Memories: 1 January 2024

1 January 2024

A miserable rainy day albeit cooler than the intense humidity we have had in recent days/weeks.

I am uploading a sensitive raw emotional video to YouTube I made on 14th December 2023 but withheld posting as it felt too fucking insane and worse Vulnerable. But here I am…another year scrabbling in my own dust. Holding my own in a world gone fetid with false lacklustre evil men Still trawling after me. Well that one left on 12th December and hopefully he’s the last of the fake wannabe lovers that inevitably cycle round me at the end of each year. Like a distorted snow globe from hell. Shaken not stirred but nevertheless discombobulated. Back up on the shelf of ignominy and vapidity they go. Wax on…wax off. Shine bright like a diamond, Little One.

When will I ever be permitted by the gods, my own true lover man? Ever? I wonder.

1 January 2023

Happy New Year! What is meant to be yours will manifest! True loves will joyously join with you in heartfelt respectful splendour. Who is meant to be with you in your last years on this earth will stand with you in freedom and contentment.

All the false ones have already fallen away and others not yet identified will slough off too.

Invite only those of pure hearts and authenticity into your sacred space. Life is short: don’t get hijacked by the callow and the cruel the lacklustre and mediocre.

Let your emotions flow in a cascade of waterfalls of light. Heal. Be and be ready to receive all the love long denied you. Expect the unexpected and dance through the glory and the abysmal in equal measure with eyes that have beheld both miracles and tragedies.

But you have outlived most tragedies and travesties so now the pendulum brings you astonishing delights never before calibrated.

Sanguine gnosis. Love is the law. Let your phoenix spirit arise again …and soar.

They burned you down so often that you should have been smoke and ashes by now but instead you transformed from a lump of coal, shiny and stolid to a bright shining jewel in the firmament. (But no one bothered to tell you what and whom you truly are…so it is Time you knew! Shine bright Blessèd One.

Don’t hide your light or your fire. Don’t tamp down or repress your desire. Inspire. Respire. Conspire. Live well and be happy. It’s your birthright and the ultimate revenge on your former family of origin and their henchmen and flying monkeys.

1 January 2022

10:56 pm gosh I am exhausted! I spent the past three days sewing little gift bags from silk and cotton swatches. I also just finished off my knitted gothic faery. She now has her face, hair, earrings and some wooden butterfly and feather embellishments on each shoulder. She’s been lying around, awaiting completion, for a few months!

I also finished both hat boxes this afternoon. They needed another coat of resin and I managed to mar the last coat. It’s been endless. The two hat boxes and two cases took a year and a half to complete. Phew! I don’t think I will make any more decoupaged boxes/cases for a very long time! They are too labour intensive and too prone to things going wrong.

Now that they are all finished I will concentrate on my silversmithing (so far self taught!) and other inlay projects. I will probably keep knitting the occasional faery and continue with my writing.

Happy New Year! May it be a creative and satisfying, healthy, prosperous, joyous, truly loving and peaceful one!

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On my way back home after a quick walk with Beauregard I felt called to take a photo of my stepping stone mosaics. Both of these severely damaged my lungs 8 weeks ago when I was grinding down the rough edges and inhaled too much glass and ceramic dust. I still find myself struggling to breathe. FFS or rather “for Art’s sake” lol.

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Miserable rainy day. But… I have dug myself out of my black hearted depression and have put two more coats of resin on the two respective hat boxes. I am now knitting ears for my gothic faery that needs to be completed…. It feels good to be “back in da room” so to speak.

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Once again for the people /spirits/angels/ tricksters/Fae/hellhounds and halitosis putrescent demons not of my choice, at the Back!

I revoke all Vows of Poverty, Celibacy, Isolationism, Depression, Suppression, Oppression, Disease, Society Malaise and fucking Zombie-ism.

In its place I invite and welcome: true love companionship, sexual intimacy predicated on mutual respect, trust, honour and integrity, prosperity, generousity of both spirit, mind, and body (but not too much ‘cos that shit can get weird!), passion, romance, affection, connection.

Joie de Vivre, full activation of lifeforce: dance, art, music, literature, poetry, exctasy in full expression in all vortices and meridians. Expansion. Joy. Peaceful resolution and rectification of the Shades and the Lost Boys that faked manhood one too many times…walk the plank mofoes! 🙂

In this 3D reality the Tick Tock Croc is biting into our distorted contorted timelines and Time is running amok without any monitoring or equilibrium and the Sephirot are streaming and screaming and my heart is palpitating in trepidation of involution when we know…we know…we really need a revolution to tip this disordered chaos back into a catalysed consolidation of epic, epic treacled treatised treaty.

Twit! I know right. But my brain is off the grind as I refuse to be blind to the dissolution, disrespect and disarray.

But today is a new day and we are gonna be okay. So I say. Hope and pray. Time to play!

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I have taken a dive into declension. It’s okay. I have worked so hard on various projects the past week. Like a firestorm of frenzied activity and an obfuscation of my deepest emotional needs and body fatigue.

I knew this would happen. What goes up…must come down. Calm down. Settle into a morose shadowy exhaustion. Like living in that white fog in the waiting room of death.

But this is just for today…or perhaps the next few days…then I will rise again and flow and dance and create again. With my constant hunger for love and art and musings from beyond the Beyond by yonder and back again.

On my Fibonacci spiral of desire, that sordid streetcar that went Nowhere and broke down in the desert of hell and even the angels grow languorous and gnarly and desolate.

What shall become of me? In this hellscape? Why nothing and everything of course. 🙂 Another day, another year, another breath, another manifestation of Awe.

1 January 2021

Home from a lovely night at the casino. When I finally got to the head of the queue the security guard was so welcoming and lovely. He said “Oh my God, you look awesome! Even your glitter eyeshadow, shawl and even you nose ring matches your makeup and outfit. So good to see you!” I was a little taken aback by his effusiveness so grinned inanely and wished him a Happy New Year.

I reclaimed my infamous “spot” which they tolerated as I said “hey it’s my spot and I am social distancing.” I observed they strictly enforced all the other dancers to dance next to the tables. So I felt very respected and trusted to be allowed my usual spot next to the stage.

At one point a young woman came over and wanted to hug me and I quickly yelled out “social distancing!” She looked a bit upset so I blew her kisses instead. I was keeping my end of the bargain up as I never liked being accosted by strangers in particular drunk strangers pre-Covid so Nothing much has changed in my world!

I had to pay $9 for bloody parking at the Myer Centre as reception Rottweiler refused to validate as I did not gamble. I rarely gamble. The casino parking was restricted to gold card members only so I had no choice to park in Myer centre. I could not be bothered fighting about it. I had had a good night so I am Satisfied with that.

I saw George briefly on my walk back to the Myer centre car park. There were still long queues outside the building waiting to get in ( by now 1 am!)

It was less crowded than it usually is on NYE! That was a relief actually.

Anyway it’s now 2:38 am. Time for a cup of tea and then sleep!

1 January 2020

Today I celebrate my Freedom!!! This was the day 25 years ago I ended my marriage. It lasted 10 and a half years and really...should have ended wayyy earlier than that.

25 years of being a wild free single woman. I raised my kids alone and in the past 10 years have been growing my own Self.

This decade will no doubt bring more exponential growth as I will be 55 this year. How exciting! Amazing! Magickal.

I anticipate a far better future. One way or the other.

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Karen rang me tonight to tell me that one of my former lovers (that I have not seen out in the scene for two years!) was looking for me in my usual “spot” last night. She was watching and trying not to laugh. What would Tanya do? Lmao!

I told her he meets two of my criteria for a partner as he is both romantic and passionate but fails miserably on the other criteria as he is unfaithful and disloyal like all the other dickheads I managed to attract in my “glory days”!

But I did think it was a bit cute that he searched for me. Nice to see I am not forgotten! Ahem!

Interestingly I intuited his approach about a month ago as I had a feeling he would show up for his birthday. The Italian stallion nudnick is a month late.

But it serves to prove to me that my inbuilt radar or telepathy is quite accurate. I thought I only had it that intensely with Dave. Hmmm. A bit scary.

Well I will be civil if he shows up again but I am not going to be lured or seduced into any more torrid unfulfilling unrequited bullshit romances. They never go anywhere. I am done grieving over callow lacklustre men!

Just as well I stayed home last night. I hate the crowds and the intensity of New Years Eve at the casino. Karen said it was really busy. Phew.

Glad I honoured my own intuition for a change. Marco coming up to tell me “I will Always be his girl” would have just enraged me. Done with liars with “lines”. Even if the sentiment behind them, might seem a bit sweet. He kept away for two years after the last time I saw through his patter. Good man. Behave!!!

The really weird thing is my ex husband’s nephew told me just over a year ago that he felt an ex was coming back to me and I should “give him another chance”. I said “ew, no way, nephew!!!”

But then I got my hopes up when Dave started trawling at the same drumming circle (with a gf in tow because still the same predatory game play!!!) then I gave up on that idea as I am not going to put myself last in any man’s putrid “harem”! (even though I still love him deeply for some incomprehensible mad reason!). Now Marco shows up to “look” for me with his gf in tow. Like...um....what the fuck?!

Back in the day both Dave and Marco competed like lovesick lads for any scrap of my attention. But now I am older and wiser and deserve someone genuine next time.

“The only way to win the game is NOT to play”.

Still it shall be interesting to see what they get up to next. I must remember that they are not serious and very likely never will be.

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Humid day. Scathing hot. I had to take a cold shower. Yuck! But am dressed now, ready to face the day. I might take Beauregard to Wynnum beach when it cools down later this arvo. He needs a walk and I crave the sea. Pity you can’t swim there because of the blue-green algae but at least the sound of waves will soothe me.

I would go to Byron but I worry the smoke from the bushfires will make my asthma worse. I am still very unwell.

Oh well. I will get through this.

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10:23 am. A bit of a rough night. Not much sleep but I am feeling the excitement for a new year, new decade with great intensity. There was a party a few houses down so lots of noise as the revellers got in their cars and drive home. But I was pleased for them to have had a celebration.

I kept myself safe from the mad crowds last night so enjoyed my quiet solitude and watched tv.

But yes, this is going to be a huge year. Lots of changes. I feel it strongly. I pray the changes are positive life-affirming and loving. Everyone needs a fresh start. The last decade was like a surrealist horror movie. The only thing that kept me moving through it all was the deep love, affection of my friends and cousins and my beautiful pets. I had lots of intense “communication” from the spirit world in recent years too. Or perhaps as I age and my health declines I am more attuned to the higher realms.

But I know one thing. This life is a gift. A miraculous unfolding gift. I intend to embrace it more fully. One day at a time..

1 January 2019

I am glad I stayed home and rested. Feel much better after yesterday’s gastric horror. I am determined to overcome my physical limitations this year. It will involve eating better. Although I thought yoghurt would be good to line my guts with but hell, noooo! Lmao!

Anyway I think life is improving now and I look forward to better connections, great and true loves and more serenity this year. Onwards and upwards!

1 January 2018

Wow! Goodness, abundance, new life, travel adventures all around me.

I received news of an old friend becoming a grandmother of twins today. Another young friend is due any day now. Another gave birth in 22nd December. 4 new babies in a matter of weeks.

Meanwhile several friends are on trips to Europe and one just came back.

More importantly to me personally, my own beloved daughter returns in 2 more sleeps. Squeeeeeeeaaaaaallllll! She is currently in Bangkok.

I am surrounded by successful friends, adventurous travellers, and new mothers and fathers. So nice to bear witness to all this joyous excitement.

Be’ezrat Hashem, I may also merit to see my own grandchildren and perhaps travel around the world again. I haven’t travelled to Europe since I was 8 years old and that voyage was marred by certain unholy horrors. (My parents’ violent separation on the day we boarded The Fairstar and the filthy paedophile motherfucking crew members).

But that was so long ago. Almost 45 years. My oh my. I survived all of those bestial creeps. Still in awe of my life and how it is still evolving.

Today I joked with Jarrod how my mother would insist on reading my tarot cards then would tell me “You are going to cross water, Darling”. Which means journey overseas.

So today my darling Jarrod and I and our beloved pooches crossed water. Moreton Bay Marine Park to be exact. It was such a beautiful blissful day. We have decided to go every week while it is such a hot summer and enjoy every moment of our time at Coochiemudlo.

Do you know the gods protected our day trip to the beach by letting the huge lightning storm pass us by? We sat and ate dinner at a small restaurant not far from the ferry and I watched the lightning bolts lick the ground only 500 metres or so away. But Thor and Odin did not cast down hail or heavy rain, just let the sky electrify and break up the intense heat of the day.

I was a tad worried on the ferry as we sat out the back in the open air and the benches we sat on were steel or aluminium so if lightning had struck we would have been smouldering potato chips of doom.

But I decided that if we gave in to every single anxiety we would never survive the remainder of our days on earth. We need to be intrepid, audacious and positively (ahem) charged(?!)

Anyway I feel very happy right now. I threw Beauregard in the bath with me so we could wash out the salt and sand. He has been such a good little dog. We shall sleep well tonight, methinks.

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Happy New Year! It’s 3.03 am. I hope you all stomped the daemons of the old year into the ground, made ablutions to the new year.

I went to bed at 11:18pm. Got woken up at midnight by a few street revellers whistling (wtf?) outside my bedroom window. I was exhausted so just rolled over and went back to sleep.

Now awake again. Hohum. Coochiemudlo is calling! Also 2 more days and nights and my daughter arrives back in Brisbane. Very exciting!

Penny is stretched out beside me, being a happy cat. Time to go back to sleep as I have let Bobo out to pee.

The night is quiet and comforting. Everyone is asleep!

Laila Tov!

1 January 2017

The greatest gift that ever came my way was happiness. It is illusory and slips away like quicksilver but when it visits it is wonderful and brings so much light and peace to the heart. I was happy many times during the day. Also gifted with some beautiful spiritual Moments last night on the dancefloor at the Livewire Bar.

A lovely young man protected me from some horrid creep that had pressed himself against me twice in the crowd then tried to move his body between me and the younger man who was holding his gf in front of him as they danced.

I turned to the young man and told him the guy behind us who had pushed between us was being a creepy cunt. So he pressed his arm against mine forming a barrier against creepy guy and danced beside me whilst still holding his gf who seemed oblivious but enjoyed us dancing together regardless.

I was so thrilled to have a younger male actually be nurturing and protective at the same time. A rarity at the casino. I think this was one of the very few times that I have been out supporting live bands in the past 5 years that a male has been physically protective of me.

I usually fend off the drunks and predators myself but being New Years did not want to be overly aggressive and just went with the flow. It was a refreshing change.

Hopefully it will be a symbol of my year, being surrounded by beautiful loving caring genuine people and being accepted and if necessary, protected from the icky stuff.

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22 years ago on 1st Jan 1995 I ended my marriage. Best thing I ever did even though I paid a hefty price for my freedom. I was almost murdered in the process, financially ruined and brutalised.

I have never remarried or even had a partner. The Israeli lovers that came later also tried to kill me. But I gave up on men for many years and then eventually found love again, even if the love never fully found me.

Such is life.

I am happy now. Free. Dancing out my pain and loneliness and meeting other beautiful souls also on their return journey back to wholeness and freedom. I am surrounded by good people and I have finally excised the shitty ones from my life. It took many years but I am finally ready to sail in unchartered waters, and plot my own destination.

I am excited to be in this place and time where so much is still to be revealed and explored.

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3.44 am. Home safe from a nice night dancing at casino with Karen and Jenny. We got to see the fireworks display. Thanks Brendon for driving us in and bringing us home safe.

My mouth is finally hurting again but I talked so much poor Jenny was exhausted.

Now in a hot Epsom salt bath cos my feet are killing me from dancing. A nice cup of tea, some more pain killers for dry socket then off to dream of New Years wishes. :-)

It was a dreadfully hot day and night yesterday. Still 34 degrees today. Ugh. I might have to go to a beach with the Beau.

1 January 2016

Homeless people do look out for each other. I saw my friend, Katrina last night. She had a handbag and told me she had some goodies to give me. I accepted her gifts graciously.

She asked me to sort through the bag. I chose a brand new moisturiser and a sample bottle of shampoo and conditioner. It seemed important to her to be able to give me some gifts. Her most precious gift is Love.

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4 am 1 January 2016. In bed with my beloved Miss Penny. Beau has been out to relieve himself and thought he was going to party with Mama until dawn. Alas no. Back in his crate he went.

Mama got hungry and made English muffins with melted cheese and sun dried tomatoes. Yum! Too tired to have a shower to wash off the sweat from moshing out with Mission X. I had a lovely time but drank water only as I was flat broke. Awww!

The man I am madly in love with, came up and gave me a hug and wished me Happy New Year. (swoon!) I scared him away with my usual desperation/emotional girlie stuff. Damn! But he made my night all the same.

True Love never gives up on someone. Even if I am silly as a wheel. Then I went home after the band finished playing. Mainly because I was hungry.

Now time to Schluff (sleep) before I go Poof. Laila Tov. Good night y'all. Or should I say, Good Morrow!

1 January 2015

I spent NYE with Gail and Tayhlia. Exactly at the stroke of midnight it rained. Gail and I marvelled and rejoiced at the sweet wetness which refreshed our parched souls after the intense heat.

We went to Wynnum beach wading pool in the afternoon. It was sublime to be immersed in the saltwater even though the water was tepid.

We have had a lovely day with high hopes of a better year stretching out before us. Yes!

1 January 2014

Happy New Year to my Kith and Kin.

Praying for a Vast Improvement in my life as I have done for the past 48 + years. I am thinking this year will be the year of my emergent Awesomeness. It could happen. The past 2 months have been joyful with new friendships forged and who knows what deeper relationships may yet lie ahead.

I am very lucky to have lived and reached thus Season. A schehecheyanu! Grateful, Happy, Blessed Woman here!

Arohanui, Love, Amour, Liebe, Ohevet to All and Sundry! Mwah!

1 January 2012

I am so Tired of Waking Up Tired, Broke and Alone. Two of those things can be changed this year. Which one? LOL

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My insomnia is getting worse. Went to bed at 3 am was still dozing but awake at 6 am. Managed to catch some zzzz's but awoke at 8.30am. Put myself back to sleep but woke from my regular Tsunami dream @ 9.49 am. Feel alert mentally but absolutely shattered!

My sleep has been disturbed like this for 5 months! This is the woman who can fall into a deep sleep like a cat in any place or any position. This is getting alarming! Happy New Year! This is the first day in 2012 and the first day I have been awake for. Sooooo tired!

1 January 2011

Day One of the New Year, 2011, my 46th year of Captivity, Objectivity, Subjectivity, Naivete on Planet Earth. Where will I end, and how do I begin....? Is there a beginning or an end or is this eternal quandary and mystery going to bore me to death? 2010 was a very fraught year, I would like to think things can't get any worse but of course they can. Party on, close my eyes and wait some more for Godot.

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I slid third base into the New year with a throat infection and amoxil, authentic champagne brought by Jarrod, some lovely company with Gail, and Tahylia also, and some munchies. Looking forward to Health, Happiness, Prosperity (without stress), Love, Good Luck and other fantasy Resolutions.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons