I Think My Brain Is Melting

I sip on my coffee. It’s 9:13pm. I’m bored and I want to go to bed. I’m too scared to look inside myself to put into words how I feel about life right now. This is making it incredibly difficult to write. My inspiration has gone sour.

What do I do now? And why am I so scared? I hate to admit how scared I am but there is no courage without fear, I guess. You are probably wondering what it is I am so afraid of. Well, everything. My life feels like this rollercoaster that I have no control of.

I fear what tomorrow will bring. So many times in my life I have expected something good, only for that something to turn out stale. Maybe I need something to look forward to. It’s hard to say. I want to look forward to each day. I want to find excitement in each day, rather than simply trying to get through it.

I keep hoping writing will bring me the joy it once used to. However, I keep coming back around to this problem of fear. In order to write anything good, I really need to be able to do an emotional inventory. That’s where my best inspiration comes from. I can’t handle that right now, though.

Emotions all feel like too much. I found myself even trying to hold back a smile or a laugh. I’m scared if I feel anything at all, I will feel it too deeply and lose control. I don’t want to lose control. It feels like I have a good handle on things right now.

If that were really the case, though, I would not feel this way. I must get a handle on my emotions while still feeling them. Maybe I should start by doing exactly this… writing. There was a point in my life when writing was how I expressed my emotions. Maybe I should get back to that.

I take a deep breath followed by another sip of coffee. My German Shepherd snores on the couch. The cats are both asleep as well. My oldest son giggles in his bedroom. He should be asleep but, it’s a Saturday so I will let it go.

I start thinking about bed again and the fear swells up. I remind myself that this feeling is called insomnia and I have medication to help with it. Life would be unbearable if I didn’t have something to help me sleep.

Tomorrow I will make sure I have a good day. We might not have control of the things that happen in life but, we do have control of our mood. Tomorrow, my goal will be to stay in a good mood. I bet this is going to be a challenge.

Isn’t challenging ourselves part of the point of life, though? Isn’t this how we grow and become our better selves? I want to be my better self. I don’t want to be unhappy every day. This is an achievable goal, I think.

I sigh and tell myself that I need to be more confident, especially when I write. This all boils down to that fear I was talking about. It may seem ridiculous to be so fearful but, life has not been kind. At all.

I take another deep breath. I can do this. I can get through this. It’s just important to remind myself that I have the strength. I have survived 100% of my rough days. The fear can be mastered.

It has to be. I have to get out of this funk. So, I will write every day and I will find things to enjoy in each day. After all, life really is beautiful, if you stop and take a look at it.