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Set Your Money Free. Give it to Us

The new face of finance: JazzBank Yeah plc

By Ian VincePublished 3 months ago 3 min read
2

be free

find freedom

find freedom for your money

Come to the bank that’s tuned into your needs as surely as we’re tuned into the one-world zeitgeist of aspirational widescreen zenverts.

Come to us. You’ll be impressed by our say-nothing, twisted, 30- second television ad-fables that ooze with vanilla simplicity, while betraying the depth of insight and reasoning faculties of a drugged badger.

And all of this with the convenience of a local† branch managed by friendly, happy teenagers on work experience*.

We know how hard it is to keep track of your finances, so we came up with a Business Starter Kit that could be just the thing.

And some burly men to remind you to keep sending us the money.

Your Business Starter Kit includes this attractive 9-hole ring binder, which you can upgrade to 11 holes after approval of your second mortgage and our repossession of your home.

Other pack contents include all sorts of tools to help new businesses: a ninja star remover, a spanner, three starling eggs, a replica Smith and Wesson revolver and a live human hand.¶ The hand is not illustrated, in accordance with section 11 of the Depiction of Quivering Limbs Act, 2004.

Jazzbank Yeah Corporation (“The Bank”) licensed to trade on a far-off Indian Ocean island by a military junta, which quietly seized power last Wednesday. Following a fiscal crisis on the island, the interim government liquidated the assets of the bank and changed the official currency to cheese. The value of your investments may go off as well as down.

If you happen to live close to Bangalore.

* Based on survey of surly, pouting adolescents before the merciful disintegration of Westlife.

Goods remain the property of The Bank until we have repossessed them.

Designed by Deboit-Donglay-Interbang

Britain’s banks offer a variety of services to their customers, whether they want them or not.

Gone are the days when dreary, wood-panelled High Street branches simply offered safer ways to store money than wrapping it up in greaseproof paper and hiding it in Bakelite wirelesses. All that was swept away in the 1990s, when a new wave of service values and strategic staff lay-offs brought the banks blinking into the dawn of the 19th century.

These days, there are two types of bank accounts. On the one hand, private banks – small, exclusive institutions with the fragrant staff and exotic decor that suit kinky aristocrats, well- heeled metrosexual MPs and other fiscal fetishists. These banks offer a better quality of money with steam-cleaned and sterilized notes and edible, legal-tender chocolate coins freely available in barrels by the door.

High Street banks are so-called because that is where all the branches were closed.

Business banking

If you are a business customer, your manager will come to your premises in person to bring you your shrink-wrapped business starter kit. Often tastefully presented in a non-standard, leatherette, 11-hole ring binder, for which you will have to buy a ream of triangular paper and a specialist hole punch, it will open up a world of exotic business stationery you never knew existed.

Personal banking

These days, skilled call-centre staff are ready to talk to you about your finances when you are at your most relaxed, just before your first forkful of dinner. They can also arrange extra services for you, such as the repossession of your home, the removal of doors and the insertion of court orders and bailiffs.

Banks can even offer letterbox testing services, supplying a constant stream of meatspace spam and leaflets about pet insurance for daily comfort, and reassurance for householders about the mechanical durability and status of their domestic apertures.

Apply for a credit card or get a loan decision within the hour and, while you’re waiting, why not talk to them about something else; call-centre staff are trained in conversation, it comes as naturally to them as casual banter about debt consolidation. And all of this with the assured and confident friendliness bestowed upon them by a lilting regional accent and a comprehensive, gruelling 30-minute training video shown during their induction at an Essex Travelodge.

What modern British banks excel at, however, is their local connections. They can tailor their advice according to where you live. Your bank manager almost certainly lives in this country and knows the unique local conditions that apply throughout Great Britain, Northern Ireland and the overseas dependencies. So, when you phone up your bank, you’re straight through to your local branch in Perth, no matter where you live. And one thing you can be sure of with British banks, wherever they may be, they always, always know exactly where you live.

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About the Creator

Ian Vince

Erstwhile non-fiction author, ghost & freelance writer for others, finally submitting work that floats my own boat, does my own thing. I'll deal with it if you can.

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  • Brendan Donaghy3 months ago

    'The value of your investments may go off as well as down.' 😁😁 Very funny article! Although you've got me thinking about fiscal fetishists which is something I could've lived without. 😊

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