Memories: 19 November 2023

19 November 2023

I had a lovely afternoon at West End drumming. I had lots of cuddles with little Ivy, Belinda’s Belgium Griffin. Ivy was very disappointed that Bobo not with me. Belinda said she had no idea he had died. (I am fairly certain I had told her months ago, but I decided to just let it go.) I told her the grief has been terrible and I am not over it yet…May never be. The vets had been so sadistic.

Then I took myself to Jackpot Dining for my favourite crispy beef in Peking sauce with steamed rice and spring rolls.

Then I drove home. I literally pulled into my driveway and had just parked when my iPhone rang. It was Robyn telling me that Ailsa is now bedbound and they even have to bathe her with some contraption on the bed. Very sad. She went down quickly.

Today Ailsa was diagnosed with Covid but the home told Robyn that Ailsa is not very sick with it. I had not seen or heard from Peter or Robyn for several weeks so I was glad to hear from her even though the news about Ailsa going into decline with her dementia is upsetting. But at 94 it had to happen eventually. Bless her. I told Robyn I have missed little Koko also.

My moods have been a bit labour today and my lungs have played me merry hell. But I am okay.

19 November 2022

…

My lungs are betraying me…again. I just coughed up something really revolting. I overdid things yesterday. I was too exhausted to go dancing and went to bed by 10:30 pm. I actually slept for a change too. I woke up at 9:22am. I still feel fatigued.

I hope I feel well enough by tonight to go dancing as I miss it. I will have to see how I go? If I rest enough during the day I might summon up my dancing queen spirit by nighttime!

There’s mould on my ceiling again, so that explains the icky thing I just brought up. I will have to scrub the ceiling and walls again. I made plenty of clove oil this time so I will use that too. My house is literally killing me.

19 November 2020

Beauregard is extra playful and happy tonight. I told him earlier that he is going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon.

I think he is really excited! He also seems pleased and relieved that I have finished working on the mosaic table. It was taking way too much attention from him.

I feel extremely tired after pushing myself to complete that project. It had become somewhat of an obsession.

I was too tired to go out to buy something for dinner, (felt woozy so thought it would be unsafe to drive!) so I heated up a tin of Watties Spaghetti.

I will have to rest well the rest of tonight and tomorrow so I can make it to my first face to face appointment since Covid began.

19 November 2019

Two points: his former wife who supports him 100 per cent had her own sexual proclivities that led to their divorce. Toe-sucking a wealthy Texan oil baron comes to mind. Yes I AM old enough to remember THAT scandal.

I wonder about the safety of their two daughters at that time period. Daddy naffing off with convicted child sex offenders and Mummy being completely inappropriate in public spaces with tycoons.

Ffs.

As for the comment about the “varnished authentic” interview.. give me a fucking break. Abhorrent. All of it. Specific memories of a night out at Pizza Express and denials about his ability to SWEAT! Sweating much...??!! Vile.

Her Majesty ...if she has any heart and soul left after her putrid offspring’s appalling sexual misbehaviours must be sooo embarrassed and ashamed.

…

…

I have just blocked two Shaman friends for their condescending vile antisemitic views.

For the record. I am not confused.

If you are on my page and you think for one moment in your pie-eyed genocidal attitudes that the Swastika can ever be reclaimed or rebranded as a symbol of peace fuck off my page.

The swastika is ancient that is true. Peaceful it never was. Study the upanishads where they describe a nuclear or energy war so powerful it turned almost everything to glass.

Peaceful.... we are living in modern fascism. It is everywhere. When they come for your beloved family, or your own self tell me again how fucking peaceful YOUR SWASTIKA IS?

Wear it with pride so the Jew and the witch in me will know you intend to rape/torture/kill me! Show me your true heart and perverted minds.

Evil Dickheads.

I am so angry with myself for trusting or even liking and supporting these people. Like a fucking fool.

But it is a part of my metamorphosis. Instead of looking for “spiritual leaders” (who are just plain ignorant clay-footed gimps!) I should have followed the teachings long ago from my Paltalk friend Arcan. “Everything you need to know is already inside you...LOOK WITHIN. Trust only your own Self. Accept no other guru/master/teacher/guide”.

I shall put my faith back in my own discernment and power as a woman. I should never have floundered as I have done in the past few months. Had I not been so ill it would never have happened.

…

Tiptoeing through the Tulips. My dad’s favourite song he sang to me with the ukulele and then Mum hooked up with “The Tulip!” Sigh. But there were a few happy memories in the river of tears that was Denial.

I am okay. I have good men in my life. Men who would never strive to hurt me. Men who value cherish and honour me. My beautiful handsome adoring platonic Loves.

