An honest cover letter
If people were honest when writing a cover letter to a potential employer
To whom it may concern,
I'm overjoyed to be submitting my 117th (maybe more) cover letter in the past eighteen months, nineteen days, and four hours to you! A company I have done three minutes of research, maybe read through the entire job description, and am not even sure if it's what I'm looking for. The smile I have on my face right now shows more excitement than I had on my wedding day two years ago, which before you ask because I know you will so I will tell you now. Yes, in five years I would like to have three children, all of which I will have while working for you, meaning you will need to pay maternity leave for all of them. So, I'll save you the trouble, and agree that it makes perfect sense to pay me less than the man you are looking at hiring for the same position. It will allow you to prep for me to have those children as you will need to hire a contractor to do the work for me while I'm gone. Near the end of my maternity leave, I permit you to send me subtle hits that my job will be gone when the leave is over so that I end up coming back early and saving you the trouble of having to pay two people for the work of one.
Glad we got that out of the way!
Not only am I just ecstatic to submit a cover letter to you and a resume that I spent seven hours and $300 on, but it brings me just the utmost pleasure to then fill out the individual boxes where you ask me for every piece of information that is on my resume, which as a reminder I submitted to you on the previous page. After completing this portion of the application I move onto my favorite part, the questions about my sexual orientation because answering questions about who I prefer to have sex with I agree is important to the hiring process. I mean, of course, you have to make sure you have enough people in each group to play matchmaker? I'm guessing, really because I don't see how knowing my personal--and I feel private--matters should make a difference when considering me for a position that has nothing to do with sleeping with people.
Oh, on top of that, I absolutely LOVE to identify myself as 'white' with the ability to let you know I'm not Latino but no other space for me to put in my actual ethnicity. You're right though, how could I be any other white ethnicity in America, like I don't know Russin or French or German or Canadian? Thank you for the disclaimer that says my answers "do not play a part in the hiring process but is information used to make sure your diversity protocols in hiring are working." Well, I'm not sure about you, but I don't really see why you need to know my race as an applicant rather than asking that question once I'm hired to check that your processes to ensure diversity are working. I personally believe it would make more sense to hire without knowing my race, then double back and see what the workforce looks like. It kind of feels like knowing the answers to the test beforehand, but I'm just an unemployed person looking for a job, what do I know.
I know that you are looking for someone with seven years of experience for this entry-level position, which makes complete sense. I mean who wouldn't want to fill an entry-level position (as defined in William Webster Dictionary as "at the lowest level: at the level of someone who is just starting a job or career" Merriam-webster.com) with someone who has seven years of experience. That's completely reasonable. My experience is not quite that much but I hope you will accept my six years of customer service, five years of management, two years of project development work, and my expertise in underwater basket weaving for consideration.
It is truly a pleasure to have spent all this time putting everything together for you knowing that the chances I will hear back are very slim. Thank you for taking the time to post the job, allowing me to waste a few minutes to apply and write you this letter that puts my resume into a letter without putting my resume into a letter.
I look forward to never hearing back from you.