Memories: 2 October 2023

2 October 2023

Another hot day. I had a long chat with my cousin Megan. But now I am exhausted and drained. I had another bad night last night. It’s awful….but I am now cutting up a pretty piece of burl that came off a branch which I plan to glue on my failed ring setting and hang it off one of my magical staffs. It will look beautiful I think.

I may be weak, sick, abandoned and isolated but I will keep co-creating with the gods until I eventually die. (As my moods and energy meridians allow me…)

I just finished sanding back this piece of burl that peeled off a eucalyptus piece I was wanting to make a wand from. I thought the texture looked interesting so decided to make something from it.

I intend to glue my failed ring setting on it…perhaps hang it from one of my magickal wands…or turn it into a pendant. Not sure yet. But this bit of wood “spoke” to me and wanted to be cherished/ preserved and turned into art. Lol.

I am weak and dizzy from sleeplessness due to my raging fiercely enervated bladder…so I am time fighting, space banditting, as always. Achieving the improbable while circumspectly surviving the Impossible because I am Possible …and a stubborn defiant little Varmint.

Choose life…no matter what…and when you can’t create art or music or great literature…. Well…just Dance! Love you all xxx

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8:40 pm I went to wash my mug and noticed what looks like a child staring back up at me. This is getting a bit weird how the spirits are forming faces and shapes lol.

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2 October 2022

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I just watched Blonde. Painful and chilling but a well crafted storyline. Vale Norma Jean. You always always deserved better. Ultimately the diamonds were not your best friends, nor the stardom, nor the men that made you a parody for their financial gain then betrayed you, raped, despoiled you.

You never found “Daddy” but let me tell you, from one who had too many Daddies in her childhood…you were better off without them!

I too need to give up on the dream of “True Love”. It’s slowly killing me also. And like you, Baby Girl…I deserved better too.

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3:11 pm Outside my living room window.

2 October 2021

Robyn came by with little Koko. So we had a nice chat and most lovely of all I got lots of Koko Kisses. Including a little too much tongue cos she is part poodle and French. 😉

I had to put a stop to that, as Robyn tells me Koko has been sick all week with some digestive problem.

All the same Koko love is pretty intense and delightful.

Robyn says that when she walks past at 6 am, Koko seems to know I am asleep so walks past quite merrily but when it’s in the afternoon or evening she goes insane, as she wants to visit me. Adorable!

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Watching Maids on Netflix. Painful.

2 October 2020

Lovely but busy day! I played music- Loud. Sang along while vacuuming floors, doing loads of washing, watering the garden, cleaned the bathroom, changed my bed linen, aired out the pillows and doona, did dishes, stripped all the cushion cases in the lounge and washed them, aired out the cushions too.

Cleaned Charlie’s indoors cage! That was a huge task!

Varnished a wand I made.

Now utterly exhausted and can hardly walk as my feet have swollen.

But worth it. I still have the floors to mop but I think that can wait until later or tomorrow as everything aches now. However it feels great to have an (almost!) clean house!!!

Oh I fossicked in my worm farm and poured out lots of worm wee so fertlilised the corn, beans and peas (or what remains of them!)

Charlie has been very happy today also. Bobo has been in a weird morose mood but is currently gnawing on frozen cut up chicken necks and frozen dog roll so he seems quite contented now.

The wild mama possum is in her box with her baby.

Everything is peaceful at “Sacred Space” 🙂

I was looking forward to seeing Margot and her daughters but that will happen tomorrow instead. All good. Gives me time to rest before our play date! :-)

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Ever since that buffoon of a dentist worked on me last week, (and week before!) I have had the most intense hot flushes. I don’t see how teeth needing fillings could cause an exacerbation of menopause but it’s getting very very hot.

I am not enjoying this getting older thing.

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2 October 2019

Last night I finally renewed the virus protection on my laptop that Sally gifted me. I am determined (I know I know fucking Tanya world runs Slowwww!) to write my book or books.