…

Today’s Whimsy! The spirits of the coffee have been quiet the last few days. There were no grounds or images at all.

But here we are...back in da room! 🙂

I see a tower. Or as we are all adults here... what looks like a phallis at the opening of a vagina or womb.

Perhaps it’s a lighthouse seen through a telescope? Perhaps it’s the Tower from the Tarot which represents complete utter devastation then rebuilding from ground zero which we have had way too much of with these unprecedented extreme bush fires.

In this one if you turn it upright I see a Balinese or Thai dancer. Even her headgear, sinuously dancing. Lovely.

At the very top it looks like a pool with a single lotus flower or perhaps a rosebud.

Very cool! I just love my morning coffee now. (I am not usually much of a coffee drinker but I was gifted in ABUNDANCE from beautiful Sally who has always been so generous to me!

Sally...who would have thought that your sweet coffee gifts would reap spiritual gifts of their own? Giggles.

Ooh ohh underneath the lotus I see quite distinctly a man’s face peeping out, in profile. On the right of the column. He almost looks Elvish. How astonishing.

The face at the top right looks like an ancestor. They have the classic Phillips snub nose and delicate features like my cousin Megan.

I have the round Slavic head, high cheekbones of my Polish ancestors but I also look a bit like Connie Philips too. Remarkably I looked a lot like my Polish jewish mother in law.

We were both of short stature, chubby with Slavic shaped heads. Although she was much shorter than I. 4 ft something . She only came up to my shoulder. For the first time in my life I felt Tall compared to her.

Btw those Slavs or more specifically Russian raping Cossacks were everywhere in Eastern Europe so the shape of them often comes out in jewish families. Sad but true.

The almond almost snake-like eyes and the sleek contour of the man’s face eerily look too much like David “The Devo” Davidson. Get thee to Gehinnom, you evil cunt. Get ready. I will meet you and all the other Abusers in Hell! It’s going to be quite a Reunion.

As God is my true limitless Judge. Line ‘em up... one fine day I will be a-coming. My wrath knows no bounds. Into the next paradigm I call upon my avenging and protecting Angels. Keep those dirty treacherous vile bastards far away from me and my true family/friends/pets/sacred space!

All they can do is Spy. From every dimension and all I can do is Rebuke, Purify, surge and resurge, rise and shine and stand in my own Mana, Love and Honour.

The things these men tried to utterly destroy in me: grew back. Hahaha. It’s beautiful, innit?!

Here I see, instead of the Tower, 3 beings or people standing. Perhaps a woman holding a small child? They are dressed in robes.

TRIGGER WARNING!!

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There are more faces and what looks like the number 25 and a “V” above it.

Nov 25 is Cees Yahrzeit, also his mother’s birthday, also the date he was kidnapped by the Nazis from his bed and put on a train to Mittelbau-Dora.

Well... he can fuck off too. Sorry but no, you are also not welcome in my energy. A lecher a traitor and Splitter. But 25 years ago I did right by you, Cees. I did not humiliate you as my mother did as you drew your last breaths in this incarnation. I even fucking held your hand (under orders from my mother!) as you slipped out of your earth suit into the Void.

You gargled out my name. Afraid to die. Perhaps as death claimed you, you had a nice little life review and you finally realised how absolutely evil and vile you had been to me as a child and the epic treachery with Gisela, the hells you put me through as an adult woman.

My kids adored you. They had no idea. No idea why I followed them when you lured them to your bedroom offering the lollies. Unwilling to leave you alone with them for even a moment.

Yes I remember well the dead eye you gave me and I peered just as deadly back at you...”you don’t trust me Tanya”. No. You forfeited any rights or privileges of Trust when I was 9 years old, 10, 11, 15 and even 20, when you groped my pregnant belly hoping to touch my little, as yet unborn Soul, growing inside me.

That as well as my own father. Groping my heavy pregnant breasts from behind me as I washed the dishes. Disgusting… both my “fathers”!

Yet I was expected to put on lavish Christmas dinners and Micheal was expected to invite you to the TVNZ studios for lavish Christmas dinners at his work so you could feast on the back of your own daughter. I sat there and almost hoped you would choke!

But that was actually a backhanded favour as it brought back flashbacks and memories of my abuse and I was forced into a breakdown and much later after I left Micheal, I began therapy.

But you robbed me of joy in my pregnancy. Flooded my body with ptsd stress hormones that was not good for my beautiful innocent Crystal. And so the secondary trauma began...you Bastard!

You too can get thee to Gehinnom. Wait. Keep waiting. I was good to you, my monster. I have been good to all my monsters.

What the fuck was that even about? This need to prove myself Good and Worthy and Deserving of Love, protection and acceptance.

The unloved spawn of Gisela and her utterly filthy henchmen (and woman!)

I am So glad I burnt your photos recently. There are many more I need to burn along with that yellow teddy bear. Burn and burn and burn! Will it change anything? Of course not. But it is symbolic and cathartic.

A cleansing and a purging in preparation for my new life surrounded by real authentic loyal faithful loves. Friends/family and perhaps...perhaps...perhaps even a life partner one fine day.

https://youtu.be/F5N7qNid79s

19 November 2018

What is truly meant for you will always come back to you. With greater Love and Light and Bliss and Peace. In the meantime, be yourself and allow the healing to take place. Let go, let G-d. Believe and get ready to receive.

Thank You!

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…

Buggar all Sleep last night. I must have slept too much on Saturday and Sunday. Expect hypomaniacal rantings and ravings. Mama T is wired!

…

So anyway...I have slept in the spare room for the past 4 nights as I was waiting for my feather doona to dry completely before sleeping in my own bed.

It was a nice change in perspective. Almost like being on holiday in my own house. I slept really well until last night when Socks decided he had had quite enough of Mama T and Beauregard and even Penny sleeping in his bed and bedroom. So he perched himself on the metal railing and window sill and hissed and snarled above my head at 4 am.

I had been in bed since midnight but was only snoozing in 30 minute increments. Socks was fairly pissed off and I totally understood. He had waited 4 nights to reclaim his territory.

Beauregard wanted to fight him but I said No. It is time we went back to my bed, Bobo. So I picked him up and carried him back to my room while Socks bristled and glared indignantly.

So then I was seriously wide awake so I read some lusty bodice ripping novel while bemusedly musing over my own ineffectual love life and smiling to myself about a former lover coming to stare at me while remembering with some tenderness our long ago passion spent together, then remonstrated myself for living in the past like an old dishevelled rejected Hag so rolled over and caught a few hours of sleep before once more greeting a new day.

It was colder in my bed as I had made the bed up but only had a sheet to lie under so of course that did not help my insomnia as I require a big heavy doona to cocoon in to get any sleep (even though I variously kick it on and off due to overheating with menopause lmao). So it’s like a fucking sauna and a workout most nights.

I considered snatching the doona off the spare bed but I could not be bothered getting up again and upsetting Socks even further.

I am so tired! But happy. Mysteriously happy. In spite of it all.

19 November 2017

I did a brave thing today and tried something new. I bought my ukelele 5 years ago and have barely utilised it so I went to a ukelele jam.

I got stuck in traffic (the universe sabotages me at every turn!) then had trouble finding the venue, crossing the street at Park Rd Milton several times. I even stopped to ask a man who had no idea so crossed over again and found the place directly opposite.

Then I could not find the front door as it was on the side and sort of camouflaged. (Another punter had the same problem later so I feel less stupid and less crazy). So I walked up and down, looking for the door while plainly seeing the ukelele players inside, all sorta staring at me like mullets.

I walked to the back of the building but that was the toilets! So I walked back to the side and found the door. Omg! I walk in and everyone was seated playing their ukeleles and stared at me.

So I almost crumbled and thought fuck this shit and wanted to go home but I was inside now. Wedged right at the door. Quick glance. No seats. I was stuck.

So hohum, The Tanya summons her dignity and dumps her bag and jacket down and drags out her uke and I go to tune it (this is funny!) but my tuner has gone flat. I almost felt like bursting into tears. (Fake it ‘til you make it Tanya…because people suck!)

So I play on my out of tune uke, trying hard to keep up as I had forgotten most of the chords. But after a while I just sang along, played the chords I did know. (Quietly as I am sure my uke was out of tune) and as time passed I got into the vibe and had a pleasant time.

The organiser had brought a cute little dog who had welcomed me when I walked into the bar. I had been so happy to be welcomed by such a delightful entity. She kept coming over to check on me and see if I was ok. Nice little dog.

After a while I relaxed and felt less stupid and homicidal so I ordered a beer during the break. The woman bartender was friendly at least. Then I went back to my “spot” at the door.

Other people arrived and they were warmly welcomed with a friendly “Come in” from the organiser. Hmmm! Eventually a young guy arrived and I saw him go through the same hell I went through, searching for the entrance. I tapped on the window and pointed to the door. When he stepped in I said “I Know! I had the same problem”.

Near the end, the organiser thanked everyone for coming as it had been such a rainy day and welcomed new people, making eye contact with another table then eventually me. I held his gaze to acknowledge the “welcome”.

There were mostly men there and couples so that was my outcast crime I guess. Anyway, I enjoyed the sing along and got a bit quicker picking out chords and also had to overcome my usual social anxiety and fucked up alienation.

One of the guys made a crack about Neil Young being a paedophile and someone else quipped about Rolf Harris. I said “Yeah I was bitterly disappointed in Rolf when that came out!”

They nodded. Made another Neil Young crack (why does child sexual abuse follow me like a permanent stench every fucking where I go and when will it ever end?) so I got a bit annoyed and smiled and dryly stated “no one here seems to be very Young”. That ended the paedophile allusions.

Anyway, there went I, making enemies and influencing people just by showing up as I have always done, no matter where I go! Courage and tenacity. Like a limpit on a craggy oceanic rock, thrashed by Fate but I stick to Life cos I came too late. Whatever! Fuck it!

Megan Phillips: I'm so proud of you cuzn, go you n Neil Young..really, I can hardly believe that one but you cuzn, you rocked today ❤ you xo. Animals see your ❤ my cuzn n they know its a good un, bless you.x

Me: Oh and I was dressed nice. Like I made an effort Not to stand out! Just the bullshit with not finding the doorway to The Scratch bar, I must have had fury and frustration all over my face so they decided (quite rightly) that I was a fucking Victim. And that hurts. Immensely!

Anyway. Music soothes the savage Tanya! Rock on Babies!

19 November 2016

9.44 am. Awake. I went to bed st 8.30 pm last night. I am glad I stayed home and rested. The augmentin for my hand must have knocked me down. But all good. My foot is tingling (the one I had septic arthritis in in March 2012) which is odd. So I am glad I got the antibiotics to kill the bacteria in time.

If I feel better tonight I will go dancing. If not, resting. All good. Not going to flog my own half-dead horse. Not anymore.

19 November 2015

Hotter than a suckling pig's breath on a charcoaled spit. Even in my hammock which covered by the mosquito net feels like a cocoon. I might emerge as a sweaty fried up butterfly. Schmeh! All good!

…

1.31 pm. I woke up to stinking heat. I raced out to put little broody Helga and Heidi in an ice pack. Too hot to squat on a nest.

I brought the washing in. The topper is still wet but it takes several days for the feathers which clump up to dry. I gave it a beating and left it out there. I threw freezer blocks in the large fish pond. They get overheated too.

Now I am pondering what to do today. My hands are aching with an arthritic feel to them. Storm coming? Or just the heat? My neck is still sore from moshing on Saturday night.

I had the nightmare that all my teeth fell out. I was chasing Crystal around (she was about 13 as she had kidnapped 20 pedigree rag doll kittens from pet stores and one Dalmation puppy and was hiding them in exclusive rich people's apartments and I had to keep apologising to the rich people and getting the cats out of there. Crazy dream.

One man noticed my teeth falling out and I showed him my tongue which was split down one side so I decided to go to the hospital. First time in many nightmares that I actually decide to go to the hospital and only because my tongue was split. Progress lmao.

I am sure I dream that dream because my tongue and teeth get dry from my snoring and burping!

The kitten and dog vignette is abundance and feeling guilty about such abundance.

3 more sleeps. I will not feel guilty. I deserve Alcide and he deserves me. It will be another Big Love. A constant companion. He can go out with me on my adventures. It is going to be awesome!

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1.19 am. Just had a shower to wash off the lichen and mould from the back wall. I have been making lanterns in my laundry. So industrious! I guess after sleeping for weeks it is time to get things done.

I am exhausted. Knee aches, feet ache, back ache but I feel like I had a good day getting more odd jobs done.

The only thing left to do in the garden is cut up dead saplings and branches for fire wood. If I can be bothered.

Time to Schluff! Good night! Laila Tov!

19 November 2014

I just got home from my debrief, then a shopping spree at Garbo. (Garden City is enormous now!). I had a late lunch/early dinner.

I got home to a Sacred Space "killing fields". Another dead toad. That makes 2 this week. Blech! I hate toads. Unlike the dead rat, the crows (or perhaps the Kookaburras?) didn't eat or fly away with the carcass.

It was mysteriously sitting on my pathway, legs stretched out like it was still hopping. I flipped it over as it looked like it might still be alive but alas for him, Nooo. Big holes in its belly.

Psy Sighs. I hate touching those things so I flicked it with my rake into the undergrowth of my giant Jade tree. Everything was wet from the storm and I didn't feel like burying it.

My “pet" crows are being very useful. I thought about salting the toads last night but I hate making them suffer so horribly. Now I can relax as Ragnor and his crow family are eradicating them for me. Woot!

Thanks Universe!

…

I told my psychiatrist that I had been banned from Irish Murphys, had finally let go of Dave and that my moods had been running high this week, after all the crap of the last 3 weeks.

He looked at me and said "You are not Crazy, Tanya. You are too coherent. You are exhibiting the signs of Freedom after all that Evil, you have let go so you are Free!"

He is so insightful! Thank God for having such a wise and intelligent Doctor.

I told him about my animal and bird companions in my Sacred Space and how wonderful it is to be surrounded by great spirits in animal form and I also told him about the indigenous woman I met who comforted me after that bastard Eli emotionally abused me at the pub.

I said that for every bastard who tries to destroy me, another Earthangel steps up to the mark to comfort me and remind me why life is worth living.

He said, "She has a great spirit as Aboriginal people often do and she recognised that you are a powerful woman who has been disrespected and mistreated". He said "Men fear your sexuality and your Power!"

I said, "Dr, I rarely chat up the men at the pub. Very rarely. I am always dancing and if they are interested they have to come to me. That is how I know who is keen!"

He said "You are a powerful woman". He was disgusted at how I was treated. I told him neither Irish Murphys or CSO security had even responded to my complaint. Too gutless.

I told him I won't go back for more abuse. I can buy a litre bottle of Jack Daniels and get creative at home. I told him I was probably targetted in advance of the G20 as Newman would not have wanted colourful, wonderful characters like me about!

He agreed the govt turned our city into a police state and a ghost town. He said when he left for the weekend people were on the roads in droves. Afraid to stay in the city.

I said, "There was nothing to fear. Brisbane was used as an experiment to see how the govt could shut down a city. The cops were too busy doing the Nutbush outside the pub to take anything seriously. It was cute but unprofessional. They probably all got put on a charge by the Chief Superintendent if they saw the video. It's insane but funny."

…

At shrink, so I checked out Beacon lighting as I was early. My current obsession is Copper pendants that I want for my kitchen. $249 each. I will have to look out for copper bowls in op shops and drill holes in them to make my own. Everything is so fucking expensive!

Then I went up the road to Pet Barn and priced dog mattresses for a pomeranian I can't afford either. Now suitably irritated, agitated and depressed.

Herr Doctor can't cure poverty but I can laugh about it and take my meds like a good little mental patient and dream of opulence.

Yayy! Psychedelic Dreamer never runs out of colourful Hopes and Dreams. Manifest that, Bitch! ;-)

No man, no money, no hopes of either, but I still got my health (Hack, wheeze, pirouette!)

I need to dance this weekend to clear out the heebie jeebies in my mind, body and soul.

…

I got up at 12 noon, as Crystal brought my car back. She was exhausted so fell asleep on the couch! (I have a perfectly good spare bed, so go figure!)

So I go outside to let the chicky babes out. I threw them some frozen watermelon as it is hot again. Ragnor and his Missus Crow joined in the fray to get some watermelon. So cute! Then he pissed me off by dunking bread in my waterfall in the pond....arrgggghhhhh!

Then I went to bury the dead rat, but Ratty was GONE! I suspect he has been taken by one of the crows, or worse his little furry body will turn up dismembered in various parts of the garden, like a lorikeet head years ago that used to keep appearing in the lounge, next to the couch. It was macabre, like the Rainbow Lorikeet Zombie apocalypse. I would throw it outside and it would magically reappear next to the couch!

That dead head scared Jarrod...Gail...Crystal before finally an intervention was held and I was forced to throw it out in the Otto bin.

I was fascinated with it. It was sort of mummified. It kept coming back!

I love Lorikeets, I have kept several over the years. So it was not an act of cruelty. The thing had died weeks earlier. I just wanted to see how many times it would keep reappearing... It was Many!

So this time around, I am not looking forward to the Zombie Rat Apocalyse. Like ewww!

I miss seeing that bright orange beak appearing in the lounge room. I should have kept it and glued it to my wand. Haha! That would have been great mojo but would have creeped everyone out!

19 November 2013

I slept the day away. My chest is still bad. I have been out in the night, hanging out washing. I also cleaned the filter on my fishpond pump.

The pond is looking good. The waterlily leaves almost cover the surface now. I am still trying to clear it. I put more barley straw in it. I think it is slowly working.

19 November 2012

19 November 2011

Still pretty crook but still spent time in the garden. It felt good having the sunshine on my chest but I did end up sunburnt. Everything in moderation, as they say!

19 November 2009

Still waiting on rain. Weather Bureau says No, but I say Yes, and expect it tonight even...wonders who will be right?

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons