Memories: 23 November 2023

23 November 2023

Roiling with anxiety…but I have made it to Mater Hill. Plenty of time to drink a yummy chai latte and settle my nerves before my urologist appointment. This getting older shit is fragile making. Especially doing everything alone. But it is what it is.

Grateful for my psychiatrist who brought me to this event with his own guts and determination. He wants me alive and well enough to fully embody my next phase of life…however that manifests.

23 November 2022

11:11 am steady as we go, my Hearties…there’s a foul wind afloat but we will direct our course and sail through the storm as we have always done. Hold the line!

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My Xena Warrior Princess bangle came out beautiful! Shout out to The Crafsman Steady Craftin’ on YouTube who was one of the first teachers that got me started on my silversmithing jewelry with Spoon rings.

He’s now taught me how to patina copper and I am delighted with the result. I just varnished this piece and on my wild crazy nights out dancing (You know where…Babies!) I now have some extra hardware to throw at my creepiest weird ass stalkers ahem.

Not really… I worked too hard on this bangle to waste it on malevolent zomboid Wastrels (but if you see a mad twinkle in my eye…you’ll know I’m wishing I could!) hahaha. I wish Everyone was as cool and respectful and artistic as The Crafsman. Much love from Brisbane, I am one of your 90k fans.

Maybe I should start measuring my potential suitors by the “would I throw a hefty copper bracelet at their head?” yardstick. Or you know, would they Buy me a lovely bracelet and oh my…actually treat me with kindness and human decency? Now that would be a twist! How long would that last? Perhaps as long as this bracelet will?! Hahaha.

Anyways…be careful who you give your heart and loins to…there are some really evil vicious entities out in the real world..riding shotgun with men who are just not embodied or in their right mind and their hearts are calcified and crusted and cold as the grave.

Mama T knows…been there done that. Now her creativity involves making beautiful things and sending them out into the world. Because no matter what…magick happens Babies. Love is the law.

Never forget what built you, what broke you and what…like a Phoenix Rising…you had to metamorphose from. Hugs Instagram /Facebook world. I See you.

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12:20 am. Another night of insomnia. Supercharged energy! I only caught 6 hours sleep yesterday morning, from 4:30 am until 10:30 am.

The sunrise yesterday was bright red which usually is a portent of bad weather. But we had a lovely albeit hot day. I had day two of mania, working like a crazy obsessed person on copper bangles.

I guess it takes my mind off the zombie apocalypse. I hope I sleep soon as it’s really getting weird. I feel ready for all out war or some other unexpected event.

My nervous system is just brittle and jangled. Mama T’s infamous last nerve 🙂

My neighbour made some very obtuse condescending comments to me so I think mother hydra’s babies are infesting their brains or consciousness. Alarming!

She complained about my hammering then asked why I walk around the block and don’t go walking in the shade of the forest? Like she wants me invisible and silent (translate that as dead…)

I won’t be dictated to as to where I walk my dog and bird and as I don’t have a husband who is an engineer bringing in a handsome pay packet each week I will continue to hammer when/if necessary. The chutzpah of my condescending neighbours who don’t have any idea that I am striving to just barely survive. Nasty. All of it.

However after watching that video “Died Suddenly” that I posted tonight…I must remember to be compassionate to the vicious condescending creatures. They have potentially something truly horrific growing inside them.

I will need to remain sanguine and strong and continue to keep my distance as much as possible.

Their quiet desperation and barely contained rage directed at me for having the courage of my convictions (and been proven to be right all along!) means they are now actively targeting me.

The other neighbour introduced me to a new resident as “the resident witch”. I quipped with him that it is not cool to “out” me. But really, they are utterly demonic. Dead soulless eyes, envious of my life force, instead of carefully nurturing/protecting their own.

One word: EVIL!

23 November 2021

Just arrived. A jewelers anvil. I am staying committed to my dream of becoming a silversmith/jeweler/artist. Even though I quite frankly don’t hold out much hope for any kind of safe sane salient future in this evil perverted inversion of the Covid Epoch.

But Mama T has survived other worse trauma-scapes than this one. So with my limited funds and my limited existence and my rasping asthmatic breath and my fierce determination to create joy in my own life and in others.

Fighting as I have done every single day of my life: for Freedom, for True Love, for the Breath of Life and for the Zest of Life. For Peace and abundance and for Joy.

I have an anvil but still need to gather more resources (silver! Gold!) and more tools.

But I have high hopes for my future: in spite of everything. Perhaps TO SPITE EVERYTHING. I am creating to avoid the ghastly horror and the deception and the dross. It’s exhausting but satisfying. 🙂 onwards and upwards..Bitches…to my last precious breath.

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Me: Andy Lawrence some auditory hallucinations are also present in Complex ptsd and in psychosis.

But I started “hearing” voices after doing a mediumship/spiritual development course when I was 35. It scared me so much I shut it down (feared for my sanity!)

Only in the past two years have I started hearing voices again. And this time I am not scared. They usually come in when I am absorbed in some kind of frenetic activity like mopping floors or while working at a creative pursuit. “Heard” a voice the other day while I was busy concentrating on carving out wood for an inlay I was working on.

It just said “visitors coming”. I replied “yeah whatever, haven’t seen or heard from anyone for days!” Then I got a visit from a neighbour who brings her little dog for cuddles and later that same day a visit from my daughter which was most unexpected (she finished work early!)

So having validation and confirmation that the “voice” was giving accurate Information albeit random was rather lovely!

23 November 2020

1:11 pm feeling unsettled and overheated! Yuck!

Time to sit in the lounge with the air conditioning and cool my heels!

23 November 2019

Home from a great night of dancing at the casino. I went out to buy a coffee and hung out with Katrina for a while. She had a nice Aboriginal man with her. He was very sweet.

He said he is going to Tully tomorrow to heal himself in Nature but when he comes back he will take me out for a nice dinner. I was a tad taken aback.

I told him “You must be a change in my luck as you are the only man who has offered to buy me a romantic dinner in about 20 years”. (The last dinner date was that fucked up disaster with Gordon ...Jesus!) The man said “No I mean it. I want to have a nice romantic dinner with you!”

Of course I told him thank you for the lovely offer but did not take him seriously. He said something in the way of a blessing “Never stop being you, Tanya, you are a lovely woman!” I grinned impishly and replied “ I am actually quite feral!” And giggled.

Katrina said “No she is not! She is a lovely woman!” I had to chuckle to myself. They have no idea how complex I am but I soaked up the sweet authentic love anyway then drove home to a hot bath!

I can’t imagine going on a date with a potential sexual partner now. I would have a complete meltdown. I am so used to my asexual/celibate/ wild free independant lifestyle! But it was such an unusual offer that it blew my mind. Cute!

He noticed I had a big lipstick kiss on my cheek. He said “Hey, who’s been kissing you?” I laughed and wiped my cheek, “Bloody women!” I had danced with some lovely woman earlier in the night and she had freaked me out by introducing herself to me as Kylie then said “nice to meet you Tanya!” I stared at her in shock. “How do you know my name?”

Cryptically she replied “I know your name because I know you love to dance!” I just shrugged my shoulders. One of the regulars must have told her my name. Odd! But all good.

I said “Okay let’s dance!” She was shy at first, or anxious and went to get her bag to leave. I said “don’t leave. Just relax, enjoy moving your body and let go!”

Later she said “I love you!” And planted the kiss on my cheek. I just smiled. She later danced with other regulars so I was happy to see she had gained some confidence. And yes, letting the music move through your body is one of the best healing modalities there is!

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10:49 am. Less that 6 hours sleep. Asthma is bad too. But it’s a glorious day. So we Begin again. The journey to Love and healing and Wholeness continues... dancing in my own triumphant celebration of the new Tanya that is evolving daily and nocturnally. Eternally.

I hope I find a lovely partner before I shed this incarnation permanently. But if not... Psy Sighs...I have found happiness and peace even in my own Brokenness. Love It. A lot!

My beautiful friend Lyn told me yesterday that soon I will be seeing Angels in human form EVERYWHERE. I have always had earthangels come to my aid in the many varied darkest periods of my life. But she said No this will be your awakening. Seeing them manifested all around you.

So last night, I did indeed see Angels in the homeless community. Real ones too. The aboriginal Elder who invited me on a date that exuded so much warmth and peace and joy even as he admitted he was going Bush for healing of his mental health issues. I said “going to Nature is good healing! After all, who hasn’t got mental health issues these days!”

I suspect he liked me as I had been so kind and supportive of his young friend who had just begun (with the excitement of youth!) a new romance.

How we all love a new romance and it’s attendant anxieties! I hope it works out for the young man. He (like anyone!) deserves a strong beautiful love that is powerful and edifying, loyal and loving and authentic. (Don’t we all!!!). Giggles.

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Me: Looks a bit like a Wandjina spirit next to the bird. Hopefully more rain is on the way!

Megan Phillips: whilst I was in a bar playing pool and its name was the phoenix tavern once, complete with the phoenix rising from the ashes outside it in neon.

Julie Goddard: I see a Chinese dragon

Me: Chinese New Year comes up in early February I believe. Interesting....

The dragon is also emblematic of metamorphosis . I am starting to get a bit scared on my imminent future! Big big changes.

Bregje Tit: Told you you are a phoenix from the flame ✨ I also see someone leaving, carrying a child, a positive decision to leave... 💖.

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23 November 2018

3:52 am. Awake again. What do the “spirits” want from me that I am denied another night of sleep 😉. Come on guys...I have a body to nurture and protect still. Let me rest!

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4 hours sleep. Omg! The plumber is coming to put a camera down the sewer drain in the afternoon. I am so tired. Tired of constantly seeping effluent. Of my life which keeps getting weirder. Of my poor health. Of Poverty. Of weird betrayals.

However Amanda (my friend who owns the little coffee shop outside Woolies) was so lovely yesterday. She thanked me for bringing Light and Joy with my giggles and silly stories and for making everyone who had coffee with us feel uplifted and special. She said I brighten people’s day and it is a beautiful gift. I was a tad surprised but thanked her.

It is lovely to be Seen and Loved. She said I am Adorable. I told her I walk around with my own permanent darkness which I barely stave off by elevating my vibration as much as possible.

She said “Well you bring much joy to others in doing so and I can see why psychic vampires would try to drain you of your life force. Don’t allow it!”

What a wonderful woman! I said I was thrilled as I like people to encourage each other, not tear each other down. That I intend to manifest Joy in my life as there is no other alternative as I have lost so much. She nodded. “You do that Tanya!”

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The plumber is here very early. I only just got out of the shower so had to quickly throw clothes on. Fml! Oh well

At least the sewer drain will get inspected.

Comment from fb friend: yay for the plumber

Me: Yayyyyy! (He was cute with awesome tattoos but I didn’t hang around to perve. Bad enough he has to shovel my shit. Also far too young lol

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23 November 2017

On bus heading home from Specialist. Well, that was a waste of time. It’s stress he says. (yeah I knew that). Gave me a few exercises to do which involve putting my fist against my jaw and pushing against it. Um, that is how I got jaw issues in the first place?! Duhhh!

He acknowledged that being strangled 3x in my 30s probably did contribute to damage of muscular-skeletal framework. No yawning, or laughing widely, no eating burgers! I am to stifle yawns with my fist. Wow!

I might need a Care plan with my utterly useless uncaring GP to see a physiotherapist if it happens again in January. He says!

Meanwhile my beloved shrink tells me yesterday that I am brilliant, articulate, witty, a great writer so he thinks I should study trauma studies and do a degree in sociology or international relations. Or join a book club?

What the fuck? I can’t afford to be alive nevermind do an expensive degree and anyway I shut down in exams. Wtf???

I told him I need to start my own nightclub and make money! Even he got excited about that idea! But um? Where would I get the capital to start that? The fucking tooth fairy?!

Round and round we go, going nowhere faster and faster to obliteration!

Dickheads! I should have trained to be a doctor so I could give out shellacked nonsensical advice to unsuspecting mature age trauma victims.

Copyright: Tanya Desiree Arons.

Aka The Tanya

Aka Furious!!!

Kelly Anne: Theres a gd name for it though. "The Toothfairy Club"... Has a certain ring to it dontchyathink? 😜

Me: after being robbed of teeth by incompetent greedy dentists in the past two years, the tooth fairy probably owes me Big Time.

Oh, and the specialist kept going on about my dental implant until I told him it was bought with my small inheritance and it had nothing to do with what is going on with my tmj.

Then to cover his own arse he raves on about how he and his colleagues also specialise in implants and where did I get mine done as it is a good one. So I told him. Then he agreed that the implant had no affect on the tmj issues.

Then he recommended a supervisor named Amy at QE2 as a “very good dentist” ie he agrees that I have been receiving low standard care. Jesus! My blood was boiling by the end of it.

Anyway THE TANYA IS BITTEN DOWN NOT BEATEN DOWN.

Then I raced down to Post Office to post the voucher off so the Specialist could get paid (as I forgot the bloody thing this morning). It cost $1 for one stamp!!! Wtf?????

When I asked if it would get there tomorrow or next day the woman says No, a week. Unless I pay another fifty cents for priority postage.

I walked out in disgust, posted the voucher. This country has gone to the absolute dogs. Australia Post used to deliver with 2 working days for .60cents.

Now every little thing is a huge rip-off. It is absolute insanity!

(Comment from another fb friend, who is also a registered nurse, and a Survivor of CSA)

Fuk girlfriend , Im hearing ya.. Bloody useless specialists //doctors..

Me: All those years in medical school and they come out as douchebags. Grrr!

My psych means well I guess. Wants me rehabilitated and studying so I can be prosperous later but who will hire an older woman with severe c-ptsd????

I can’t even fit into a ukelele club, a casino culture, a pub culture or a writers group. I have been vilified and harassed and worse stalked at every endeavour.

I even dropped out of university as a teenager due to awful odious abuse. Why the fuck would I ever want to put myself through that again?

My fb friend: Bless ya Tanya. Believe it or not your one special lady !! Fuck what labels theyve tried to put on you x

23 November 2016

Awake and aware. Debrief at 3 pm. Meanwhile the day yawns ahead of me like a gaping jagged crevice. Damn. I could, you know… let the hours slip by, by doing housework. Take all my windows down and scrub them. But uh. Not sure I have the energy.

Some days I just want to scream and cry. But I did that last week for my thousandth nervous breakdown. Now I am just done, numb, and turgid with anticipation. I have to stifle the grief and put one foot in front of another and believe in my own capacity for living life to the maximum albeit on a pension with no family. Isolated, but free.

Better this way than navigating a sea of enmity as I did for most of my life.

The sun is leering down upon me through the leaves of the tree I ponderously hang beneath in my hammock. Hot sun. Burnt soul. Desiccated heart. Fractured mind.

Clean windows Tanya! Perspicacity will brighten your perspective. Clarity of mind. Visionary delights. No pulled wool. No delusions. Hurts too much? Let it! You created this reality. Loving the loveless. Fighting for affection/attention from another lying cheat. Then cry over already spilt and let's face it, sour rotting milk.

Because you are awesome. A spirited warrior of Light.Fight.Love.Give.Dance. So they can watch and laugh at you. But you always have the power. You always laugh last and best. Remember that other vicious ignoble prick? Haunting your front door? Hahaha! Sorry not sorry but who is sorry now?

Old wounds got torn open by spirit. New ones being staunched and stemmed by spirit.

Do nothing Tanya. Real loves will know. Real loves always always know what you did for them and what it cost you.

23 November 2015

12.35pm. Alcide and I just got up. We were exhausted from the excitement of beginning our new life together. Mushu did a protest poo in the bath. All good, easy to clean up.

I can't trust the hens with Alcide. Especially Frieda. She attacks him. He got a fright this morning because of her. So we went back to bed and he snuggled beside me until he got too hot then he lay on the right side of the bed and stretched his tiny body out but kept an eye on me. We are going to be great friends.

Penny has pretty much accepted him right away (but she grew up with Bella so she knows all about Pomeranian Love!)

Queen Sophie is contemptuous. Socks is mildly disgruntled and Mushu is intrigued but lost his shit (normally a very clean boy).

Little Alcide (normally a clean lad also) wee'd on the rug and then pooped in the kitchen floor. Probably settling in nerves. No big deal.

He is very clingy today. Probably because of the marauding psycho velociraptor that, being a silky, looks like a white fluffy version of Alcide. I will keep the hens away from him in future. She moved too quick this morning. Other than the shock he is fine and quite contented now.

He is a Big Love for such a tiny puppy! :-). Best thing I ever did.

23 November 2014

The History of the jews can be summed up in three sentences:

1.They tried to kill us.

2.We Won

3. Let's eat.

So I sat munching on my chicken kebabs at the park across from Casino, even though George had a fight with me about hanging around dancing too long, as I am not his partner (nor did I ever claim to be ffs!).

Then I saw Steph and had to avoid him as he ignored my attempt to keep contact ie I have embarrassed myself for the second time this year over getting mixed signals from men. (Meh!), then another friend blatantly lied to me. (triple meh!)

Then most upsetting of all I accidentally deleted years of notes in my iphone. Which was going to be the inspiration or material for my book if I were ever going to be motivated to focus and sit still for a year or two.

Farrrkkkk! Now I will have to re-process memories without the actual facts and feelings of each encounter.

I fail again at any chance of getting my shit together. Might as well not even try. Just be covered in shit for the rest of my life. (As long as it's my own. I have shovelled enough shit from other people, for several lifetimes). Next stop...

Alzheimers and adult nappies!!! Yay!

At least I got to have a little fun and freedom before I die. Woot!

Oh and shitty lives...well, that is just the best fertiliser for beautiful things to grow out of. (Lie no 50 million that I tell myself each day! ;-) )

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2.13 am. Time for a major evaluation and overhaul of my life.

Too many false shallow friends with their knives in my back. This year has been a grievous year for that.

I am Done with the Bullshit. Seriously Done.

Other than that I had a nice night dancing, and have come home, disappointed but stronger than ever.

I got a bit of revenge back at the random security guard at the casino who attempted to provoke and humiliate me on Friday night.

There was a brawl on the dance floor that security completely missed. About half an hour later, that guard was standing near me.

I went over to him, said "You missed an assault before."

He said "Yeah we got it."

So to let him know I remembered him from the previous night and to paraphrase him, I said "Glad to see you are feeling well tonight, then".

"Thank you ma'am" he smirked.

Then I went back to dancing and after a few minutes he went away. Anyhow, plus one for the team, minus three for what happened when I left casino. 3 traitors for the price of one.

The wheel of fortune keeps spinning out of control but fuck it! I actually won $20, so that was a pleasant gift from the universe. True friends are forever and the rest are just like sunburn, it hurts for while, then you grow a nice new skin, bit raw and pink but thicker. Until the next "burn".

Such is life. Moving forward. Happy to see that as old doors slam shut in my face, I still have fresh vistas to look forward to, in bonny open new double windows.

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I must be getting psychic or perhaps more psychotic! The other day I heard the word Verlobung (engagement!) and then 2 of my friends on Facebook have gotten engaged. Wow! So happy for them!

Love is such a precious and beautiful gift.

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My comment on a meme that says:

QOTD: "Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself." -unknown

Sleeping is fine, with one eye open and a knife under the bed. And yes, I have had to do that in my day!

Just don't fuck anyone crazier than you, or worse, attempt a mutually exclusive respectful loving relationship.

In fact, I will be sleeping with my cats for the rest of my life.

7 months celibate and I am actually at peace with that. Sex is for people who have raging 'mones, a need to breed or an axe to grind, or for a few lucky souls who have beautiful nourishing partnerships.

It has become a weapon at worst and a transaction at best. I love myself too much to sell myself short ever again! Or worse, much much worse to give myself away, to idiots. That has made me just as big an idiot.

It hurts that none of my lovers have ever really given a rat's arse about me but I am so used to that and I should not be. I deserve better. I just can't ever get Better. Too much abuse. Done and dusted.

Oh and Advice I once gave my teenaged daughters and their friends. Never dye your pubes purple. (It turns out like a blue rinse!)

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5.13 am. Still awake. Sunrise was pretty as I let the chooks out.

Lots to think about then a snooze before I loosen up my remaining marbles and they disappear, never to hit the jack again.

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I am really looking forward to going to Byron Bay this Friday! I need some time out in my ZenZone. Communing with the sea, sand, and the magic that is there! Yes! Yes! Yes!

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Just saw 6.11. Lol. The elevenses are definitely grabbing my attention.

I will have to wait and see what the actual portents mean. So far it's been intense.

23 November 2013

Woohoo! I had a great night. I wore my new red and black cherry blossom corset and my black gypsy skirt and my 9 inch platform heels.

Gail lent me the money to go out. I had a great night, in spite of one of my male friends doing everything in his power to make me jealous lol.

So I went upstairs to the night club for a break from the infantile head fucker who weirdly followed me up there and tried to seductively dirty dance around me while I sat very bemusedly studying his Casanova Gameplay which I am totally aware of and quite bored by. I refuse to play emotional games. It is beneath my intelligence and dignity.

Next thing I knew a very young groom-to-be wearing a bridal veil Bounced over to me, danced around me, which I was also both wary and amused with. He put his hand on my waist and hoisted me in the air.

I gave a little shriek of delight and surprise then adjured the young man that he should put me down as I was way too heavy for him and that he might injure his back. Meanwhile jealous guy saw the whole thing and looked mortified!

So that is what happens when the Universe dishes back a nice cold plate of Karma Baby for his ongoing power struggle to upset this little Jewish Witch.

Bazam Bam! Thank You Hashem! Your protection of me is Awesome!

I also met a nice man at the end of the night and we had an interesting chat. He complimented me on my outfit and asked what I dress like during the week?

I was impressed as I have been asking Hashem to bring me a man who is not put off or intimidated by my dress sense ie has the brains and life skills to see it as a costume and only one aspect of my persona.

His friend was asleep on the chair so I didn't take cool guy home as I told him it would be mean to leave his friend there alone. I said Loyalty is important to me.

I regret not taking him home though as he was interesting and smart enough to have worked me out. Oh well, better luck next time. I am Loving my Life.

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Early morning jobs accomplished:

1) Cancelled my ATM card which is still missing

2) rang BCC who transferred me to urban Utilities to fix overflowing flooding manhole thingy at my front gate.

Now waiting for them to show up but ready to sleep.

Laila Tov Y' all. Time to snore the day away.

23 November 2012

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends and their families!

23 November 2011

I feel desperately tired today but after listening to my sleep recording I understand why! I coughed and dozed all night and only fell into deeper sleep around 8 am and was awake again at 11.30 am.

That with the heat and the impending Storm makes me want to run amok so I took Miss Bella to the Small dog park and now we sit like the proverbial Mad Dog and English (Wo)man trying to figure out why we are here!

Also storms make me horny which is damned annoying when you are perpetually Single! All I can say is Watch out Fellas on Fri nite! (Hopefully storm will have blown itself out by then taking my sex-crazed Capt Ahab Persona with it....or not! LOL).

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I spent the day in garden again. I wonder when I will cease mucking about in wormwee and compost and get hold of myself and do the actual housework? Garden looks good though! Fuck it If this keeps up I'll have to live outside! So tired but worked hard today.

I moved some errant raspberry suckers back where they should be growing and discovered that some are getting berries already! Still waiting for the storm so I can have rain, glorious rain. The sky is being a stingy grey Hag and holding all the water in murky grey clouds but refuses to drop her bundle!

I feel like throwing a stick at her, throwing a Tantrum and/or doing my famous Rain Dance. As if all my watering lately hasn't been a great big hint to The Universe!

23 November 2010

Still haven't dug the Weeping Rose in, but I got a spurt of energy so I finally finished cleaning the driveway and my front path. It all looks nice and clean and it's amazing how much lighter the concrete is without 7 years of lichen, mould and other greebly ecosystems. Might have to do this task more often.

Ps Weeping Rose has two remaining blooms on it and is just a gift from G-d. It cost me an arm and a leg back in March but it's worth every penny. Hopefully I'll dig a big hole for it tomorrow if it doesn't rain and let it settle in permanently.

I was worried I might have to move and uproot it, but with the interminable Will Dispute I don't think that will happen for a couple more years. It will do better in the ground, I'm sure.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons