50th Piece-iversary

In January, I curled up in my rocking chair with a cup of coffee and a fresh new journal. My intention...to set intentions.

I don't set goals until spring. January I’m still in hibernation mode during the snowy Colorado month. I do, however, always pick a few words for my year. An overarching theme to set the tone for the upcoming seasons.

Contemplating the past 12 months, I wanted to pick words that brought a more positive spin, hoping to “control” the outcome of this new year by speaking/writing it into existence.

Sipping my coffee, I rocked back and forth like a metronome, contemplating the rhythm I wanted to set for 2023. Suddenly words began to present themselves on the stage of my mind: health, happiness, stillness… an onslaught of positive concepts danced into view. They were confident, twirling their beautiful syllables in an effort to impress me and be the chosen words. I soaked them in one by one and penned them in my blank journal.

As each word strutted the long platform of my thoughts, one crazy word continued to show up. It kept cutting the line, appearing over and over in a bombastic, splashy outfit, vying for my attention.

“I already saw you,” I said inside my head, my eyebrows furling, judgmental tone implied in the response in my mind, “How could I not, with that behavior!?! I wrote you down already, now stop distracting me!”

The word went backstage, but not without making a chaotic scene in my thoughts' beautiful, organized flow.

I continued observing and writing until the words slowed, more time between presentations, blinking into view until the curtain closed. Satisfied, I looked back over my tabulation of abundant positivity to choose from. Now to pick three. That was my usual routine, so I was sticking to it. Like a judge, I ran my finger over the list.

.

.

Gratitude.

I tried to look away, but (once again, like last year) I felt drawn to it. I peered at it very skeptically.

“Ok, Gratitude, listen here- I picked you last year and, well, I learned from you, but not in the ways I would have liked. Maybe you could have thrown me a frickin bone, eh? I would have been so grateful if you had sent rainbows, puppies, and maybe some good luck here and there! Those are easy paths to gratitude. If more things could have gone in our favor, I could have embraced you with open arms! You were a tough teacher- brutal, in fact! Sheesh. Now you want me to choose you again?!?! I don't know...”

You wouldn't think of Gratitude as a super hard word to embrace, but, last year was...well, there was a whole lotta year in last year. It felt like we yielded more downs than ups. It is comical, the number of things that can go wrong when everything else is already going wrong. I learned gratitude through gritted teeth, but it was there, always sliding in sideways in a big billow of dust, inside every tough life trial. Right there in the middle of each life beating, it came rushing in grinning boldly, shining bright with the gifts of life. I have to admit, it was tough to see it in the murky trenches of stress, and sometimes I didn't want to look at it. But, it consistently showed up, gently whispering, “Life is hard, yes, but please, look at all of the abundant blessings you have. It may be bad, but it could be worse.” Each time I scoffed and turned my back, but gratitude touched my shoulder, gently urging me to embrace it.

“Ok, Gratitude,” I said, with a slight bit of hesitation, “If I choose you I don’t want any tricks this time, just give me the good stuff.”

Pen to paper, I squinted, feeling like I might regret this one as I slowly circled Gratitude. “Be gentle this time,” I whispered.

Back to my list. I scanned the page, and there it was- that intrusive word! It popped out at me, emboldened, forceful!

“Wait your turn,” I demanded, agitated by its obtuse intrusion, “I’m still making my way down the list.”

I regained composure and moved on.

Next word: Peace

Ok, now here’s a word I can get behind! I didn't even hesitate and I circled peace, almost neurotically.

“Don't let me down, Peace. I’m counting on you. I should have picked you last year! I could have used you… In fact, where the heck were you? Couldn't you have just come in at halftime, done an internship? I would have paid you in heaps of…gratitude.”

I lost myself in thought as a slideshow of the past year played out in my mind. Suddenly I was jolted out of my daydream by an obnoxious voice, “Ummmm, hello, why haven’t you circled me yet!?!?!?!”

It’s that crazy, wild, untethered word again! Seriously!?!

I began to get angry. “Ok, listen here… if you want to know the truth, I don't know how to choose you. I don’t have time for you. Plus, what reward are you going to give me? You will consume all of my spare moments, the only moments I have for self-care, and for what? For my own satisfaction? I don't have that luxury! I have other obligations, two kids, one of them a toddler, a dog, and a husband- our life is stressful right now! Things are constantly competing for my attention, not to mention that never-ending pile of laundry. Do you see it? It’s that one over there sprawled out on the couch, staring at me like I’m a slacker. How can I make space for YOU?”

It didn't leave, it stood there staring at me blankly; but I looked past it, pretending I didn’t see it anymore, hoping it would absorb what I said and leave already.

I had to get this done quickly before it showed up again…

I ran my finger down the page.

Presence

Calm

Balance

Flexibility

Health

.

.

.

.

Authenticity

“YES!” I exclaimed, as Authenticity stepped forward in my mind and smiled. This is the kind of word that needs its moment in the sun. Authenticity is something I’m constantly working toward. It’s not always easy. There are many fears surrounding it. I try my hardest to embrace it, but doubt and fear of judgment find the cracks in my psyche. I need to work on this one. Authenticity it is.

“Alright, done!” I said out loud, content with my choices.

Turning to a fresh blank page, I exhaled with satisfaction. Now to finalize. To ink them in beautiful penmanship- solidify my words that will overarch 2023. I began to write…

G r a t i t u d e…I sighed uneasily as I wrote that one, hoping I didn't get myself into more trouble.

P e a c e. This one made me smile. I spoke it out loud, claiming this one as I wrote it into existence.

A u t h e n t i c i t y. I gave myself a pep talk as I swirled each letter into its permanent spot.

I was done. I rocked back and forth contemplating my beautiful list.

I clicked my pen and began to shut my journal…

Then wouldn't you know, that crazy, unruly, irresponsible word put its hand out of the papers and stopped me just before I closed the pages! It kicked the journal back open and leaped out at me. This time it was aggressive, desperate. It grabbed me by my shirt and started shaking me. It was relentless, like a crazy-haired, unhinged lunatic.

It shouted at me and gave me a one-handed slap slap.

I tried to fight back, tried to shove it back in the book. I tried crossing it out. I scribbled hard, but it wouldn't go away, it wouldn't give up. We fought for a few minutes like this, until we both grew weary.

Tired of fighting, I tried reasoning with it, “If I pick you, I have to PICK you. If I pick you and don’t do anything with you, I’ll feel guilty. I don't know how to make time for you this year. Maybe next year, or in ten years, when the boys are older! I promise, there will be time for you then. Lots of time, limitless time! There are bills to be paid! I have responsibilities that require my attention! I can hardly make time for the things that are important to me… How can I choose you? It’s the wrong decision. Please, put yourself away for now! Just be patient, your day will come.”

Just when I thought I may have beaten it, between breathless panting it stood back up, held me by my ear, and shouted, “Listen for just a moment! Please!”

Feeling defeated and exhausted from the fight, I agreed, “If I listen, will you leave me alone?”

“I promise,” it said.

I instinctively felt that its fingers were crossed behind its back, but I agreed anyway.

“You have one minute. Make your case. ”

It began, “All of the words you listed, every one of the words you picked… you will find them ALL if you choose me. I am THE MOST IMPORTANT word you can pick for yourself this year. Despite what you think, you need me. I need you. It’s mutual. But I promise, you will not be disappointed if you ink me onto that page. I won't let you down. I will help you achieve everything you are seeking, you just have to trust me.”

I sighed. I hesitated. How could this possibly be the case? I didn't see a way to choose this word. Then suddenly and with no explanation, there was a shift in my mind and a strange feeling came over me. Somehow I knew it was right. In the depths of my being, I knew it was always right.

Despite my previous reservations, I decided, almost impulsively, to concede defeat. Then acting as crazy as the word itself, I ripped out the page with all of my beautiful intentions on it. On a new, fresh sheet, in large beautiful cursive letters, I penned one word into the fibers of the page…

C R E A T E

I sat back and stared at it. I felt sick with excitement. I knew it was right…

I closed my journal as small waves of elation mixed with waves of anxiety washed over me. Then I folded that judgy pile of laundry.

Days went by and the word was in the back of my mind, gently urging as life kept rolling by. Responsibilities kept piling up.

One week later, still ignoring my new word, I decided to scroll Instagram (like I have time for that *insert eye roll*). Something grabbed my attention. It was a picture of the full moon. As a side note, I have a massive love affair with the moon. It’s special to me for many reasons, but those are stories for another time. I read the sponsored ad: VOCAL. Challenge. Write a poem about dreams under the full moon. $1000.

I laughed out loud. The universe has a funny way of grabbing us by the haunches. I call that a God wink. You got me, CREATE! The full moon…even a reward. I giggled. Ok, I’m listening.

I NEVER click on ads, but this time I did. I didn't even hesitate.

“What am I doing?” I said out loud as I entered my information. “What could actually come of this? Am I really going to allow others to read my writing? Am I going to lay it all out there, for the internet, my friends, and my family, to read. That’s not what I had in mind when I picked this word. I thought I would paint, sketch, write a couple of poems, and maybe another children’s book. The things that bring me bursts of life... but this!?! If I do this, I have to do this. If I'm going to pay to be here I'll have to make something of it. ”

The truth of it is, I’ve loved to write since I was little. I scribbled my tiny thoughts on every cutesy journal I could get my hands on. Poetry was my saving grace. It helped me express my intense emotions and process trauma as a child and beyond. At this point in my life, I make time for writing in my journal here and there– or I'd find myself typing strings of words that flew to me at the most random times; a poem would blow through my ears in the middle of the bread aisle at the grocery store, words would flutter to me as I hiked through the trees, or in the wee hours of the morning they would shake me awake and I would grab my phone and type slower than the words poured in. I'd write them down, file them away, then I would move on. I have ONLY ever written for myself. I’ve never shared the intimate parts of my soul with the world.

As I continued the account setup, Doubt stood over my shoulder and spoke to me in a grumbly voice, “You’ll be judged. Ridiculed. Your punctuation and grammar need work! Are you really going to let people see you, the real you? What do you know about the rules of writing and poetry?”

Doubt gave me pause, but I shook him off and I kept clicking in the payment information. Possessed by my word, Create, I pushed one key at a time.

In an instant, I looked at the first challenge, wrote my poem, and turned it in the same day. I didn't have much time to mull this one over, but the words poured out anyway. I was doing it. I was running toward the cliff, ripping off everything, holding my breath, and jumping into the cold waters, letting them take me where they would. One minute before the deadline I hit Submit to Challenge and Submit for Review.

I exhaled as my heart raced. I felt exposed, but deep in my heart I knew I made the right decision.

Admittedly this process has been a series of ups and downs. To me, this is a much more vulnerable space than most social media outlets. This isn’t just my favorite, filtered photo- the highlight reel of my life. This is me, bared, opening up my brain and showing the contents to the world. The vulnerability is immense and the risk is massive. But what do I feel as I continue to CREATE?

Liberated!

And also…

Gratitude

Peace

Authenticity

and every other word that I listed in my journal on that cold day in January.

I conclude my 50th Piece-A-Versary with a note of Gratitude:

I can say with 100% confidence that I would not have written 50 pieces of myself on paper if I hadn’t made a quick, uncalculated decision to join Vocal+ and enter the first contest. It’s given me a reason to tap into parts of my brain that were stagnant. My thoughts now flow out of me faster than I can write them.

Thank you, Vocal, for creating an ad that literally swept me off my feet and made my word of the year a reality– and for giving me a reason to start writing again. Thank you for making a space for creators like me to share our art. Thank you for a platform where we can bring anything we can think of to the table. Thank you for creating thoughtful challenges, and for reading all of our words, and handpicking daily stories. Thank you for continuing to update the website and add cool new features that benefit the writers. Thank you so much for offering us cash prizes and payment for reads! What a difference that monetary amount makes in the life of… well, anyone these days. Thank you, judges, for meticulously choosing winners and for the kind words you so thoughtfully write about each piece that places. Thank you to the support staff that always attends to our needs so promptly and with such professionalism. This experience has been nothing but awesomeness all around. You are the reason I have a spark in neural pathways that have been out of service for years. The challenges push me outside my comfort zone and give me new things to think about.

So much gratitude for you!

Thank you to every single person who has spent their moments reading my words, leaving their love, encouragement, and feedback! If you've gotten this far into this piece, I thank you even more! You took the time, and that is the most valuable gift you can give. In you, I have a community of new friends without ever having met you in person. I'm so grateful for each and every one of you! Thank you for sharing suggestions and constructive feedback. You are all amazing and I appreciate you more than you know!

So much gratitude for you!

Thank you to all of the writers putting their hearts out there, using their gifts, and creating amazing work! I am constantly blown away by the pool of talent around me! You challenge me to be better, honest, and vulnerable! I’m honored to share a piece of this platform with some of the most talented authors I’ve ever read. Thank you to those that take the time to create resources that help us all improve our writing- sharing your habits, tips, and tricks. Thank you for being 100% you. I’m learning so much from each of you, helping to strengthening a muscle that was starting to atrophy. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for this opportunity to connect with other writers and to learn from each of you!

So much gratitude for you!

My final note of gratitude may sound strange, but it is to myself. Thank you…me, for listening to that crazy little voice in your head that wouldn't shut up. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable and put it all out there. Thank you for taking a chance on yourself. Thank you for choosing to create, realizing the massive amount of personal satisfaction, growth, release, healing, peace, gratitude, authenticity, and presence you would experience if you honored something that has always been stitched into your soul. It’s the best form of self-care you could have ever chosen. Thank you for hitting submit for review, even when doubt kicks in. Thank you for taking the leap, for floating downstream and not fighting the current. Thank you, brain, for that wild, unruly, soul-bearing word. I’m so happy to embrace Create! I feel freedom with this word, pouring myself onto paper, staining pages with my tears, my fears, my passions, and my joys. Thank you, body, for now waking up at 4:30 am every day, excited to write. This is too much fun!

So much gratitude!