I figure if I only wrote a page a day of psychobabbling that I do on fb anyway, (lmao!) then in a year I will have a book and perhaps something publishable.

I had a phobia of using the laptop without protection which is kinda funny as you don’t need the internet to write a book on it. (Tiny nutty ways I hold myself back out of fear of success/failure!)

My intention is to Thrive. Ie become successful in my small endeavours.

Nothing is more terrifying that a woman whose time has come. Psy Sighs.

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I feel like I am Cosmically whirling dervishing. Spinning in infinity. Throwing off all negativity and psychic vampires and their infestations. Spinning tightly into my core all the beautiful things and souls worth keeping in my inner circle.

Holding us precious and then unwinding, unfurling and letting go the ones who were never meant to be trapped in my energetic love signature. The one who played me for a fool time and again, like a nasty little hairy malevolent fae.

It’s time to let that toxic wound seep deep into the earth for reconstitution and reconfiguring. I need to repair my heart and animus. I suffered long enough at the hands of abusers, and other unsavoury types. Even I don’t comprehend how I could love someone that much to empower them to drain me of all comfort and joy.

I will acknowledge that he sparked me up back in 2014. Enough for me to think I was yet worthy of great and true and powerful Love. To keep fighting for that Love beyond all human ken. With the almighty viciousness and sabotage that surrounded us both.

But it’s time to stop grieving and start believing in a new Love. Don’t know who or where or when. It might never happen. It might not be my destiny.

The gods have clipped my wings enough though. Even they are folding their arms and shaking their heads. The Tanya is Stubborn. We tried killing her so many times and still She chose Life! But to what end? - It is still not obvious to me.

I have time. A bit more time to achieve my greatest yet unmanifested desires. Can I do it? Will I do it? Reclaim my innate power as a woman and Rise and Shine Sublimely until my end in this current incarnation.

Yes! Why not?! I dragged myself this far, literally by the skin of my ever-breaking teeth. Without a womb and now without a gallbladder. Shedding organs like a Prize Fighter in the fray. Funny but painful.

But 15 weeks later: I feel ready for another uprising....

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Today I declare to the multiverses that I cut/destroy/revoke/withdraw any contracts with any beings whether human or non-human that hold me back from thriving as a woman/spirit/person in this planet.

I want what I want and have for a very very long time. To be in a loving partnership with an authentic partner. To be surrounded with my loyal loving friends and family. To be part of a tribe/community that values/respects/cherishes and if necessary protects me.

To be financially abundant and free of all governmental controls so I can afford to travel the world and live comfortably in the place I always dreamed to be. To be healthy, whole and wise. To Become more joyous, loving and safe than ever before.

Of course our planet requires healing as much as I do. I pray to be a part of that paradigm shift and enhance the already rising Divine Feminine in my tiny Warrior Goddess ways.

I want to Blossom and continuously grow in a beautiful positive life-enhancing way. I want to witness everyone wake up and witness the Earth in all her fullness become redolent with life-force and spirit again.

I want what I want and I want it Now!! With harm to none! Thank you Multiverses. Xxx

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2 October 2018

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I have cleaned the chicken coop. Brought fresh grain and bedding. I had a gorgeous cuddle from Miss Black Betty, the most affectionate hen I have ever been owned by. It warmed the cockles of my dreadful desiccated Soul, it did! She is so soft and so gentle.

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Looking forward to spending time with Jarrod and Crystal later today. (We had to delay a day!) I am still exhausted and beset by some sort of breakdown (precipitated by dealing with vicious toxic women online, who sided with Kavanaugh in America.)

It hurts me soul-deep when women defend and protect the perpetrators of violence against women. Why? It was done to me. Over and over again. In my own family. Whenever I think about it I still after all these years, want to kill myself.

The monstrous betrayals. That have cost me happy safe loving relationships with men. I either placed my trust in the wrong ones or lost my soul, trying to hold onto dangerous evil men (or female friends).

Only very few have stood by me and stood the arduous tests of Time.

I am still Healing. At 53 years of age. Still trying to find my locus amidst the hocus pocus pock-marked desecration of what should have been a beautiful life for me.

But I hold on...with tormented determination. Where there is my life, there is Hope and Mana and if nothing else I live only as proof to the younger survivors that there is always another way. Don’t be me. I have failed at every aspect of my life and my whole body cries with the despair of it.

But soon I hope to fly free over the mountains, across the sea.

But in the meantime...we Dance.

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I have 3 more sleeps and days of resting then Ecstatic Dance on Friday. Looking forward to my “shamanic” tribal body venting. If I am not too exhausted after I will still go to the casino after. (Although dancing for 6 hours last Friday nearly killed me so I will be gentle with myself.) The exercise is great but it puts me into nervous breakdown mode for the next 4-5 days so that aspect is not lovely.

Not lovely at all. This is what happens when a Mustang Kwe pushes her chronic fatigued traumatised body beyond the realms of ordinary mortal existence. But I love the Dance. I love how my spirit workers come to me afterwards (or during in the Zone!)

I am in the unusual position of not having to work so I can sleep and recover all week if I need to!

My life: my choices: my body! My spirit (Neshamah!)

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2 October 2017

2 October 2016

My hay fever sneezing running nose settled down while at shule. Walked back in the house and it's like a whirlpool of snot just opened up inside my head. Ugh!!

I must have something in my garden that is unsettling my delicate inflammatory response. Like a delicate little flowering bundle of shock. But happy thoughts...

Thanks to Sally for the deliciously awesome English Breakfast tea and OMG...so much chocolate. I got home, tore open the tea bags and the tea is just heavenly. Hugs. (Saving the chocolate for savouring later).

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Sally and I had a nice time at shule. We met up with some old friends from New Orleans, who are living in Port Moresby. I told them about my dream about Milne Bay.

So Charles showed me some pics on his phone of the area and some dancers from Milne Bay. So that was the unexpected connection to my dream as they are visiting Brisbane for the High Holy days. I hadn't seen them for about 5 years.

I feel a bit better about my slowly dying sleep apnea brain throwing out weird imagery and places now. Not crazy after all. Just slightly precognitive. Noice.

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Ran out of tea. Yegods. Islands just exploded. Seas ran dry. Catastrophe. First world but third class citizen poverty blues. Fuck.

So I made coffee. Now need to go to supermarket for tea. Grrrr.

I hate the supermarket. Ironically I was in Aldi on Friday. Asked myself. Do I need tea? Nah came back the third person singular arsehole that lives in my head. Yes, I said to that bum-steering Nobody. Yes. I think we must need tea by now. NAWW That old and doubting Tanya declared. I gave up the fight. Bought other shit instead.

Now you know why you should always listen to only one voice in your head. The still but affirmative quiet ones. Hahaha.

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I rather enjoy my breakdowns. Averaging one a day. Or at least 3 times a week. If I had sex as often as I had break downs I would be a very well-oiled piece of epic machinery. Like a quick-firing Uzi but with a certain dogmatic charm.

Tiny squeaky voice...kill me now. She did not just say that out loud and on FB.

Can you tell I am going to shule tonight? For the sake of Heaven!

Well primed and license to pray amongst the evil Yidden of Yore.

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It's a New Year! New beginnings. New opportunities to heal and to blossom. Shaken not stirred on the quivering Tree of Life. Eitz Chaim. May all who follow it find Peace (but not with those malevolent hypocritical motherfuckers)!

But Hashem asks me to daven so daven I shall. And look each and every enemy right in the eye. I have done no wrong and they know whom they stand before.

Watching some of them slowly wither in their jocks can be amusing if it weren't so sad that I know the true colour of their souls and hearts and minds as well. From personal experience!

It is hard not to vomit a little in my mouth when they touch the Torah or get aliyoth.

But G-D watches and waits and S/He sends me in for an occasional paradigmical cosmological shift. I am as unholy as any of those ignoble sociopathic fuckers but I don't go around destroying other people. Morals, ethics, dignity.

Lol. Just realised I have been drinking wine (cos too broke to afford Jack Daniels) and smoking cigars all week. Channeling my warrior inner man as the High Holydays almost always triggers my trauma issues.

That and being "friended" by the daughter of the vile putrid saggy breasted hag that slandered me 27 years ago accusing me of being a Nazi really upset me. She caused 27 years of abuse from within the Brisbane jewish community. The real reason? Envy. I was young and pretty, had a freehold home and was well-respected.

Now that evil piece of shit wants to advocate for survivors of domestic violence. Herself an abusive Slanderous Narcopath. She is not Safe to be advocating for any freshly damaged or vulnerable women and their children.

She went out of her way to destroy me and my children. Who were only babies at the time and still bore the brunt of her vilification into their young adulthood.

(No one ever protected my children as I protected and defended theirs. Evil fuckers.)

I told the daughter that I hold her blameless (she was a child). But I would like an apology from her mother.

As if that cowardly cur could woman up and do that?

I should have sued her and Temple Shalom. My Rabbi who fought with me side by side begged me not to.

As I am not motivated by greed or malice I chose not to. But the real cost? Equal to millions of dollars. The same millions that shule (lmao! Cos Karma is a Bitch and all!) got robbed of by one embezzler (they did not press charges lol) and later a psychopath who singlehandedly destroyed Beit Knesset and drove many Jewish families away. (Not just the ones he "expunged").

Even "stole" the shule from the Reform movement and "gave" it to his newly-formed and grossly inadequately converted Conservative shule. Like a Perverted twisted Robin Hood. Schmendrik.

On the backs of Holocaust survivors who heroicly smuggled gold coins in their fannies (both Australian and American versions of that word) so they could buy the initial house (a former Christian church) and land to start the first progressive shule in Brisbane.

Some of the Foundation members were Jewish Atheists. (Oy! Why buy a shule if you are an unbeliever) and the other half were on the trot from the despotic orthodox who rejected them for being quirky, mad, poor or having non-Jewish spouses/children/or being gay or you know, survivors of CSA from a certain Reverend.

Either way a Dybbuk resided in that roof and nothing good came through those doors or out of it without being tainted by the evil ley lines of Brisbane which subverts and corrupts every shule (and church and temple) in this place.

One time they sent a handyman up in the roof of Beit Knesset. He quipped "De book really is in the roof". Brought down a Christian text. Timothy somebody. I rolled on the floor with laughter.

Did the fuckers ever consecrate this building or this land to Hashem? I believe I was at a consecration service when they had renovated the building. 20 year anniversary.

But whomever consecrated it in the first place (as by then the rot had set in)???

It does not benefit a congregation to persecute young angry Jewish women and their families. The karma continues to this day. I did not deserve the evil shit they did to me and mine.

I paid a high price for being young, fresh and a bit zealous (with my rose-coloured glasses, being freshly converted). Oh how I wanted to believe in the goodness of my fellow congregants. Oh how I lived in denial for so long until I took to my bed and could barely get up. 20 years a zombie.

Strangled by several Jewish Israeli men. Too piss weak to kill me even when I begged the last one to finish the job. So they "killed" me in other ways. Then had the chutzpah to knock on The Tanya's door on their backslide into heaven. Haha.

Now I ask myself. Why would anyone want to be a Jew. In this paradisical hell hole of a town? Anywhere?

It was a constant question asked of me when I first converted? Why? Why would anyone want to be Jewish? Why?

I thought it highly abusive and strange. But now I find myself asking the same question. Why be Jewish? Human? Alive? If not now when?

The still small voice sighs in its psychedelic dream…Because...

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Haha. That evil schmendrik I mentioned once got smashed at a party given by my beloved German Rabbi and his wife. I was wearing a polka dot georgette blouse. I looked lovely.

But Garek derisively pointed at me (some jealous pique perhaps, as his gay partner had been engaged in friendly conversation with me). Called me "Spotty".

He split his two forefingers in the shape of a snake's tongue (what a fitting projection of his. I was greatly bemused).

"I curse you with the gypsy curses of my mother!"

I threw my head back. Laughed derisively. (Stupid megalomaniac drunk people. Love it)

"You, Garek? You, you devilish cur? Curse me? With your fucking gypsy curses??!" Hahaha!

"I am descended from a real Witch! A Mage. A man who stopped a Nazi cavalcade with his mind! A man who taught dozens of the Rom once a year in Hamburg when they parked their caravans for several blocks around his apartment! (Prewar days of course as the Rom were exterminated along with us Jews)!

"Go ahead. curse me. I dare you! It will rebound on you to the Power of ten!"

(I should know, having lived an accursed life from birth, the power of the ten that karmic debts befit the children to the 7th generation!)

So the fuck dropped his hand. Quivered slightly. Sat down. Shut up. Spotty. I will show you Spotty.

My rabbi or Garek's partner must have ripped it up him. He rang me next day to apologise. I accepted it. Drunks and their stupidity is not worthy of a long Cold War. Haha. But his abuse continued. Unabated. Narcopaths. Never. Change.

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Lmao! I was lying in bed, messaging with Sally when Beauregard decided he wanted my full attention. He eyeballed me to indicate this. I smiled and nodded but kept texting. He knew I was still texting as he heard the bleeps of Sally's responses.

So He lay across my face, snuggled rather strategically across my neck and covered my eyes with his head. Smiling happily and smugly. Lovingly stymied by a love terriorist!

I shoved him off but told him "yeah yeah, give me a few seconds". So he set me a baleful stare but good-humouredly, did it again.

Even dogs hate technology and know when they are being ignored. Imagine how our young children feel?!

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I just had a dream about a place called Milne. It was near the sea but had a river flowing through it. A Hilly place like Wellington (probably one of my composite dreams from my dying sleep apnoea brain).

It had a wharf with trams servicing it. I looked down a rocky craggy place that was damp and the rocks were black (like coal) deep in the crags, slimy worms were traversing them. I ran my fingers down the Rock and commented that it was smooth like velvet.

The other women were artists in their 50's who were very snobby and posh and annoyingly, one kept stealing my gypsy shawl and even my cardigan and wearing it ie. dominating me and I was being very patient with her, albeit pissed off.

I had visited this area with them as one of them had bought a house there "near the sea". They said it was on the Sunshine Coast. The houses were old chamfer boards and looked like Queenslanders but charming.

One of the women sneered that the area was populated by working class labour supporters. I told her off as those workers were the reason she ate so well and lived so comfortably. There was a stoney silence after that. I ignored it and soon we were all on more friendly terms again. (Being haunted by ignorant snobs even in my dreams).

We stopped to visit a restaurant which was an old Queenslander-type house which boasted large rooms and fireplaces. It was rather odd as I stepped into a room, near where we were seated to dine. It was a young girl's bedroom. She was black and had Afro curly hair, aged about 14 or 15. She was beading a black jet bracelet. Sitting quietly and rather shyly.

I commented on how clever she was and she looked up (not at all perturbed that a stranger had stumbled into her room which was an extension of the dining area, but at the end of the room. Not much privacy!) I showed her my own hand made bracelet and she smiled and nodded shyly. I then told her I would excuse myself and not disturb her further. She smiled. Nice kid.

The place looked so pretty and I told the woman who had moved there that I really liked the place and could see why she wanted to live there.

The place had a mountainous terrain that led to the sea and a vibe like Byron Bay or Montville. Very soothing and healing and pretty.

When I woke up I googled it as the scenery felt so real. There is a Milne Bay in Papua New Guinea which is very picturesque but did not look quite like the place in my dream.

I also note Milne being the name of AA Milne, who wrote about Pooh bear and his son Christopher Robin.

Anyway I once had a vivid dream about the Atherton Tablelands when I first arrived in Brisbane but only a few years later found out it is in North Qld. I never got to visit there in real life either, but I never forgot the dream which felt just as real as this one.

Funny how my mind takes me on holidays as my situation (dire poverty) precludes me from any actual travel. Lol!

I feel a Byron Bay visit coming on. Especially now the weather is lovely again. I crave that zen vibe, being by the sea, surrounded by beauty.

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Gorgeous day! Mr Crow just had a delightful bath in Bobo's little swimming pool. Happy bird now!

2 October 2014

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Hah! Watching tv. Just as Steve shared my 11:11 link they start talking about Miss Phillips, my maiden name. It threw me for a moment. Synchronicity at work.

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I bought a Transvaal Diamond Syndicate shirt. I will need to get Crystal to vamp it up a bit. (Off the shoulder!). Can't wait to wear it.

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Sitting, smoking a Wee Willem cigar, channelling my Pop, or Papa Legba. (No rum for my tum!) Pondering who and what will come into my life next and praying for happy loving times with someone special.

(Me,myself and I lol). I think it is time I went to Byron for a day in my Zen Zone.

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I went to Capalaba and bought grain for my girls. I also bought borax and sulphate of potash.

It's a beautiful day so I am now home in my hammock feeling tired and drained as I was up til 4 am painting the cases and gluing stuff on. It's slow progress as I do it late at night while watching tv but it takes my mind off things.

It's been a hurdy-gurdy month with lots of weird synchronicities and the end of a friendship today.

I have reached a point in my life where people who consistently let me down cannot be in my life. I have grown tired of breathing life into dead-end toxic relationships.

I want to enjoy life with happy genuine people. It is that simple.

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Another one bites the dust. Sad but inevitable. Paid back money. All clear. Moving on!

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Trigger warning: losing my religion and gaining my spirituality whilst retaining my culture. Weird…but shamanic as usual.

Tomorrow night is Kol Nidre, Erev Yom Kippur. It snuck up on me. I wish all my observant friends "Gmar Chatimah Tovah". Be Well over the Fast. A heavily potent spiritual day!

I used to fully observe it and I would even get sick from the fasting and I remember feeling spiritually elevated during the Fast in Kadimah days as davening (praying) with others who loved Hashem and each other as a real (albeit small!) community was such a beautiful experience.

Tomorrow night I will be a heathen for the first time in my adult life. I will abstain from sex (that is easy as I am single!) and I will probably abstain from food, but my davening will be super-charged in dancing and spending quality time with Karen.

Some of my most spiritually elevated experiences have been out dancing and spending time chatting to homeless people and eccentrics.

Kabbalah teaches there are 49 gates to heaven. All doors close upon me on Yom Kippur but I have found a way to slide Home base regardless.

I ask HaShem to forgive me but I have my own Way of communing with him that does not involve a shul and an expensive membership or a community of too many people who dislike me or discredit me. Lol.

Funny old world. I am still a Jew but I am also a Wise Woman, a Viking and a member of the Wolf totem clan.

Everything and everyone "belongs" in my belief system.

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Sally Castle: I hope I'm not included in that summary of the shul Tanya 😞 g'mar chatimah tovah. x

Me: Of course not, Sally. I speak of the old guard who, with Harry's death, reverted to treating me with utter contempt. So Fuck 'em! Oops. Sinful again! Forgive my vernacular Berserker expression. My Viking Slipped...

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Another one bites the dust. Sad but inevitable. Paid back money. All clear. Moving on!

2 October 2012

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Not well. Had an afternoon nap then went to Midnight Noodles with Jarrod which perked me up a bit. Might watch a DVD tonight or go to bed early if I still feel crappy later.

2 October 2008

I am delighted to report that Crystal got a High Distinction for her last assignment...clever girl!

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is happy and grateful that the alternator is being fixed tomorrow, funded by Courtenay...I have to pay him back but it's all good.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons