Memories: 16 December 2023

16 December 2023

3:24 am the hardest thing about my wild Friday nights out, dancing and moshing frenziedly …is coming home alone. I mean…I prefer to be alone but sometimes the silence is bonecrushingly stifling.

But I had another beautiful night. I was lavished with sweetness and affection from my friend Scott. He wished me a Merry Christmas but I explained I don’t celebrate it but have just finished Chanukah.

I told him I am a strange kind of Jew as I dance on the holy Shabbat, as I am feral. He replied “No you are not!” I laughed. I said “Yes I am. Very very damaged and very very wild and defiant. It’s how I roll through life, babies”. He is such a kind man as he gave me a hug and I wished him a Merry Christmas with his beautiful wife and family.

He proudly told me he has been married for 27 years. I replied “A long and happy marriage which I want you to enjoy as you are a good man!” I thanked him for looking after me in the club! I said he’s the best Clayton’s husband I never had. Lol.

“What’s Clayton’s?” he asked. I replied “It’s a non alcoholic drink that people drank during my childhood and so it means something that is not quite the real thing”. He laughed. He said “You would absolutely hate being married anyway, Tanya” I laughed. “Absolutely! I love my freedom and wildness too much”.

But I come home exhausted from my wild exuberant dance and I think…how blessed I am to have good kind platonic male friends who support me in my freedom fighting. Who deeply honour me with sweetness and kindness. Who never try to fuck me or fuck me over. Who just give me a sweet innocent hug and a kind word and bit of a chat.

The highest form of love…respectful, caring, gentle and honouring!

So yes…it’s hard to be alone, but it’s my choice to stay safe and sanguine. I have lived alone for almost 29 years (on 1/1/2024) and if I can get my health into a better state…I am confident that I can live alone for another 29 years lmao!

But without my rare and precious kind friends (and psychiatrist!) I would not have lived even this long!

I am such an eccentric wild woman…but in my own psychedelic dreaming…I am happy. A happiness that came hardwon after decades of ghastly treachery and horror. I am so grateful for this season of joy that has been gifted me like an ancient warrior’s mantle.

Blessings to and from the gods at Sacred Space/Titania’s Realm . Real love exists all around me and in Time the right man (who is single and available!) will choose me even though I am untameable and indomitable and at times, intransigent.

But Scott is right. I do fear being in a partnership as I fear being trammelled, stymied and utterly destroyed yet again. Like a wild animal I act out, or gnaw at my illusory restraints.

I have fought so hard and so long…so very long…almost 6 decades…for my freedom, my Dance, my carefully preserved and valued platonic friendships (of which that circle of trust is very rare and deeply precious indeed!) to ever sacrifice my independence for anyone: man, woman or child.

So I take my friend Scott’s deeply honouring heartfelt affection and kindness and let it soul nourish me to strengthen me for other more fraught, isolating times.

Agapé love is the best!

Love you Scott. I love all my wild and wonderful friends and my remnant family and my psychiatrist. Everyone who has fought for my Joy and triumph on this planet. Gods bless you always xxxx

Thank you for letting me navigate my life with the music, the art, the literature, the heart centred soul nourishing affection, and my wild shamanic dance. For loving me in safe honouring protective gentle ways. For gifting me Hope and Wisdom and Delight.

Time to schluff. Laila Tov/ Boker Tov. (Good night/good morning).

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Thank you to my beautiful friend Lyn who feeds my Berserker warrior Goddess with actual meat. Roast lamb cooked in my air fryer. Yummy! Perfect soul food after my wild shamanic dance “raid” last night. Hearts were stolen, hearts were Kintsugied. Hearts were recalibrated by beautiful souls who See me and Love me in the most astonishingly gorgeous soul nourishing ways. I fucking LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH.

BUT AFTER THE Night’s OVER, THE HUNGER KICKS BACK IN…the hunger for a partner of my own to cherish and honour and be with me.

Then Lyn sends me the remedy of body nourishing and grounding…meat! Lol.

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📸 Look at this post on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/share/v/JuAfAw1wbJrwzvgL/?mibextid=WC7FNe

16 December 2021

Yesterday (in fact the past week!) I was very ill. Tummy issues, asthma and today a roiling anxiety, probably caused by the Ventolin/Seretide and my own inner fire which preserves me in times of health crises.

As my psychiatrist noted yesterday during my debrief: I am incandescent with white rage. Hmmm.

So restless and anxious today! I have overworked myself on my creative projects. But I went and had a coffee at Amanda’s kiosk.

My gp walked by and when she saw me having coffee, stopped and stared at me briefly. Her mouth dropped. I smiled and waved. She smiled and waved back. Then hurried back to her clinic.

I am actively avoiding her. All doctors. (Except my psychiatrist who has proven over many years to be trustworthy with my mental health issues). I am avoiding hospitals as well after the last evil perverted bullshit.

God help me if I get a life threatening illness again. (I mean something to add to my already existing life threatening illnesses…ffs!)

I will have to cede this body sometime. But not today lol!

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Thinking: ouamouamoua first sighted on 19 October 2017.

Covid 19 first reported (escaped a subsidiary laboratory run by both China and the US) in December 2019.

2 years before the world went mad on Covid 19. Prior to that we had bird flu, swine flu and Ebola.

Partial Disclosure on ET’s, UAP’s began last year I think.

Meanwhile the media, governments have run completely amok with pushing vaccines with mRNA technology.

Salivating like hellhounds over their prey. Gaslighting and brainwashing the general mass population with coercive control. Why?

I firmly believe this is about global depopulation. I hope like all the hells I am wrong. But I am not so naïve to think otherwise.

The Nazis used zyclon b gas. Why? It was cheaper and quicker and more expedient than ammunition. A vileness to treat human beings worse than rats in a science laboratory. Not worse…the same.

Now in this 2021 era we have “vaccines”. En masse. Shilled and shrieked by every low- life celebrity cunt entity because they hope they will have this planet all to their precious little entitled elitist selves.

I am going to die as a human. On my own two feet. I am completely okay with that. What I am not okay with is the genetic tampering of us as a human species of slightly more advanced monkeys. Homo sapiens sapiens is fast tracked to becoming part machine.

It’s like a bad b grade horror/sci fi movie. Invasion of the body snatchers and Terminator rolled into one. Throw in a few billion docile compliant “Zombies” and we have our current paradigm.

I can’t fight this: the mass hypnosis is too replicated.

I can only vaguely hope to Survive this. One day at a time. As the gods will it. (authentic benevolent human-loving gods that have almost always had my back)…except when they sent predators my way throughout my childhood and the mad filthy degenerate cunts I fell in love with up to and including recent years too!)

I so much wanted to trust in huMANity! Those were not mistakes but harsh life-threatening lessons for me to grow back into my own light, life force and integrity.

To reclaim my mind body and spirit. And no, it was not fun, or easy or for the faint hearted. It almost did kill me…many many times.

But here I am…Hineini…against my own better judgement. Chosen to exist in this inversion of ordinary reality and hoping against hope that humanity wakes up to itself before it’s too late and ceases being complicit in its own immolation. That is the true insanity.

The gods woke me up in one of my near death experiences…I think it might have been during that fugue state after my suicide attempt in 2015.

I was in a white fog for hours and hours, not conscious of communicating with the gods…but I was brought back for several more reminders of my mission in life…to continue to exist on this planet, in this broken mutilated body even against my own preternatural will because I was promised that I can and will survive…for what outcome?

I don’t know…not knowing scares me. But no one really knows anymore. Knowing what is truly going on behind the scenes might be more terrifying than my mind can cope with. So maybe it’s good I don’t know but ignorance is no excuse for complacency or complicicity in the annihilation of our species.

So I will follow my own sage salient auspicious advice: trust no one, second guess everything…and carry on regardless.

16 December 2020

I managed about 6 hours deep sleep after I finally passed out at 5 am. Not sure why I got launched into insomnia last night? I was quite tired after I got home from my hairdresser. Then got a second wind and worked on my cases then went to bed around midnight but was unable to shut off my brain.

I hope the cbd oil will help. Still waiting for it to be prepared. I hope it’s going to settle my nervous system down somewhat.

Update 16 Dec 2022: that proved to be a scam. I never managed to get the cbd oil as the pharmacy never had any stock so I just gave up on it. At $185 for 25 mls it was too expensive for me anyway.

I have had to manage my anxiety without any meds. Some days are just a living torment. But I fight my way through it. I need my mind to be sober and sanguine, especially in this dangerous evil Covid epoch.

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I took this out of the tiny fridge magnet frame. I will glue it into one of my precious memory lane quirky Berserker boxes. Jasmine might be estranged to me but there were some sweet memories from her childhood.

I am saturating myself in nostalgia and scraps of authentic love from a life that was indeed a living hell. Those tiny fragments gifted me Courage to go on in the style of Winston Churchill’s quote “When going through hell...keep going!”

Or my favourite “When you get to Hell tell them I sent you!”

Hell...exists only in this dimension. A fact of life for many child survivors of sexual (and other!) abuse. But.....a longggg long buttt....my life is Mine now. I am The One I waited for...to save me. My own goddess/Angel/Berserker Queen.

I am happy in my extraordinarily absurdist life. It took 55 years. But here it is...my Becoming!

Today my beautiful hairdresser told me she is proud of me that I have finally reached acceptance about my single status and that I did not get lured by the last overly -enthusiastic guy that wanted “to come see my tables!” It shows that I am not so easily seduced by false men and their perfunctory illusory promises of brief unsatisfactory passion. Hahaha.

I have finally entered Cronedom with enough wisdom to guarantee me a life of aloneness, but relative safety and enough circumspection to see the gamers and their feckless heartbreaking bullshit for whom they truly are.

Acceptance is one of the final stages of grief too. So no wonder I am content in my older age these days. I almost didn’t make it to be alive so it’s been a helluva journey and in the way of The Tanya I am excited and curious for what might yet be in store for me..yanked out of the Mad hatter’s hat while alchemising trash to treasure and shit to spiritual gold.

Wheels are turning, recycling of souls, hauntings and tauntings...but I hold my ground as I spin through infinity and the angels all have reality tv hangovers and are screaming “Hallelujah”. Bless ‘em!

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Energy is high tonight. I can’t sleep! 2:23 am. Wtf?! Oh well. I will lie in bed and rest my body until my brain settles down!

16 December 2019

Now 41 degrees. Fuck!

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Mordor...Mordor. What shall the Precious Golden One doo...but melt or seethe or Schvitz or expire?

Mama T might have to go to Carindale for some free air conditioning as my head feels like it might just Pop! I never handled extreme temperatures well, not even in childhood. Melbourne’s weather used to just about kill me.

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It was too hot to go to Carindale or anywhere today. Also I was ravenous to the point of homicide after drumming last evening. I could not stop at my usual Jackpot Dining as I had the dog with me.

So I did a very badddd thing and went through the drive through at KFC. For which I have paid a hefty and shitty price as my liver can’t handle that much fat or food (even though I scraped most of the coating off the chicken and gave some of the meat to the dog. But then there was the largeee chips and potato and gravy and the coleslaw with all the sugar.

Death by junk food. Stupid stupid but endlessly hungry Tanya!!!!

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I found her lying under my bed, which is unusual. So we are having cuddles. It’s close to the time I euthanise her. (How long have I been keeping her precious!). But she has fought valiantly for her life.

Brave sweet little Viking Princess of a cat. Sophia is the Ancient Greek name for our Mother Earth, for life itself. Little Sophie has lived up to her name.

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Now we have a big blustery wild wind. Inconvenient on one level but it has cooled the temperature down. Thank you God and the spirits that love us!

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16 December 2018

Lovely soothing cooling rain!

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16 December 2017

I had a wonderful night last night. I felt beautiful and powerful, joyous and grateful. Cherry Bomb played Zombie and I rocked out my stress and anxiety and trauma in my death-defying life-edifying dance.

They played my other hard rock favourites as well. Jenny and Karen and Adam and Luke danced with me. The mana and happiness was palpable.

I am feeling so happy to have been gifted this blessing of freedom and happiness. There are still too many dark days and nights but the ghosts and demons of my past are slowly losing their grip on my heart and soul. Well, just for today, eh!

I have a habit of falling into the bottomless fiery pit of Mordor and pulling rabbits out of rabbit holes, all squishy and squirming but cute as buttons and loving them too much...even beyond death.

Rabbitses. My precious. I do love the gentle and timid , the noble and fierce. The soft and receptive.

I am a lone wolf after all!

16 December 2016

Been to dentist. I had a hole. So a new filling. Came home and topped up the ponds, cleaned their filters then watered the front garden and pots.

Now a bit headachy with a sore mouth now that the anaesthetic has worn off. So resting on my bed and feeling relieved I went to the dentist as the pain was getting rather intense.

The dentist was a lovely young Asian/Nzer guy. I called him Doctor but he insisted I called him David. I had a little chuckle to myself. So many Davids.

He was kind and thorough and I am glad I got the emergency voucher as I definitely get better treatment from private dentists.

I was rather cross as I explained I had just completed a series of treatment at the dental Hospital and I kept complaining that I still had pain but they told me to buy Tooth Mousse for $25 on the internet as I have sensitivity. Fuck that. I had a cavity. He said it was hard to spot and they simply don't have time.

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My neighbour Timsa and his 3 kids just came past the house calling my name. I went out to see and they gave me some more pumpkin, cabbage, beans etc. Very sweet of them.

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I found another grey feather on the lawn, just as I was walking back up to the house from my hammock.

A better year is ahead of me. More positivity. Happiness. I just need to keep holding on to my dreams. Keep my head high and never let the bastards grind me down.

I had been listening to my voice memos, especially one really distressing one. So the feather means that is all behind me now and keep looking forward to better times.

16 December 2015

My beautiful friend, Lyn commented on my bracelets the other day. My Viking/Celtic torc the symbol of a warrior. The copper one, with the Greek symbol of eternity, is for my arthritis, I told her.

She laughed. "Great! So you are an Arthritic crippled old Warrior! Not so scary now”. Haha! We laughed.

Yup! Warriors, Time-fighters, space bandits, oxygen thieves and mouth-breathers get old and worn out too. My knee aches every time it is going to rain. I can't feel my feet for 2-3 days after dancing (which I can only manage one night a week for 3 hours when not so long ago I could dance 2 nights for about 5 hours each night.

Slowing the fuck down. Tsim-tsum of my caterpillar waltz amongst the Sephirot. I am contracting and keeping things simple and easy. Possibly emerging for next phase of my life.

It is all good. I have enjoyed the past few years of my life. Ready and curious to embrace the next phase, whatever Life brings me.

16 December 2014

2.22 am. Woke up at 2.11. ( there is the 11 again!

Boy, was I exhausted after the weekend?! Now it's Tuesday afternoon!

I'm in the mood for love, life and dancing. Friday is only 2 sleeps away!

I can do this! :-)

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Soaking my feet. My ingrowns and dead nail tissue have to go!

Dancing is good for the heart, good for the soul, good for the alimentary canal ...but really really hard on the feet.

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2.59 pm. Nice cold shower! Yum!

I am as happy as a Siren that just sang a Sailor to his watery death!

Sing it, Girls!

13 December 2013

3.33 am really muggy in the lounge, perhaps a storm is brewing. I am home from Crystal's, watching Oliver, or the tail end of it. Still a gorgeous movie after all these years. I tuned in to it just as Oliver was singing the "who will buy this beautiful morning?" scene. Sweet.

I am gonna make a nice cup of tea and head to bed when the movie ends, (even though I know how it goes....having watched it heaps over the years). I am still really tired after my big weekend.

I had a small accident in the carpark in the Valley on Sat night so that sucks balls, as I will have to pay the excess to the Insurance company and fix the bloody car. I also lost my glasses...luckily they were only cheap magnifying ones.

So now I need to buy another pair. Not being able to read anything without proper spectacles is driving me insane. Hohum!

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Thanks Lyn for the debrief. I must remember to keep to my lone wolf lifestyle and purge and detox from the toxic syndrome shit that has recently landed on my head. No wonder I am tired, angry and irritable.

I have done a lifetime of carrying other's negativity and I refuse to carry it any longer. This shit must end. I am tired of drowning in someone else's cesspool, not of my making.

I was doing really well for a few weeks there. So time to slough off the dead skin and go swimming again.

I must stay alone or alternatively, only allow genuine caring supportive decent friends in my life. Any thing else is just an old worn out tape that unravelled long ago and no longer fits in my life recorder. Fuck dat Shit!

New Vibe, new Muse, new Life. No compromise, no negotiations. Move forward, move up, or die. I am not going back to Zombie-ism, giving my life-force and time and energy to Vamps.

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So I am here at Crystal's place, facebooking while Jarrod and Crystal are out walking and ghost hunting. (I was too tired). Ramon is sulking under the red velvet chair.

Apparently Grandma Tanya is not worth any Bunny Attention at all. Awwww!

16 December 2009

Feeling a wee bit shattered but not sure why? Could be a delayed reaction to recent events, the whole Christmas Meshuggas and the copious wines I've been imbibing lately. I'm so glad it's Chanukah but the shops are out of sync with my philosophy. LOL

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons