Memories: 12 November 2023

12 November 2023

Today Lyn and I visited the Queensland Holocaust Museum. Powerful and harrowing…but here we are…not a cloud in the sky.

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12 November 2022

11:42 pm. I have to get up early in the morning as I have the plant lovers market tomorrow.

So what does The Tanya do? Lies in bed with epic fucking insomnia…again. Queen of self sabotage! Arggghhh.

I had a lovely day today. My mood was reasonably stable. I went to Anaconda this morning to buy a fold up camping stool to sit on. I am ready for my market day. Even loaded the car on the afternoon.

So why won’t I sleep?! It’s nuts.

(Hopefully I pass out soon!)

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Charley refused to come in the house after our walk. Now she’s literally commandeering my dinner. It’s mince and veges and pasta. Charley is vegan. Wtf???

12 November 2021

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(Article removed by censors)

See circle in red: they are openly flagrantly admitting they accept no liability for their adverse reactions.

DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH!

Oh and I just had a walk with my pets and was literally run away from by my neighbour from down the road (she was walking with her grandkids and Koko).

I mentioned the segregation and ghettoisation administered by palazcuk. So now I am not safe to walk beside!

It would be funny (I was wryly bemused!) but it’s actually startlingly cuntish. Oh well…I know who is Real.

Even my newly vaccinated daughter knows that this segregation is an utter disgrace and an exercise in EVIL.

C’est la vie Bitches. I will continue to live free and if necessary Die Free too.

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Mama T is just gonna plant this here: The Rose sung by Bette Midler. It is a painfully poignant song for me…a teaching from my abusive neglectful treacherous abandoning and worst of all Paedophile enabling father. From whom all my lessons on love became distorted, fragmented and addictive. I inherited his own distortions I suppose in my genomic coding.

If I could take a photograph of my love for other David’s like him, and freeze it in crystal glass or I don’t know, perhaps an icicle’s microscopic frame I wonder? What majesty or beauty? What colours of Hope and longing, desire and bliss would I see?

What would be on show for all the Cosmos to see even from the furthest reaches of the multidimensional multiverses? What would God do with my kaleidoscope of heart and dreams and energy that is eternal?

Will that Energy Field ever permit me my only One? Or am I married to God like a Nun or a Priest or a Monk or a fiercely enervated flying dreaming fighting Shaman in another paradigm that forgot to reset my soul so I could exist in a safer saner environment than this one?

I ask you….Oh Holy One…what the actual fuck?! But He rolls His All-Seeing All-Creating Eye and smiles. Keep going…Little One. There is no You without I and the bonds of eternity are not illusion.

Only the mirror shards and the hologram in your earthly matrix and you know, don’t you Tanya…when you called out to Me in grief and trauma and distress that I Always….always…(!) gifted you Angels and Wayshowers and guides and a love that could not be broken by your distress or occasional burst of pique that manifested as squalling temper tantrums…but that Power you put out, brought manifestations of great healing and triumphant glorious recalibrations of your little short fat Hobbit Viking Woman spirit.

I love you. I SEE YOU and you matter.

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7.27 am. I woke up and it’s raining heavily outside. It’s such a relief as the rain was forecast two days ago but it lingered in the stratosphere with an oppression that was jangling to my meridians and the humidity that accompanied it, was stifling and crazy making.

So today will be a good day to work on jewellery or finish off my decoupage or…go back to sleep.

I need a rest. But my body won’t let me. It wants to be active. A positive sign after decades of it existing in a dormouse state!

I got to thinking over the last few days about my life and the various psychic mediums and other healers who blessed me, prayed for me, sent me positive energy and steadfastly reminded me of whom I truly was and whom I might yet become.

Last night I had a lovely meditation session with my friend Jackie Burns whom I met 20 years ago on Paltalk.

She reminded me how many people on that chat program in the “spiritual” groups thought me completely mad and found me irritating beyond belief but she always stood up for me and fought to include me in her room.

I laughed as it was true and thanked her for her steadfast love and loyalty and yes protection at times as that space could be very cruel and very toxic but I did indeed find some lovely friends on there, most of whom are still Facebook friends!

So here’s to you, Bomber, and Elfybaby (Jamie) and Mermaid (Annie) and Cheerfulspirit (Sheila) and my beautiful Lochon (Nigel) who is in contact with me very often, Mussilady (Lynette) and Pedro, Sera and all the other Paltalkians who loved me whilst so many others indulged in the worst bullying and Othering.

I fought for you all too. I fought for you and I fought for me and over time, I healed myself and yeah…many “normies” or mainstream people still don’t like my energy, my wit, my humour, my very existence and merest survival but that’s okay as they did not walk in my moccasins so have no idea of whom I am and indeed that is fortunate for them as I had to grow through and overcome more abject ghastly horror and abuses than the average person.

So the gods built me this way and I often struggle with the injustice of all of that but I now see the higher reason behind it all. It was to show me the power of my Love (yes even my longstanding unrequited one…Psy Sighs…) the power of my determination to exist in this world with my light and my vision.

My No to Abusers and my Yes to life affirming brave decent kind people who were not afraid to love me and other people like me…people who have climbed out of our Abyss and stumbling and broken, still attempted to fly in the face of great evil.

Even though we were shot down and shellacked and landlocked and dry docked and slubbed and snubbed..we shone through.

A Warrior Goddess is created and re-created a thousand million times and it’s absurdist and excruciating, the catalysing and the galvanising and the Carapace installation after every demolition.

But this is life as I know it. I dare to dream in my classic psychedelic Awareness that I have finally Become!

But the great master always has more evolutions and revolutions in store for me. He wants me to fully acknowledge all aspects of my Being-ness on this beautiful planet and yes…giggles…recently I revoked (not for the first time or for the faint hearted) all contracts with Great Spirit that involve poverty and chastity, and I will add to that War, Dishonour and Hate and manufactured Covidian Madness!

I will continue to live my life in the joy I cobbled together by dancing wildly in strange spaces with odd but generally accepting other revellers: others who healed their bodies, minds and spirits in their own unique ways, mouldering in the darkness of others’ cruel judgements and at times, envy.

I could not have done this life without you, all of you, and yes even my most sadistic cruel vituperative enemies brought me strange gifts that could not have arisen in any other way but from my infamous and much admired DEFIANCE.

Love, my friends, my enemies, my lost loves, and my most cherished steadfast loyal dear hearted ones, is was and always shall be…the law!

The rest is well…nonsense.

12 November 2020

Just for today...I am not going to wear any fucking brassiere. I wore one two days ago that had a loose underwire poking through and it poked me in the breast all day while I worked hunched over my mosaic table.

It stabbed me all day and I felt too shy to tear the bloody thing off because of the leering workmen across the road.

But today my lymph node on the right side next to my boob is inflamed and there are numerous red bruises and welts from the poking offending underwire.

(It did not hurt yesterday and I wore a different bra!) but today...fuck that evil shit.

My beautiful but gravitationally challenged boobs are going to fly free in the face of fashion/social constructs and leering men.

I am not getting cancer of the breast for any dumb Motherfucker (including myself!) My Chest needs a Rest!

Now I bet you, according to Murphy’s Law that everyone in the neighbourhood decides to stop by to visit me. They always pick the days when I am in so much pain (emotional or otherwise!) that I am freeballing and freefalling!

Funny!

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12 November 2019

Kelly Anne: I see a human brain.

Me: Actually the bottom Witch has a child flying on the broom behind her.

Lol the young woman at the bottom looks like she is exhaling or blowing the three or four witches Up the cup.

I think she represents the Divine Feminine blowing life back into our magical/mystical Wild Wise women (and Wise Men!) ways.

They are rising up the side of the mug ergo reclaiming their divine place in the collective consciousness after centuries of oppression, suppression and epic fucking depression.

The women are back in their own unique power and are “flying”.

Happiness abounds.

Bregje Tit: It is very yin yang. A brain side, and a dark almost invisible side with a question mark, it must be the heart side!

Me: My heart is a constantly yearning Question to the Multiverses. It’s rhetorical. Manifested in the Dreaming.

Rico Rel Del: A jellyfish with tentacles from one angle :-)

Kelly Anne: Here exists evidence my brain does not work like its meant to. Lol. Human brain is meant to find faces in things. Mine finds a picture of the most complex organ known to science.. Guess it reflects a "complex" (weirdass) mind.😆

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12 November 2017

12 November 2014

Tonight I ended contact with a man I am in love with. No. More. Contact.

I even deleted his number.

I don't want a silent stalker who actually holds me in contempt and thinks I am weak for loving him.

I am weakened, not from loving but from the shallow callow emotional abuse that is Avoidance and isolation.

I am alone in this world. I have always had to go it alone. Even in my family I was martyred and decimated, again in my shitty marriage and again in my divorce. My mother's will dispute almost killed me but still I hung on. Then I fell in love with another empty vessel.

I have held on long enough. Crystal and Jasmine are both moving to Europe.

So by next year, I will have no family left around me at all.

I will be 50 by then and Completely abandoned. I am afraid that I will live alone for the rest of my life and that I will only ever love abusers. Old patterns are hard to change.

I will have to make peace with the fact I was never fated to be in a loving caring partnership with a man and hug my cats and move on.

12 November 2012

This morning I witnessed my 5th Dawn of the year! I had a fantastic night dancing with my Gal Pals, 2 tiny little Asian women! I look like a huge lumpy giant next to them but they love me so much when I arrived at the casino dance floor they both ran into my arms!

It was awesome but some guy asked me later who I was, as so many people come up to kiss me and I know all their names! I said I am just me and they love me cos I just show up! But it is a bit weird how popular I am. I've never been popular before in my entire life so it is a bit alarming!

I also eliminated two men from my life! A good night's work! One was a major gameplayer and the other one was either one of his pawns or just a using little tosser. So he got shortshrift!

A shame really as he had potential but couldn't be bothered to remember my name or my phone number so I told him to go away as I was no longer interested.

Perhaps I will meet a real caring genuine Love one day but at this point in time I am weary from all the shallow lying tossers I have had a Long History of attracting.

Time to be The Tanya, Awesome, Happy and Free and to just enjoy dancing and my life without Men!

12 November 2010

The Tanya is half-hearted, half arsed, half left and half of a half of a halfwit. Also my house which reflects my true personality these days is only half clean, But as I'm a glass half full type of gal, I'll just dream of chocolate and before you know it, I will be Full!

12 November 2009

G-d is the Mad Scientist and I am His/Her favourite Laboratory Human, so in the Maze of my Existence, who hid the fricken Chocolate? I have finally worked out the buttons don't work and all the doors are closed to me, so you'd think I'd at least get the Booby Trap Prize!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons