Pitch Plu-Perfect

[Dave, this is your exhausted secretary. I transcribed the most comprehensible parts from the texts and voice messages into this transcript. He must have been using voice dictation. Some were just too garbled to pull out anything salvageable – or sane. You owe me! Good luck. -YS]

Hey, Dave, it's me again. I've got some ideas! So, hear me out:

Picture a bucolic scene, wide hilly meadows and waving grain. Music to match is playing – think Bambi, but without the nasty copyright issue that would explode.

Jerry says use it anyway and damn the torpedoes and The Mouse. I told him to bite me. Jerry said "Me first," but Jerry's like that.

Do the record needle scratch, then focus in on this dilapidated, weather beaten shack on the prairie -

Jerry says it's been done, I should watch The Producers. Jerry now has a bite mark on an ass cheek.

Fine. Keep the record scratch after playing Decidedly NOT Bambi-Ripoff Music, and focus in on some house, hovel, domestic domicile, a building with doors that open as the camera pans through. Can we get past the opening credits here without going off on a side tangent?!?!

Okay. Okay. Picture a sofa, and a family singing the intro song-

Jerry, who are the Simpsons? Well, I've never heard of them, they can't be that important, can they? Partridge Family?? Well, sixties retro can be the next "in" thing, can't it?

FINE, can we focus in on the singing dog? The goldfish??

Jerry, where on earth are you getting these references? Family Guy? American Dad? What, I can't even dress up a guy in a chicken suit and have him fighting the protagonist?? Jerry, I think you're saying these things so you can have a matching set of bite marks on those cute ass cheeks!

That's it, SEX! Of course, sex sells! Maybe an Archbishop to really make it sleazy...

Jerry, what do you mean this is too Monty Python-esque? There's not a rabbit in the whole freaking plot line! How about sex with aliens, then? Oh. Done to death? Right there in the title? FINE. No aliens!

Sex and werewolves? Vampires? Zombies?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'VE ALL BEEN DONE!?!?

What does that leave, plants? Slow snails? Those haven't been done!

Oh. I must have missed that movie. And that one.

Sex over the internet?

Right. Iconic movie, blah blah. Well I didn't see it.

Pirates?

Well, okay, I have to admit, I may have caught a few of those episodes, and yes that Blackbeard is rather hot.

Well, if you look at it that way, everything's been done! We need a new, fresh take on SOMEthing, help me out here, Jerry!

Um, Jerry....

Dave says I can't use your name anymore in our messages.

Something about it being right out of Ze Frank? Who's he? Look, this isn't neurosurgery, and what am I supposed to call you? Geri? Jayree? Iari? Jaribald? Come on, you're Jerry! And you even got another bite mark for killing my idea for a dysfunctional family that tries to take down the family business, something something Succession something, well if what you say is true, then they wrapped, now didn't they? We could do Succession 2 with singing dalmatians! Oooh, you would bring up The Mouse again, now, wouldn't you??

If you even bring up that script that I did that was a cartoon dog's version of Rent, I will HURT you, Jerry!

Ooooh, you'd like that, would, you? Come here, you-

[Lots of sounds, most of which I should NOT have to hear on the clock, and I'd better get overtime for having to listen to them TWICE you horrid old man, that's what I get for being a salaried glorified secretary. I saved a copy, and I WILL go to HR and make them listen if you don't shove some battle pay my way, I'm pretty sure my lawyer said I have grounds for a sexual harassment suit! Well, I assume that's what he said, it was hard to tell over his retching noises when I played it for him.]

Ha, count up your love bites now, you loved-up cupcake. Hah, "bites." Wow, that made me hungry. Hey, we can do FOOD! We-

Jerry, "overdone," ha ha? Not funny? A whole channel dedicated to stars and their foodie adventures? A whole channel? Are you serious??

I still think we're onto something with musical numbers. Call it Happy or something.

Jerry, what is this Glee you're talking about? Seriously?

Fine, then interpretive dance! What chorus line? What happy feet?

I will think of something completely original! And it will be spectacular!

***

Jerry! Jerry! They've accepted our pitch! Jerry! No, not that one. Not that one either! Something about The Odd Couple meets The Birdcage meets I Love Lucy, about a couple of cheesy bickering aged-out producer wannabes trying to get their script approved, and the shenanigans that happen! Jerry! Why are you laughing? Jerry? Jerry!