Seven LGBTQ Clichés Over Christmas

[DRAFT]

At the Mud Creek Saloon in Eagle River, I see American flags on the walls, pitchers of beer on the bar, and drawn-out guitar solos ring in my ears. From what I've seen on TV, this is the type of place where they kick the shit out of gay characters. Or shoot them dead in the parking lot.

Not my idea of a good time. So to blend in, I pretend to enjoy the song that's playing-Sweet Home Alabama. We’re in Northern Wisconsin but it's a crowd favorite.

“Don’t let anyone in Wisconsin know you stan Taylor Swift,” my coworker Justin said in New York when I left. “People like us, we are not safe in the red states.”

My New York friends think my orientation is too much info for small town Wisconsin, so I haven’t told anyone back home. They can’t handle the truth. So I’ll do my best straight man while I’m back to visit my parents for Christmas.

As it’s been so long, my friends from high school organized tonight’s party.

“So Jake, what's it like to be back in Eagle River? Want to join deer hunting Sunday?” Bob asks. Hunting patches are on his cap.

I abhor the killing of animals, but reply, “Love to. Bagged a 7 point buck last time I was out,” I say, bringing up a detail from my last hunting trip, 17 years ago, “But, I promised to watch the Packers game with my dad.”

“No problem, lately it feels like half the town doesn’t go hunting anymore,“ he says frowning, then segues into football. “The Pack. Aaron Rodgers is throwing well this season.”

“Rodgers is awesome,” I say. Knowing nothing about football I plan to just agree with whatever he says, but I’m rescued by the others in the bar who overhear us start chipping in.

“The Vikings lead the Division but their run game has been weak.”

“That’s definitely their weakness,” I agree.

“Jones is unbelievable, he’s going to put them under pressure.”

“Jones is the one to keep an eye on on Sunday,” I say.

“Being on a losing streak, the pack have to play their way back into the game.”

“100%”, I say, while I back off slightly and pretend to check my mobile.

While they talk football, in the background I hear the next song begin, it’s Lil Nas X, Old Town Road. I look at the DJ, who I appraised as a Northern Wisconsin mullet head before, and reassess his musical taste.

After there’s a general consensus that the Pack should play well Sunday, Bob’s attention comes back to me.

“So, hope you enjoy that game Sunday with your dad,” he says.

“How’s work these days?” I ask, attempting to shift the topic to something easier to talk about.

Bob tells me he works in logistics for a corrugated box manufacturer. Paper products are a big industry in our hometown

“So, what do you do in New York? I had a look at your LinkedIn. “

“Nothing that special.” I find talking about New York doesn’t usually win me friends back home.

“E Street Productions,” he says the name of my employer. “So you work on Broadway?”

“Broadway? I’ve never even been to a show.”

“You an artist, or a writer?”

“Nah.”

“Flight attendant?”

The job list is getting awkward. Then I realize I’m being queer-stioned. Bob looks like he’s about to ask me if I’m a cowboy if I didn’t live in New York. I got to put a stop to this.

“Event planning! I’m in event planning. I’m an event planner.”

“Whoa. Take it easy buddy.”

“Where did you get the idea, I’d have those kinds of jobs?”

“Well you know…”

“Know what?”

“Ben.” He points across the bar to a man with a short cropped beard and a rainbow t-shirt. “He told us last time you were here.” I thought he was a Wisconsin hipster when I spotted him over there before.

I feel my face turning red.

“You didn’t pick him up on your gaydar?” Bob asks.

“Oh yeah.” I mumble. I usually try to be agreeable, but this is all going against my original plan now.

Bob looks relaxed. He’s not trying to corner me or anything. Being tall and good looking, he dated a lot of women in high school, maybe he’s more confident because of that.

I haven’t gotten around to asking him his current relationship status.

“So you invited me out for beers, even knowing I was gay?”

“Modern family has been on the air for almost 20 years, it’s not a big deal.”

“True.” I think of Modern Family’s Cameron and Mitchell. Everyone’s stereotype of gay men.

Bob slaps me on the back, and gives me a bro hug with one arm. “And yeah. We want you here, Adam.”

A blonde woman across the bar looks at him with interest. It makes me wonder.

“Am I just here to provide a sympathetic plot twist for the straight protagonist?”

The blonde woman is still smiling at Bob and he nods at her.

“What did you say?” Bob says, distracted.

“You come shield me from ‘danger’, and then the most attractive woman in the bar looks at you in a new way.”

Bob thinks for a second, and realizes I’m talking about the woman in the bar. “Haha no. That’s Jen, she’s married. She’s been trying to sign me up for an insurance policy. Small town. She probably thinks you're a new prospect too.”

“Well now that you’ve come out to Eagle River, how about you join Mike’s RuPaul party on Monday.”

“I’ve never watched RuPaul before, but why not?”, I say agreeably, “Count me in.”

“Did you bring your other clothes?”

“Other clothes?”

“Women’s clothes.”

“You have a lot to learn.”

Bob looks confused. “Mike always dresses up,” he says, “Anyways now that you know Ben over there is…” the g word can't seem to come out of his mouth. “Are you two going to?” He makes tantalizing gestures.

“Uh it doesn't work that way”

“Ah well if you’re in the market. Every Tuesday is LGBT night here.”

“Really?” That is new information. Eagle River has changed a lot since I’ve been away. I’m starting to feel newly optimistic about being back home.

“Maybe I can lower my principles for a weekend and join your hunting trip,” I say, “and I don’t mind going out into nature and getting dirty.” They raise their eyebrows at the last part.

“Love to have you join, Adam”

They seem a bit overly enthusiastic.

“Am I just the token diversity character in your hunting party, so you can tell your coworkers how ‘open minded’ you are?”

“Sorry to disappoint you,” he says, “The diversity spot is already taken.” He points to an African-American man telling jokes down on the other side of the bar.

“Mike, from high school,” I label the diversity hunter.

“And this is not a contest,” Bob says.

Later on when everyone has had a few drinks and hits the dance floor, Phil, who I recall from high school, but never talked to back then, comes over. We get to talking and he keeps bumping into me. He reaches over and kisses me on the mouth, in the Mud Creek Saloon in Eagle River Wisconsin.

I look around.

Oddly, unlike what I’ve seen in every sitcom, there’s no applause. No one even notices us except for Jen the insurance saleswoman.

It’s vaguely unsettling. But I think I can get used to it.

“Thank you, Modern Family,” I say out loud, then in my head my internal voice thinks about what Bob said, and thanks the writers of Modern Family for giving us 250 episodes of Cameron and Mitchell, and then I close my eyes and thank God for giving us the writers of 2023 who are trying to create more nuanced diversity characters.

I open my eyes, and announce to the bar, “Eagle River, I’m back!”

**

After he finishes scanning the screenplay, I ask the producer what he thinks about my pilot episode of, A Bend in Eagle River. He tells me the story had seven potential plot lines that I failed to explore and that it probably needs a villain added. It will need a full rewrite by next week.