinking about Cees’s death back in 25 November 1995 and how deeply traumatised I was by it. After all I was put in the unique position of sitting with one of my chief abusers, helping him exit this world.

Emaciated with bone cancer that began with prostate cancer. But I did my duty by him. Only it was not really my duty. To a man who had sexually threatened me up until I was 15 when he threatened to rape me so I pushed him down our stairs. 15 and already fending off potential rapists and their pernicious malevolence.

Then at 18, more rape threats from a fellow jewish student in the Executive meetings of the Student Union of the Victoria University of Wellington. Also the filth they graffitied on toilet doors about me. Sad, ghastly but true.

As a segue I once, not too long ago, walked around and around the statue of Queen Victoria in Queens Park opposite the casino...thinking rather wryly, “You owe me big time!” But in truth she owes me nothing. No one owes anyone anything.

We owe ourselves to find courage and meaning and honour in our own beleaguered unmeritorious pathetic existences. I almost heard her spirit say “Be your own Queen of your Own Destiny and stand in your own Light!”

But I am so ill. I have been so very ill. For so long. My Destiny eludes me. My true lover man never manifested. My life makes no sense except to capricious, whimsical, sometimes hysterically funny, gods.

Yet I am holding on to this life. Nothing else to do. One day at a time.

By the way, I am not suicidal. Prednisone makes me hungry and maudlin. But I have lived with death and darkness longer than most people so this is not suicidal ideation...this is me doing what I have always done...living in Defiance of my own family, former murderous lovers, of the estrangement of daughters, of letting go of various toxic friends, of a life surrounded with apocalyptic cataclysms, political right wing depravity across the globe and now the current threat of coronavirus.

We are being culled just like in the Holocaust but this time there are no barbed wire fences or Nazi guards (unless you are a refugee!) No, they are culling us with viruses allowed to spread out of control, with poisons in our food and water and air.

We thought we had a hope of a better future. We prayed and worked so hard, hoping for it to be true. Well... I am holding on like a limpet on cragged rising seas of storm-tossed poisoned oceanic tsunamis because....

Life always finds a way. S/he who Dares Wins. And I am a survivor of an evil family that survived WW2 and so shall I. Hopefully without ever becoming like those monsters.

It’s a fine line, a taut tightrope, a free-wheeling trapeze act with no safety net but I will continue to tiptoe through (and past) “The Tulip” and every other human man that sought to destroy me for the mere fact of my female body.

My father’s spirit has been hanging around. I know this because I heard the words from “No Aphrodisiac” by the Whitlam’s. Specifically the words “A letter to you on a cassette as we don’t write anymore”.

I know why he is around me. He probably knows I am sick therefore in a weakened state so he can taunt me or haunt me. But he is no father. A father that gloated over my many sexual abuses then finished up by abusing me as an adult woman. Not a father. Just a dirty depraved scumbag.

I cast out that demon. Always have, always will. But they seek to re-enter my life through other living lechers. I almost have to laugh at how absurdist and depraved they all are.

No aphrodisiac like loneliness...but I am not lonely. I have Charlie, Beauregard, Penny and Socks loving me completely.

I have some beautiful friends. A daughter floating out there, as she is working hard to buy herself a house. Good girl. Get yourself the security and stability that I was unable to provide you then hope like hell it is a safe and happy home, nurtured and protected and no thieving cuntish arseholes deprive you of that. But I will rejoice for my daughter to have her own home. She deserves that much. As do we all.

Another father figure (my father in law) wanted that for me. His generousity of heart and spirit is not forgotten. He wanted me to have a home of my own, children. Love. On the day he died he called out Micheal’s name in anger. I always wondered why. Now I know.

The old man had a vision of the future. A future he could not protect me from. Nor could the only other father figure, my grandfather Alfred Abraham Phillips who gifted my mother land to be kept for me in Waiheke Island on a gentleman’s handshake because he trusted my mother. Nothing in writing. So I was vilified for stating that Mum had stolen inheritances from me since I was 14 years old. But it was the truth.

In the end.. it means nothing. It’s only money. What is more important? Living life freely and joyously with people and animals that see you and love you and treat you with honour and integrity.

Such is a life worth living.

I want to express my gratitude to the gods, my angels and the few rare and precious “birds” my friends who have sustained me, fed me, clothed me, bought me an air conditioner (arriving on Wednesday!) a great miracle in that! Whom have loved me when I was unloveable and broiling in my own fury. Who stood by me while I bled out my grief and horror.

Who worked tirelessly to keep me alive in own limitless psychedelic dreamer’s Dreaming. Who wish me well. Who want me to thrive. To put on my red shoes and dance the Blues. To my own glorious beauteous end. 🙂

I salute you.

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Yay. The asbestos contractor is coming tomorrow morning to cut the hole in the wall in preparation for the air con which is coming on Wednesday. It’s all happening. From writhing heat exhaustion to my blissfully cool zen zone! Woohoo! Thank you my angels, ethereal and human! Xxx

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I have observed one thing: since my left ear went out of whack, whackitty wackier el blinko kaput scheisenhausen...my sense of smell and taste has been ramped up exponentially. Quite scary actually.

Potato salad tastes like omggg POTATO SALADDD. The dog food I gave to the dog that did not smell great when I cooked it, smelled a thousand times more intense. It must have been fine though, as Beauregard scoffed it down and he’s been refusing to eat tinned dog food all week. So it’s my sense of smell that amped up.

Anyway, time to schluff soon.

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Another healing in the space of 7 months. Fuck fuck fuck fuck it. But here I go again!!!

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In the style of a very sick Tanya...grrr....I have been hypomanic all day. Three hours gnawing Heidi’s ears off, then Megan’s (online) then Lyn. Lyn was so exhausted. I may have broken all my “team” today. I am now lying on the couch, with a clove of garlic still shoved in my left ear.

I am meant to be resting after non-stop talking all day and evening. But no...my brain won’t switch off.

I have to laugh at how when my body breaks down my brain goes into complete overdrive.

I have to move stuff out of the lounge so the asbestos contractor can get at the wall. Oy! I moved the hat boxes into the spare room at least.

27 January 2019

My friend and mentor Rosie Price (who I met while working ...yes, I used to actually “work”... at the QPSA) used to remind me every day to be like a sunflower and follow the sun to find joy in my life again. I was very very traumatised (not just from the foul workplace!) but in time (years and decades later) I have turned my face to the shining sunshine of my existence.

The sun gave me skin cancer but it did also bring joy back into my life. Ultimately I had to open my soul to its own radiance and shine from within.

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11:30 am just woke up . I finally got to sleep around 4 am. The problem. I was so highly sensitive that the noise of the fan and the sensation of air blowing over my body was actually irritating my nervous system and keeping me awake.

I was ruminating and obsessing too. I would doze for half an hour then get woken up by the dog or the cats. All night. Drove me nuts. But after turning off the fan I finally succumbed to exhaustion.

Time to get up. What magic can I manifest today? Apart from being alive and all? 🙂

I might take Bobo to Wynnum beach (but not in the heat of the day). He badly needs a walk and I badly need the sea.

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3:11 am not much sleep. Bobo had me up all night with needing to pee and vomiting. Exhausting.

I have been in bed since 11 pm but only slept in fits and starts. Shoulda gone dancing. But glad to stay home last night with my dog. Neither of us are coping with the incessant heat.

27 January 2018

Thank you Julie Goddard for dropping around the lovely meal. So lovely of you x

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Lying on couch in a lot of pain. Crystal pops in to give my car back. She gave me a present that arrived from England. Harry Potter and the Cursed child and a book called Knitted Fairies that her landlady she boarded with wanted to give me. She also gave me four big passionfruits, some soaps and 2 tins of baked beans.

I asked her to cook me dinner but she was in a hurry to meet Celia for dinner. She was here 5 minutes.

The Tanya and her cursed existence! Fuck my life! I am a fucking idiot! Seriously! Fucked!

Oh well, got plenty of books to read and knitting to do and um, keep rowing my own boat. (Or driving my own car?!)

Weirdly, I joined a yarn club on fb today, to buy wool. Then Crystal brings me the delightful knitted fairy book. Hmmm. My telepathy is off the charts lately.

Jenny Fitzgerald: Tanya if you need any help with any thing just say I will be there

Me: Thanks but you are going out tonight

Jenny: No decided not to go lol

Me: Damn. Why not? You should go.

Jenny: No I thought about it, then I thought also how crowded it will be

Me: Yeah Full on

Me: I just heated a tin of spaghetti for dinner. Can’t move much. Did dishes that was all I have managed today

Jenny: Oh no you need more nourishment than that

Me: Never mind. Will attempt to cook a meal tomoz

Jenny Fitzgerald: Have you got an ice pack for your pain

Me: yeah heaps. I am too weak and woozy on the useless pain killers But had to put a wet cloth on my head as I feel like I am running a temp. Just gonna eat and go back to bed

Jenny Fitzgerald: If you need anything just ask ok

Me: Thanks Jenny xxx. I need a jack hammer to fix my back with. A few million dollars a bottle of jd lmao

Jenny: No worries lovely I gathered from this afternoon your not in a good place, I would have come around if I knew crystal wasn’t coming over I thought she might of helped you

Me: yes I know

Terina Edwards: I’ve just brought a tens machine I think you need to use it

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Pain. Not much sleep. Hello Saturday. Good Shabbes! Another day in Paradise.

27 January 2017

Shabbat Shalom. This little Heathen has lit the Shabbat Candles and sung Lecha dodi (had to Google it as forgot most of the words). No Shabbat wine or Challah but a nice little affirmation that I am still feeling Jewish!

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I had a lovely Straya Day! Jenny and Brendan spoilt me with a BBQ and a swim, then with Lamingtons. Then Jenny and I went to dance for Taxiride at the Treasury Casino, then for Rush Hour. We had a ball but got tired by midnight so came home. We had a cuppa together then I got home at 1ish.

Thanks Jenny for a lovely day. Xxx

Jenny Fitzgerald: I had an awesome day I truely enjoyed it, I know I got a little to much sun, no worries it'll be right Happy Australia Day all. Aussie Aussie Aussie oy oy oy

Fav part was spending the day with you Tanya second Fav part was getting the youngons revved up when taxiride came on, I laughed, still laughing, probably keep laughing till I fall asleep, Mate no worries lol

Me: She'll be right Mate. I discovered in the shower that my back was burnt too. So much for sunscreen. Oy oy oy! You were hilarious. Love you Mate! x

Jenny: After I went for a shower I put aloe Vera on the sunburn that cooled me right down good shit

Me: Good work. Sleep well lovely lady! X

Jenny: love you too. I Might go too sleep got to work in a couple of hours nite nite xxx I got Brendan is snoring in my ear atm

27 January 2015

I have done all I can. Nothing left to do but Let Go, Let Love. Karma will be Karma. Nothing to do but Wait.

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The people who were seen dancing were thought to be Insane by the people who couldn't hear the Music. Friedrich Nietsche

So now the lunatics deprive me of my right to drink and dance in an Irish pub. Out of spite and envy. Or what? Did the music in them, Just Dieeee or did they never really hear it? What are they afraid of? Watching me have a good time? Hahaha!

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3 am. Well, well, well, I spent the rest of my night, outside the casino laughing and joking with my Homeless friends who have more dignity and style and respect than half of my so-called Mates at the Irish pub where no one, male or female had the balls to tell me to my face that I was not welcome, and was banned or even why? I am waiting for written confirmation but the cowards really mystify me.

I have never done anything wrong except dance, have fun and whoop up the crowd by doing my thing, having a good time and participating with the bands. (George the Busker and I ended our friendship just before Christmas when he got paranoid that I was trying to take over his busking 'business').

Please tell me that this is not the same situation with the pub, that some paranoid moron thinks that I was trying to steal the limelight from them? If so, I pity them as pathetic.

All I ever did was dance, hang out with my alleged friends (who I found out tonight were fake) and have a great time. Yes, I did protect myself from the attempted rapists and lurid stoned degenerates and yes, if needed I did protect the other people dancing next to me.

Since when is it a crime or inappropriate to say No to some slack-jawed youth trying to shove his tongue down your throat or fickle-fingering you. Seems Management is not happy with me for actually having guts, dignity and respect for myself and others.

Management thinks women are there to be victimised. We must be good girls and take whatever shit is dealt to us, and Like IT.

Well I don't like how I was made a victim of Institutional abuse while the so -called Manager, (I have been fed rumours as to who it is, and I don't know why he has a problem with me? I've never done anything to him. I don't think we have ever had an actual conversation together either).

So why am I being discriminated against, and based on what? Why, when I go to listen to the music and dance, am I asked to leave and why did the manager not have the balls to tell me himself and let me buy a drink and drink it before asking the very sweet and embarrassed security guard to ask me to leave.

Who has slandered me? To what purpose? Surely the silly little girl that I am told is behind it, can't be so pathetic as to hate on an almost 50 year old woman who is not even a threat as a sexual competitor?

I mean really?! I am not interested in any of the younger men there, never have been but my few 'flames' are devastated that I haven't been to the pub, so some do miss me. In fact three of them begged me to come back.

I came back, but only for my own reasons which is, no one has the right to limit my participation in the Brisbane nightlife scene, as I have not done anything wrong by anyone, except I demanded justice and wrote a formal complaint about harassment by a young security guard there who abused me, because I asked for protection on the dance floor.

That same security guard who apparently no longer works there, (possibly due to my justified complaint?) had the temerity to approach several of my women friends from that pub and ask them if they were friends with me, and if so, he had a problem with that. (That is actually a criminal offense and called Stalking and Harassment!) Yet the pub enforced his one month ban and his verbal and emotional abuse.

What are security actually hired for? If a woman who perceives herself to be in danger cannot ask for protection. Do I have to fight for my rights to party???? It's pure insanity. That one month ban ended on 7th December.

In my opinion it was not even a valid ban since it was made by an abusive misogynist who hated that he could not gain power over me. (ie Fuck me!) A real sickoe.

As far as I know there was no other ban, and that was never communicated to me. In fact I still have nothing in writing even though I gave the new security guard my email address.

Misunderstandings and mis-management happen. We are only human, but this is twice now??? No direct communication, only via an employee (security guard!) and no explanation. Cowardice Much?

The irony is, I am meant to be the Insane One. Well, something stinks on the corner of George and Elizabeth Street, and it stinks to High Heaven. I wonder what their true agenda is, and what they have to hide?

Curious and curiouser!!!!

This is all because a glass of water for a Homeless man was too much. LMAO. A Pox on that place. The Vortex of Evil. We rise and shine and fight another day, and meanwhile we dance.

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I popped into the pub. They served me a drink. After I finished my drink, the security guard politely asked me to step outside. I said for what reason? He said he saw I had done nothing wrong but management says you have been banned.

I said "for what reason?"

I said "I want written proof that I have been banned. I want reasons. To ban me for asking for protection last November, for one month was unjust. The ban is no longer in force, so what was I banned for now?”

I told him I had advice that banning me for no reason constitutes a Deprivation of my Liberty. So it is illegal, immoral and irresponsible of Management (or one of the Managers?). I said I can hold my head high as I have done no wrong and banning me because someone dislikes me is Insane.

Tomorrow I will seek legal advice.

27 January 2014

I had an awesome Australia Day last night. I danced, I whirled like a dervish. (It's like being in a centrifuge, you float like an upscaling butterfly and flick off the less than determined punters). I had a fantastic time, and I was as high as a kite mood-wise.

I think I am just so happy that my chicky babe is alive still and I finally managed to pull her through. Lady Death and I have been eye-balling for some time now. She pushed, I pushed back, she breathed down the back of my neck, and I spat in her eye, she parried, I 'trusted' in the Life Force of a very determined bird.

I am living like a Celebratory Hag, Los Dios Del Muertos, dancing in the face of fear, pain, grief, and boy, do my feet bloody hurt and my Achilles Heels. This from wearing Sensible Flat shoes (Jarrod! who laughs at my weird fetish for wearing crippling high shoes or boots then complaining about being crippled.)

I had a great time dancing with Berst's awesome music, and my favourite girls. I had a lot of attention from lots of way too young men. There seemed to be a younger crowd than usual out last night, but it was a great night regardless.

At the end of the night, I had driven Sarah home and the sun was coming up and I was just amazed at how great I felt in spite of the fact that I can't seem to find anyone suitable to partner up with.

I think I will be single for the rest of my life, but it's a good thing, as I love my Freedom to come and go as I please, to spend time with my wonderful friends and to be completely myself with no restrictions imposed upon me by a man.

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Thank you all for your prayers, love and support for my hen Tabitha. She's only a chook, but she is one hell of fighter and a lover of life and an inspiration to never ever give up.

She's a reminder that Love prevails, that prayers and healing are sometimes answered and that you can rise and shine from even a deathly experience. Thanks to God, who gave her a second chance and let me not feel like such an arsehole, having watched Bella, Zulu, Hecate, Bettas and goldfish die in recent months.

I couldn't bear to lose another one. So I am very grateful and relieved and Life really does go on and is Beautiful. Tabitha knows Best!

27 January 2010

I enjoyed today, went to Cleveland Point to see off Crystal on her camping trip, visited my darling Lyn and Courtenay and I had a lovely swim at her place. Then I picked up My Bella Rosa from the groomers. She looks delightful! Downside was I got sunburnt on my driver's arm...little red lobster!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons