Coffee? Tea? Who- ME?
Subliminal power moves were suggested to me. Did I ignore them?
I was ‘counseled’ after a regional meeting because I offered to get others coffee when I was going for some myself.
It makes me appear weak, I was told. Subservient. I was to wait for coffee to be brought to me. Here’s the thing: I wanted coffee. I knew others wanted coffee. Coffee happened.
Could I have gotten all NLP and exerted enough cues to have someone bring me coffee? Probably. I know how that works.
But why would I have done that?
Just because you know influential tactics doesn’t mean you need to use them at every turn in the road. Or for every cup of coffee.
Subliminal Tactics
I know the power seat in a meeting room. It doesn’t mean I take that seat it in every meeting I call.
(Power seat in a conference room: It's the seat at the head of the table that faces the door. People enter the door and come face to face with you.
Power Seat for one on one: sit directly across from the person- they can't look away.)
I know how to adjust the dynamics of a meeting by arriving early and taking the seat that faces the entrance. Doesn’t mean I always do that, either.
I understand the use of body language, and the subtleties of placing items on the table in front of me in an aggressive manner.
I’ve studied the power moves to hone nonverbal communication cues advocated by Tony Robbins.
But just because I know all of these things doesn’t mean that I can’t show empathy, kindness, and servant leadership by getting other people coffee.
Kindness and Empathy Have Their Own Power
There is joy in a moment spent doing something for others. There is also as essential hit of dopamine. A chance to catch a breath and clear the mind. And, in my case, a much-needed jolt of caffeine.
I’m grateful that someone cared enough to give me counsel. And, 20-some years later it obviously hit home because I think of it from time to time.
But I’ve chosen not to follow it. I am the person that will bring you a coffee. I am a person that knows my own worth, too. Validation is pleasant, but I won’t chase it. Because, in the end, validation is really only needed to save on parking tickets.
I do prefer to practice Servant Leadership, which has, at its base, the desire to see to the wellbeing of the group and individuals, those being served, rather than exclusively on the server.
It's a philosophy of empowering and developing others to their fullest, which in turn improves both performance and relationships within the team. Does this mean that I am weak? Not at all. It takes confidence to be a servant, as well as a secure knowledge of one's own worth and ability.
Anyone can be indifferent, anyone can turn a blind eye to the needs of others and instead gauge their own worth by the deference with which others treat them. It takes surety and compassion to lead through serving.
Oh, and by-the-way: it turns out that providing someone a warm drink to hold while you are talking to them is one of the 12 steps in the article below on how to persuade people and a way to “subconsciously make them feel like you’re an emotionally warm, likable and welcoming person.”
Hopefully, that impression is substantial and I live up to that impression in my dealing with people.
Now; would you like cream and sugar with that?
~~~~
Here's a suggestion for anyone to do at least once a year. NOW is a good idea!
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(This content was originally posted by the author on Medium.)
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Judey Kalchik
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Layoff Season is SIX MONTHS Away!
Did you know that more people quit their jobs during the month of August than any other time of the year? On average 3.5 MILLION people quit their jobs every August. FORGET ‘quiet quitting’- these folks just leave. Perhaps for a new position, maybe to be a solopreneur, but that is a LOT of job movement.
By Judey Kalchik about a year ago in Journal
Comments (35)
Empaths and power people are different breads whom not only think differently they are also motivated differently. The problem for empaths is they don't often see power people in their truest light until sufficiently burned, then a steep learning and a great shock at the guile of how they have been played and set-up.
Real eye opener.
Leadership goes beyond having followers, it also includes being a servant leader and you've done justice on this. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this story, it was an eye opener to me. You always have a way of making people feel welcome. You are a true leader in my book .💓👏
It takes a strong person to offer to serve others, not because one is inferior or needs to win approval, but because a strong person has more than enough to share. Perhaps society will change as people come to recognize that a person who always claims the best spot, always wants to control any situation and never offers to help or take the less showy position is, in fact, a less noble and honorable person.
I love this, power isn’t always the goal, often humanity and kindness! A great story with great articles!
Congratulations on Top Story, btw. Well-deserved!
I could have sworn I hit that heart and commented on this piece earlier. Oh, well, no time like the present, eh? I couldn't agree more with the concept of Servant Leadership, although I think it's unfortunate we seem to need new labels for everything these days. I'm pretty comfortable with the old ones, like "great boss" and "d*ckhead." My daughter employs Servant Leadership in her supervision of multiple medical clinics, and she's built incredibly strong, supportive teams. As for me, 9 years in the corporate environment was more than enough for me to turn to permanent, full time self-employment. I'm ok with grabbing my own coffee, and happy to make one for Pam, too.
That was interesting, heard this before but not in the way you approached it. It should be a hand guide for those wanting to advance, without being brutal about it. Congratulations
I’m so glad this got TS. What a great piece for lots of people to read. Thanks for making our world a better place with this article, Judey! Congrats on a worthy Top Story 💙
I appreciated your insights on this and found the advice given about corporate roles and servant leadership (which I wholeheartedly support) interesting. It's a world I'm thankful not to be currently involved in as I suck at it. I do what I want, but I am damn good at whatever job I'm given. I always laugh that on every performance review I've probably ever been given, I always get low marks for following chain of command or workplace hierarchy rules (written or unwritten). Great read, congratulations on Top Story :)
I think a simple gesture like a cup of coffee is a beautiful sentiment and never indicative of a weak personality; quite the opposite, actually! In my opinion, a leader who leads does so by being a positive example, and acts of thoughtfulness reflect a genuine soul people can relate to and respect. Nice story, Judey❣️❣️❣️
Nice
Sometimes you just need coffee, and if you going anyway, why not offer. I work alone so it probably doesn't apply to me, but still occasionally I shout someone a cuppa, just because I can.
Interesting outlook. I hadn't realized this was a power dynamic in the USA. I'm based in Indonesian, a culture that takes its roles and heirarchy VERY seriously, and apparently I can insult people below me in the ranking order if I try to take their jobs away, like making coffee or tea. I once confused a poor construction worker as I made him coffee when the kitchen helpers normally do it. I was a Boss and was told gently but firmly that I was upsetting the whole order of things by making the guy a drink. Luckily after 15 years, they're used to my upstart American ways but I'm still guided to follow correct social behavior. I'm the one who is supposed to have drinks made for me. Still makes me uncomfortable after all this time, and luckily my friends maids all know to let Ibu Liz make her own tea in the kitchen when she visits, lol.
At one of my jobs where I was "the boss" I was going over the days goals and priorities and as was my custom I asked my team to do certain things and told them what I would take care of. I used the word please. One of my guys told me I didn't have to ask I could give orders because I was the boss. I told him being the boss didn't eliminate my desire to have good manners and treat people with respect. That always worked for me. Glad to see I'm not the only one. Thanks for sharing .
This is wonderful advice! This, a million times. ❤️ Congratulations on an awesome Top Story!! ❤️
This is great advice… and great advice on how to respond to advice too! :)
Loving the photos you chose!
Congrats on the TS
Great advice! Congratulations Judey 🥇
Awesome article, Judey! I am a teacher, so I am a bit removed from the corporate world. However -- I like this idea of servant leadership a lot! I think it's pretty similar to what I've experience working with (most of) my principals. As Leslie said below, a little humanity goes a long way -- and I've never been one to play games, so I would survive only in an environment like this. Congrats on a well-deserved Top Story! 🤗❤️
Great article! I'll take a coffee with cream and sugar. Lol. I believe in servant leadership as well. Learned that in my church days
This is great! I’ve always appreciated and respected bosses who treated me like a human being, rather than a pawn to manipulate with these mind games and power plays. A little humanity goes a long way in business and in life! 💖 Thank you for sharing this!
Congratulations on your Top Story