Memories: 26 January 2023

26 January 2023

It’s been another scathing hot day. I woke up at 12:12 pm and immediately made a video for YouTube about an intense dream I had just had. Then I spent the afternoon, lying in my hammock reading “Farmer Giles and The Adventures of Tom Bombadil” by JRR Tolkien.

Charley played in the golden rain tree and Beauregard lay on the ground beside me. It was peaceful and happy out in the garden in my Sacred Space.

26 January 2021

Trigger warning: use of expletives and vulgarity to punctuate my point (speaking the only language that vile abusers understand!)

Dear Treasury Casino Livewire bar Entertainment Manager.

If you ever hire that band again, (25 January 2021) I will boycott you.

We women pay our own way and hold our own drinks and our heads high but your paid rape cultured entertainment fucking sucks.

Even Allie Fowler quipped she did not want to share the stage with the male singer “Brian” whomever he was. But the show must go on (that’s show business babies but offer to Root one of us ever again as misguided humour or quick misogynistic repartee I really will quit putting my money and time dancing wildly (thereby contributing to your “scene”) into your establishment.

Last week I was having to tolerate bare female arses...this week having to hear lewd sexual offers to a woman in the crowd.

I realise some men (and women) get off on that kind of thing. I am not naïve or a prude.

But May I suggest if it’s rooting and barearseholing they crave might they take their biz-ness to a Brothel or a strip club that you know...specialise in that sort of thing?!

I don’t want my time or night wasted or my ears digitally fucked by inappropriate washed up former rockstars. (If he ever made that grade!)

Bring back the awesome bands that stuck to playing without Rapey jokes and other bullshit.

It used to be a wild and seedy night without the added extra arsedragging Human Devolution. Yuck!

I know I am not always “travelling” well and am prone to ham up myself a bit but never have I gone out of my way to harm or humiliate anyone. Just saying!

Lift your game!

…

It’s Invasion Day. I feel the palpable mourning of Indigenous Australian people. Divested of ancestors through slavery, rape, murder and the decimation of their culture.

I feel my own long simmering grief as a white woman migrant to this country. When I think of all the abuses I have endured while living here...It’s enough to make my blood run cold and clot and cake in my veins. Become a Mud woman...a golem. Loss of soul...loss of country...loss of life force. Been there, did that...

I don’t belong here. On this sacred land and on this earth. That was shown me many times. White woman Wild Spirit daughter of the gods Queen of her own destiny. Cast to Earth for reasons known only to the Creator.

I have been nursing a post-trauma activation that last night shifted into a kind of depression that I have not experienced before. A grief mixed with loneliness, or perhaps bathos.

I had a wonderful day yesterday so perhaps by nighttime I was merely tired. I sat and watched the band and only danced intermittently. I thought, oh this is you, Tanya undergoing a transition while exhausted. All will be well, you just need to ride through the convulsions of re-birthing.

I sat with a lovely couple in their early 60s. The wife was a joyful spirit and vibrant and kind. She invited me to sit with them. The husband looked nonchalant and bored but his wife said he was tired.

The band was average and the husband visibly cringed. I had to smile. But I too had cause to cringe when “Brian” singer in the band points to a woman near the front of the stage and yells out “I would root you!”

He thinks that’s rock and roll and that makes him Famous. Washed up little coke head. No respect for women and in fact no respect for himself. I utter out loud, sarcastically “that’s nice”. Feel revolted. But I sit through it...the patriarchal paid systemic devolution of every woman in the room. Rock and roll. He needs a stiletto through his eye. Straya day...fuck that. Fuck him...but I digress.

The wife next to me tells me the band had been really good at the earlier session. Hmmm. I thought it was my mood which had plummeted, not the band’s syncopated energy. But after a while the band sparked up again and the husband responded joyously. He especially loved when they played the Divinyls “Boys in town”. I watched him bemusedly. Strange song for a man to find so exhilarating. But I like it too, so I joined in the excitement.

I felt decidedly more depleted at the night wore on. Considered going home early but decided to carry on as my moods shift and fluctuate like little eddies in a rock pool and sometimes I need to just be patient for the next influx of a more positive vibe to cycle through my senses.

In the crowd, even sitting with the kind lovely couple I felt isolated and somehow awkward. Mood disorders do that. Make you feel like you are raw and broken and ragged but you hold it deep inside you as you have tasted happiness (earlier in the day) and absorbed the kindness of strangers who wanted to gift you and bless you and ennoble you and you know, you must stand in your own authority and transmute all that comes your way: the good and the bad flowing into each other, counterbalancing the residues of old traumas and the small triumphs that came before.

I reminded myself that my time is always Now.

But I felt the ancestral custodians of this land reaching out to me. “Remember us...we who were demonised for being Black and whose land you walk on...remember us. You Tanya who have known similar traumas as a White Jewish Woman....remember us. What we lost for this Day. This holiday built from Colonialist Imperialism, from racism...From systemic abuse. Always was...always will be Aboriginal land.

Their cries sear through my spirit.... Outside the crows are cawing. Grounding me back to this moment of reality.

Let Love be the Lore. Biamee is watching. I don’t belong. Anywhere. Not even in my native NZ. But anywhere my feet touch the earth is home. I have no choice but to stand up and be counted and ask the same for all my fellow humans. Awaken to your light and Shine.

Know whose land and culture you are living on and with and share the magic and wonder of the original peoples’ deep spirituality and knowledge of this land…before it’s too late. Our earth needs us to support it and each other.

26 January 2020

I stopped drinking Diet Coke in 1995. But I still have many health issues from it.

They even put aspertame in Berocca (vitamin b drink) which a dentist recommended I take but made me ill for two months until I decided (desperate and feeling like I was dying!) to read the ingredients list. I stopped taking it and within weeks my health returned to my usual not-real-good-but-better-than- that state.

I had a Colonoscopy last year. What is in the preparation? You guessed it. Aspertame.

It really messed me up. It took over 2 months to recover from that.

I was supposed to have a repeat colonoscopy in a September but I refused. (I was still in recovery from Gall bladder surgery!)

I won’t get another colonoscopy unless I start getting worrying changes with my bowels (which tbh will probably be too late).

But aspertame is dangerous and I can’t believe hospitals actually put that in our prep!!!!

…

I am starting Prednisobe as I just had a short walk with the dog and had a bad coughing fit even after taking Ventolin. Scary shit!! I met up with the nice couple who live on my street, walking their little dog so I had a bit of company and Bobo enjoyed walking with little Koko.

So that was a lovely highlight in my day. I joked that I might go dancing and Bobo’s entire face fell. Pete thought that was hilarious. I said I haven’t been dancing for three weeks as it would probably kill me but Beau is getting too accustomed to having De Mama all to himself. But he’s a damn good Dogtor, and gave me lots of love and attention today.

…

Not thriving today. Earache is very bad. But this too shall pass.

26 January 2018

Why can’t I enjoy life without being hammered with pain as a consequence. So bloody unfair. I guess the sciatica has been brewing for 2 weeks. Ie fatigue, muscle weakness, weird twitches on right thigh that make me almost lose my footing. Oddly it is the left thigh that is hurting.

My body transfers pain like a signalman on acid. All over the place. Lmao.

At least I can still laugh at my absurdist life. Like a Salvadorean Dali painting: meltingggg but coherent.

…

Happy Survival Day! May the time come soon when our aboriginal peoples bloody well THRIVE and are afforded equal rights and equal treatment upon this great continent.

Matter of fact this short fat white woman could do with some thriving also.

…

In a lot of pain. Thigh muscles are tight and feel like they have been punched. I woke up and put Charlie outside along with fresh food bowls but had a funny turn so ambled back inside.

I felt like I might faint and vomit and was really freaking out that I might be having some kind of stroke but I sat still and tried to keep breathing deeply in spite of the nausea, and the weird feeling passed.

I splashed my face with cold water from the bathroom tap and just reminded myself that it would pass. Horrible vulnerable sensation.

So now I am lying down in bed and I think I will stay here today.

…

7.15 am. Just woke up with scathing pain in my left thigh. Sciatica. Grrr. I took an Endep right away. Ruby also had pain yesterday in her left hip after our walk down near the lighthouse.

My legs hurt a lot yesterday arvo and evening also. Just as well we had a lovely day as now we will both be in physical pain for a few days/weeks.

…

Mark rang me just as we were driving into my street, after the long drive home from Byron. He said some beautiful but rather strange things to me.

He thanked me for the beautiful time we had shared together as a family and how very much it meant to him. I said it was lovely as I have had no family for many many years and have felt very isolated and of course rejected!

He said he believed that both my children would come back to me as well as my ex! I was a tad horrified, as although as a mother I always hope to reconnect and rebuild my relationship with Jasmine (as unlikely as that always seems to be) I would never ever want a connection with his uncle Micheal ever again.

Like...ew!!! We have nothing in common except for an ancient shared history and the bringing forth of our children. In fact we had little in common and the disrespect and contempt and even attempts to kill me are too much to forego to ever want to have that man in my life ever again.

I told my nephew that I would rather poke my own eye out with a pen than ever reunite with Micheal.

But this morning (3am) I woke up from a fractured uneasy sleep, my bones in my feet and ankles aching, needing my inconvenient nocturnal ablutions and it hit me! My poor nephew was probably unwittingly channeling a spirit message. Perhaps one of my former Beloveds might one day come back.

(Chuckles!) There is room in my heart for only one and it most certainly is not my former and only husband.

He also said he understood now about my difficulties with my daughter. He felt that I was the most beautiful loving person and he looked forward to visiting me again in perhaps 2 years time to witness my blooming out as a person.

He recommended I go to the markets to read Tarot cards as my mother used to do, to make money.

I stated that I did not want to make money by lying to people and exploiting people as my mother used to do and at any rate I desire to live quietly and peacefully as after decades of trauma I am utterly exhausted! I just crave serenity.

But it was interesting that he felt I could be making some kind of living from reading for people. Perhaps it is a viable option in the distant future. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

He also expressed concern that I would be exposed to malicious gossip and viciousness via his mother and my ex. They had already been quite nasty to him on Facebook when he had posted about spending time with me.

I stated that they hold no power to hurt me anymore. They are ex-family and mean nothing to me. But of course they would act out and harass him for daring to try to heal the family curse by reaching out to me and getting to know me on my own terms.

A brave thing to do after all the vile lies and poison they had fed him since childhood.

He told me that he found me to be completely real with no expectations and loved how I just went with the flow of life. I thanked him for coming to see me and even visiting me in my Housing Commission home and not rejecting or judging me in my situation as so many others in my family and former friends had done, sneeringly looking down on me for living in poverty and for being a loser (actually stolen from and attacked at every turn over several decades).

That I am only now finally drawing breath and opening myself up to the benevolent potentialities of the universe. He said “be positive and the universe has your back”. I joked “Of course, I am the Universe!”

He said “Auntie, after everything that was done to you in your entire life you still rise above it and it is beautiful to see”.

I said he was a twin soul who understood me as we had the shared experience of being raised by narcopaths and the shared health issues of bad asthma, so we recognised the suffering of each other. Him as a small boy and me, as a new wife. I was 18 when I got engaged to Micheal and Mark, his biological nephew was 6.

It is humbling and honorific to think how much that small boy (whom I did not see again after he was 9 until now, he is 40) loved me and appreciated me.

Small and random acts of kindness really do send waves of bliss, hope and inspiration into the world.

Butterfly kisses, tsunamis of the dreaming. Miracles of heart and mind. Psy sighs!

The gods and angels are watching and possibly are crazy too, but I have been gifted with an immense satisfaction and a peace. Thank you to all who love me for no good reason but they can!

26 January 2017

On the way out my door to go to Jenny's place I locked myself out. Now waiting on Jenny and Brendan to help me break in to my house so I can get my keys. I am losing my mind, to be sure. My handbag has been left in the car for 2 days so all the makeup stuff I keep in it will be molten.

It is a hot day. Looking forward to a swim when we get to Jenny's place.

26 January 2016

Happy Australia Day! I slept until 8 pm. I danced so much this weekend that I almost killed myself. Back still hurts. But it was worth it.

I had a huge sleep and now the night yawns before me. What to do! Live life large. Making pancakes as we speak (type).

…

4.02am. Home from another big night dancing, celebrating Australia Day. I had a great time with my women friends.

Just before I left to go home I observed an ex (the Moroccan-Israeli prick who strangled me in front of my kids) standing against the wall, watching me. I felt completely numb.

Fortunately he did not try to approach me or speak to me or I would be in jail right now. Unfinished business. Needs to be taken care of. Evil perverted bastard.

But I did not show him any reaction. My friends and I were all leaving at the same time. I walked out with them, like a boss! I haven't seen Terry since 1999 nor do I want to. Hopefully he doesn't start bothering me at the casino.

26 January 2015

Gail and I had a lovely Australia Day arvo listening to and dancing along with Transvaal Diamond Syndicate, who were part of the Beats Cartel BluesFest held at Redland Bay Hotel.

Our Mojo Burned...it almost rained to cool off the Hot Awesomeness but the weather held off. Thank you, Universe. We love to Rock and Roll!

Thanks for a great day out, Beats Cartel ;-).

…

While having lunch on Thursday with Lyn and Annette I put in an entry form to win a Royal Enfield motorcycle. If I win it, I will be getting motorcycle riding lessons and my license. I will be "everywhere" lmao.

…

…

Happy Straya Day and Invasion Day. May all people on this beautiful Continent live in Peace, Prosperity, loving-kindness, and good health. May we continue to thrive, jive and enjoy being alive in the Unity of Humankind on this extraordinary and beautiful planet.

…

4.15 am Hot!!!! Should have just gone to casino and danced in the air con. Have just poured isopropyl alcohol all over me to soothe my heat rash. Now stinging instead. Tired. Thirsty. And annoyed I not able to sleep.

Kookaburras aren't sleeping either. They are having a good laugh in the sweltering nocturnal heat.

Welcome to Summer in the Sub-tropics where even the birds can't sleep in the high humidity any more.

26 January 2014

My Beautiful Brave Miniature Velociraptor who has almost died twice now, is back from out of space, in the void, lost but not gone forever, not yet. She has her eyes open, (a very good sign of stronger health). She Bawked at feeding (spelling intended!) but I shoved about 4 teaspoons of weetbix, honey, yoghurt mix down her throat regardless.

Finally she shook me off, to tell me she was over it. LOL. I gave her water in the syringe still. She is still too weak to self-feed and water. But her head is up and she is fucking awesome! Balls of Steel and life force of Gold. Love her, love her, love her.

She is still not fully recovered but I think she just might live now. Relief is melting through my veins like butter on a hot croissant. All golden and soggy at the same time. (Or is that a crumpet?)

Speaking of crumpets...ahem...haven't had any in a long long time...but I'm going out again to dance with the gorgeous girls on Australia (Invasion/Forced Migration/Voluntary Migration and Refugee day).

I wish to honour the original inhabitants of this land who survived 40,000 years without any interference from Anglo-Saxons from Britain and would most likely have survived a whole lot better but life goes on, and we are all BLESSED TO LIVE IN, (for me, the not-so lucky country, but I didn't vote for Campbell Newman or Abbott....you idiots), this land of golden soil, of heart and toil, of ever-lasting summer...almost but not quite the Summerlands and of camaraderie, laughter, grit, sweat and grime, but swimming pools, omg the sea, the beaches and for poor schmuck cosmic butt-jokes like me (I've been rich and I've been poor, and rich is better...but survival is sublime! Ask my Hen), swimming poolssss, and gorgeous sexy generous loving people who buoy me up instead of putting a brick on my head and drowning me when I am at my most buoyant, effervescent and joyous.

Put a prawn on the barbie. She will smell like fish but she will cook it anyway cos she is hot as. Smoking even. Perfection.

So while I'm flat out like a lizard drinking, and dry as a dead dingo's donger, I want to say, Gudday to all my friends, countrymen and enemies. You are a bunch of Bonzers, and don't you ever forget what we stand for. Freedom and Mateship and a bloody good drink. Some of us get cuddles and sex too, but can't win 'em all, Cobber.

26 January 2012

Another nice day in Wet Paradise! I went to maccas with Gail and Co, then we drove to Mt Cootha, had an icecream and a cappuchino, bought Miss Taly some toy australian animals in the gift shop, then went back to a park near my place so Taly could play a while.

Nice mellow mood! Melllowwwww! Wish I had a bottle of plonk though! :)

26 January 2011

26 January 2010

been a lovely weekend, very relaxing. Today on Invasion Day I got to have a lovely swim at West End with Gail, Christina and little Tahylia. A good time was had by all. Bella gets clipped tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing her smile again!

Adrian Shine: Invasion Day???? I suppose we could all be back in the Iron Age if there was no "invasion",come to think of it ,we might still be Teutonic,or Anglo Saxon or Vikings.A serious bit of reality or realpolitik is called for here.

Me: Well Adrian, as unfortunately I represent the White Race, being currently burnt to a little crisp and yeah not a drop of the darker stuff in me, I find this no cause to celebrate.

In effect, having been raised by a German of Polish Descent who in effect was a survivor of the Nazi Regime and ideology imposed on all children raised and educated in that Regime time period, I for one totally empathise and understand and appreciate the horrors of Conquest on indigenous peoples who were largely unarmed, and ill equiped to fight the White Races. Think cannons, gunpowder, influenza, syphalis. etc.

I hail from Teutons, Anglo Saxons on both sides of my family and yeah they were big on raping and pillaging too. My ex bf, now friend, is also a descendent of the Norse ergo of Viking stock. I am no more proud of the horrors of Conquest committed by my historical forebears, the Huns (there was nothing funny about the Hunny!), the Teutons or the Vikings or Anglo Saxons than I would be of the Nazis, Pol Pot or the arsehole that orchestrated the genocide in Darfur. So yeah Black and Asian peoples can be evil too. It's not about colour per se, but who holds the power!

Our indigenous people, managed to live for 40,000 years in a desert and coastal terrain, without the White Man quite successfully. Then we "invaded" and claimed this land as our own, bringing about disease, social problems, racism, alchoholism, drug abuse, isolation from one's cultural ties, the Stolen Generation and the loss of thousands of languages and culture.

I may be proud to call myself Australian, indeed a Citizen of the World but I am not so arrogant to believe that I am superior, as a White to any other race, creed or colour on Earth. I celebrate our differences but I understand fully that this Planet rightfully belongs to noone. We are all human beings sharing the same Planet, and conquering, suppressing and decimating other cultures, faiths or tradition is not my idea of "sharing".

So yeah I had a lovely "Strayah Day" holiday to celebrate the building of this great Nation in over 200 years of White Rule, but I also acknowledge the original owners of this land and their perspective of this day as Invasion Day. I am grateful to share this glorious, bountiful and beautiful land with all. May there be peace throughout and tolerance and equality and acceptance for all within our borders. Amen.

Dionne Ginsburg: you go girl!

Adrian Shine: go home whitey! oh,I forgot...home changed a bit!

26 January 2009

is full of amazement and wonder at the foibles of men...you gotta laugh or else you'd cry.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons